I Am Worthy of No Longer Being Abused

3 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous woman at 24 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 3 or 4. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

My parents met in college, got married, built a house together, worked ambitiously at their careers, and had me. By the time I was 3 years old, my mom was unfaithful to my dad, who was already involved with my would-be step-mom to some extent.

Throughout my childhood, I repressed my emotions and was hyper-vigilant around my stepmom in fear of her verbal and psychological abuse. Even before my dad married my step-mom, she began a denigration campaign toward me about my mom which caused me to doubt my perception of my mom’s goodness and trustworthiness. This lasted for over a decade and I eventually caved into an ultimatum that my step-mom gave me which caused me to stop living with my mom altogether — an unexpected, traumatic, and confusing chapter in my life story. My stepmom’s many tactics of erasing my mom from my life while simultaneously claiming that she supported my relationship with my mom was mentally damaging and effective. Years later, I have a healed relationship with my mom.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL

When I was 3 or 4 years old, my dad sat me down to tell me that he and my mom were no longer going to live together. I simply responded, “Forever?” Being so young when they divorced, I do not remember how I coped with suddenly having to split my time — and my affections — between my parents.

The immense stress of witnessing conflict between my parents, as well as my step-mom’s abusive and incredibly controlling behavior, caused me to feel anxiety much more deeply than the divorce itself.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her

The chronic anxiety that I experienced as the only child from my parents’ divorce led me to experience irregular menstrual cycles, an eating disorder, muscle tension, chronic stomachaches, and perpetual feelings of despair and unworthiness. I coped through staying busy and being high-achieving in academics, ministry, and sports, internalizing others’ emotions and having a strong sense of false guilt. I wanted to prove that I was not as burdensome as court dates, hostile emails, and confusing narratives made me feel.

In college, I hit a breaking point and shared with my dad and step-mom the deep pain that I had been carrying for most of my life. They reacted very defensively, and this led to another unexpected chapter of my life story: my estrangement from my dad, step-mom, and half-siblings, which continues to this day. It has been very difficult for me to trust that my identity lies outside of my dad and step-mom’s love and acceptance; that I am worthy of no longer being abused; and that God loves me even after having set boundaries that have allowed me to heal. I am a wife and mom today, and I believe that I owe my healing not only to myself but also my husband and sons — even if my dad cannot recognize, will not validate, and would not stop the abuse, himself. It is heartbreaking that my dad cannot healthily be a part of my adult life and see my family grow, but I cannot imagine who I would be today if the abuse that he enabled was still a part of my everyday life.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Pray for God to bring a godly couple into your life who can be a helpful example to you in how to live out the vocations of spouse and (biological and/or spiritual) parent well. Breaking bread with a couple and their children in the warmth of their loving home has been profoundly healing for me — their laughter, hospitality, ways of handling conflict, etc. have left imprints on my heart and mind forever. It’s one thing to read or hear about imperfectly healthy families, and it’s another thing to live shoulder-to-shoulder with them. Do not just pray for this, but seek it out.

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Divorce Made Me Feel Forgotten and Alone

1 minute read.

This story was written by Christina Larsen at 28 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 14. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

My mom pulled me out of class when I was 14 to tell me she and my father were getting divorced because he had an affair.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL

Forgotten, alone, terrified, sad, lonely, depressed, angry, rageful, confused, desperate

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her

I started self-harming, had a string of abusive relationships, unsafe sex with random people, drug addiction, suicidal thoughts and attempts, mental illness, stints in rehabs and psych units, failed friendships, constant relocation, never feeling home/wanted/loved, always seeking parental support in other older people, inconsistent work life, zero family support, parentification, parental alienation, horrible at setting boundaries, codependency, time/money/energy in my own therapy.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

It’s not your fault

Your parents may not be the best people to go to for help anymore

Seek support elsewhere

Get help

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I Felt Afraid of Not Being Able to Control My Emotions

5-minute read.

This story was written by Danielle Beatty at 31 years old. Her parents divorced when he was 6 months old. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

her STORY

I was six months old when my mom and dad separated and a year old when they divorced. I don't remember what happened, but through family members and asking questions, I've learned their marriage had problems long before I came into their lives. I went back and forth between the two of them until I was three years old and have a few memories from that time. It came to light that my dad had an affair during the time he and my mom were married. From that affair, he fathered my half-brother who is a couple of months younger than me. Shortly after that, my dad decided to stop visitation and remained out of my life until I was seventeen.

HOW THE brokeness MADE hER FEEL

I felt out of control and scared. I don't think I could've told you that when I was younger let alone while it was happening. Yet, I knew something was wrong. My dad stopping visitation really hurt me. I wondered why he left and if it had been my fault. I remember crying a lot and feeling very sensitive to things around me growing up. As a preschooler, I drew pictures of my family that included my dad, stepmom, half-brother, and stepsister. I thought of them as family. They were until my dad stopped seeing me. My mom remarried when I was five and I remember her telling me that my stepdad was now my dad. I felt confused. Is this how families are made? Can you just decide you don’t like one, leave and start another? I didn’t ask questions because I felt scared. I just thought I guess that's how these things work. People can get new families. I stopped asking questions about my dad, half-brother, stepmom, and stepsister, despite continuing to regularly see my grandparents from my dad’s side. Even though I was part of a new family, I felt confused, separated, and disconnected from my family. As a kid, I remember not acting out because I didn't want to do anything that would make my mom leave too, so I followed the rules but felt very afraid most of my childhood.

HOW THE brokenness IMPACTED her

I wrestled with a deep sense of rejection. I lived with the lie that I was the one to blame. That it was my fault my parents divorced. Consequently, I internalized my pain from my parent's divorce, keeping it all inside and trying to figure it out on my own thinking more information would make it all better. When my mom and stepdad separated and later divorced my senior year of high school, I didn't tell any of my friends that they were separated. I should know how to handle this, I thought. Not sharing what I was going through with anyone left me isolated, lonely, and suffocated by shame. My mom set me up with counseling, but despite going weekly for about a year, I chose not to talk about what was happening at home. Rather, I said what I thought I needed to say just to get out of there. I gave myself no freedom to process it because I felt so scared of being rejected, scared that what I said would get back to my mom and she would leave or not love me and I felt afraid of not being able to control my emotions if I started expressing them. I didn’t want someone else I loved to leave too. If I misbehaved, maybe they would. I thought I had to act a certain way and told myself it was safer to keep everyone at a distance because, in some way shape, or form, this was my fault. I caused this destruction. What a lie! I threw myself into school studies and extracurricular activities. Any kind of stress I could get a hold of to help drown out the chaos inside I took.
When I was in college, I got connected with a church. Through that church, I joined a bible study, where one of the women spoke into my life. She let me know that the things I was believing about being destructive, at fault, and rejected didn't sound like how Jesus sees me and were lies from the enemy. Through a faith community, counseling, and inner healing prayer, I am relearning how to live in my own skin, embracing my identity as a child of Christ, feeling the Father’s love for me, and learning how to accept my story. It is not my fault what happened between my parents. It hurt me and mattered, yes. Yet, it is not the end of my story. There is hope. There is freedom. There is life after this death.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Breathe and feel. Just like waves in the ocean, your feelings will rise and fall. Ride them but don't let them take you under. They are taking you to a new place and if you are a Christian, invite Jesus into that place. He will clarify what He is doing in that space with you, all you have to do is ask.
While not everyone needs to know what's going on in your inner world (like your social media followers), you do need to let a few trusted people into that part of your world. I have two friends who walked with me through that season who are still in my life to this day. They gave me permission to let it all out, which sometimes looked like sitting in a room in silence with me because I felt frozen by not knowing how to start unraveling the chaos I felt inside. Give yourself space to be free to speak about it. For me when I didn't have that outlet, the words, thoughts, and feelings crept out of me into other relationships and those relationships left me feeling vulnerable (not in a good way), awkward, and more lonely. I don't wish that on anyone. So, I recommend giving yourself space to feel and letting a few trusted people outside of your family into that place too.

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It Didn’t Have to Be Like This

3 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous woman at 31 years old. Her parents were never married and broke up before she was born. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

I grew up going back and forth between homes. My dad would always bad-talk my mom any chance he could get. My mom struggled financially for a long time (until she married my stepdad when I was in elementary school), while my dad was decently wealthy and made minimal payments reluctantly. When I was 1, he married my stepmom. It was an abusive household. I can remember begging my mom to not make me go - but of course, she had to take me. I never opened up with her about the abuse. I didn’t know it was. It wasn’t until we took a vacation with my dad’s family (middle school) that I came back with an enormous bruise that my mom contacted her lawyer, and I never had to go again. Years later he got a divorce from my stepmom, and my relationship with her and my half-siblings began again. Unfortunately, this didn’t last, while I was seeking help for the trauma I had endured, they were not. As the years went by, their unhealthy behaviors became more and more difficult to ignore and deal with, and eventually, I chose to step away to protect myself, my husband, and children.

HOW THE brokeness MADE her FEEL

I never knew what it meant to have a family. People would always act like it was such a blessing to have 2 of this, 2 of that. I felt like an outsider. I was also lonely among my peers, there weren’t many kids who related to me. Now I don’t have any relationship with my dad, which is a double-edged sword. While I’m not interested in being in contact with him, it didn’t have to be like this. It was his own actions that led us here.

HOW THE brokenness IMPACTED her

I spent many years as a people pleaser, and very co-dependent. I saw it as a strength that I was always willing to do what other people wanted me to. Who was I? Because of this, I made a lot of really unhealthy friendships, many of which ended really painfully. I always saw myself as the problem, and really, I was. I didn’t know how to say no, how to decline hanging out with someone who wasn’t healthy. I clung to people who wanted to cling to me. Now I am probably over the top hyper-aware of friendships and relationships, but I’m slower to speak and react when things feel unsure.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

It’s not your fault. What I’ve found in my own situation is that the adults in my life who treated me poorly never dealt with their own trauma. Their behavior toward you and toward each other has nothing to do with you. It’s not your responsibility to help them. You deal with your trauma, if they consistently push back on your growth, you have to set boundaries, and if necessary, close the door. Figure out your own hurt so that you can give your kids a better life and put an end to the chaos, destruction, and heartbreak.

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I Lost My Sense of Home

4 minute read.

This story was written by Shannon Combs at 24 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 20. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

I was a junior in college. I got a call one night from my mother. Her voice seemed hesitant and I knew something was wrong. She told me that she and my dad were getting divorced because he had been having an affair. My parents were married for 29.5 years. This came out of nowhere for me and my siblings. I had just visited them a month prior during my Christmas break. The affair and divorce led to one disaster after another. My father, who was a sober alcoholic, began drinking again out of shame and guilt over what the affair did to his family. This was the first time I had truly dealt with his alcoholism. At that time of my life, I lived in horrible anxiety and depression, trying to grapple with the divorce of my parents, the affair, and my father's drinking. Unfortunately, my father found himself in jail for a year due to behaviors while under the influence because he could not stop drinking his pain away. This was the breaking point for me. I felt like my life was falling apart. I was hurt, betrayed, angry, and embarrassed. March of 2020 and the onset of COVID sent me back home from college. I felt like I didn't have a home to return to though after everything happening with my family. 2020 was hard for everyone, but for me, it had nothing to do with COVID. It had to do with the consequences of my parent's divorce.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL

I was hurt, betrayed, angry, and embarrassed. It was as if I was living in a nightmare. For 20 years of my life, we were a relatively normal, suburban, Christian family. The divorce divided my family unit into two. I lost my sense of home, literally and figurately. The only thing I had trust in was Christ. He was and is my Rock, but it was still a season of immense struggle.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her

My parents got divorced when I was in college. So I was semi-independent, but it still left me feeling like a homeless child. It also made me resort to certain tendencies in my own relationship, particularly my marriage. It left me with a lot of trust issues and an unhealthy and outright wrong understanding of marriage. Thank God for the Church, and a priest who counseled my husband and me with gentleness and love so that we could be equipped going into our marriage at a time when I had just been impacted by my own parents' divorce.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Don't confuse your grief with guilt. A divorce is the death of a family, something you will grieve. I felt a lot of guilt over my parents' divorce - sad for both of my parents and felt a sense of responsibility to save their marriage or to be their primary caretaker. While my father chose to have an affair, I couldn't play the role of my mom's therapist or best friend, or pastor. Nor could I be my father's confessor or AA sponsor. I was their daughter and I was a victim as well. I couldn't be a neutral party for my mom and my father, but I could still love and forgive them.

As a child of divorce, whether you are a kid or an adult, you have to create boundaries to protect yourself and your loved ones. You have to be willing to stand up for your own healing—which you can do without trampling on someone else or making the person who started it all feel even worse.

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You Are Not to Blame

2 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous contributor at 26 years old. Her parents separated when she was 7. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

My father may or may not have had an affair with his secretary (cliche I know, but it was never confirmed). He and my mother separated and he immediately moved in with the other woman. My brothers and I had 7 days on, and 7 days off with each parent. My eldest brother was traumatized the most, I suppose since he was 10 when it happened. His rage turned into violence and sexual abuse against me, which went on for a couple of years until I told my father about it. He didn't believe it happened but it freaked out my brother and so the sexual abuse stopped and was replaced with only violence. The most terrifying memory I have was waking up to my brother straddling me with his hands around my throat, screaming that he would kill me. I was 15 at that time.

Going back to the divorce — my mother eventually found a condo. She was extremely manipulative, violent, and verbally abusive. Most of this was a result of her fury that she could never get pregnant (my 2 brothers and I were adopted) but only 3 years after adopting me, she was left without a husband but with 3 kids. She often used her status as an "adoption mom" as a way to "prove her love and kindness and empathy". It drove me mad.

My eldest brother chose to be with our father full-time when he was 14. I ended up doing the same at 15 because her manipulation became too much for me to handle. As an example of her manipulation -- she encouraged me to get a job at a bakery in the mall where she worked (I really didn't want one yet, I had enough going on at that time, but she said I needed one) because she was friends with the owner. I had just turned 15 but the legal working age was 16. He agreed to hire me anyway because she was his friend. She took me to the bank to open a joint account but — here's the kicker — I was not permitted to have access to it. Only she would have the card, and she would use it as she pleased.

Anyways I left shortly after that and opened a new bank account.

Moving on to my father — his new girlfriend moved in with us quite early on. I think it was a year or two after the divorce. In the beginning, I quite liked her but soon it became clear that she did not like children. She had a daughter of her own but she was approaching 30 years old. I constantly overheard her at night telling my father about what bad people my brothers and I were (mind you, my second brother who is 6 weeks older than me is autistic) and that she would be happier if we were gone. This was a nearly daily occurrence.

At her request, I was given all the housework as chores. My brothers and I would do the dishes together but all the other cleaning — bathroom, vacuuming, washing the table and counters, windows, washing the floor, etc. — was my responsibility twice a week. This doesn't sound like much but I also had high school from 8 AM to 3 PM every weekday, worked Thursday and Friday from 4 PM to 9 PM, and weekends from 9 AM to 6 PM, plus I had homework. Somehow I came out of all of this with good grades. But when my stepmother would come home (she came home an hour before my dad), she'd inspect my cleaning and relay all the mistakes back to my father, which infuriated him and ultimately fed her lies about what a horrible person I was.

Meanwhile, I was allowed no social time, I was not allowed to go see friends during the week, nor could I go see them on the weekend since I was working. When I finished school, I had to walk home and immediately call my father. (These were the days when many people still didn't have cellphones, only landlines.) I had to call immediately and he would see which number was calling him so he'd know that I had come straight home and not gone to see anyone else.

My "fondest" memory of his control (perpetuated by his lovely girlfriend) was when he locked the pantry doors and didn't allow us to access the food without permission because I had once come home from school during lunch and cooked myself ramen in the microwave. He was furious because he planned on taking it to work the next day (which I did not know). We could afford to buy another ramen from the grocery store that was one block down the street. But I digress. That lock remained on the door for years.

Another very fond memory of mine was when I wrote a letter to my father about all the verbal abuse and control at the hands of my stepmother. I folded the note and wrote "dad — this is for you and no one else. please don't show anyone." I left it on my desk and went to my mother's for the week (this was when I was 14). He read it, showed it to her, then sat my brothers and me down at the kitchen table to discuss it. They had written the letter with me but of course, the confrontation scared them so they threw me under the bus. I was subsequently locked in my room for 2 days. I didn’t eat or drink anything. I ended up getting so sick I vomited. When that happened my stepmother permitted me to leave my room to eat supper on day three. I was still sick but she accused me of intentionally vomiting the food she had prepared.

That last story reminds me of the time my father found my diary and read it out loud to my brothers and stepmother while I sat idly by at the kitchen table with my head in my hands, humiliated.
I can keep going with stories like this but let's just say they made it very clear for many years that at 18 my brothers and I were no longer welcome in the house. They went so far as to buy me pots and pans as a Christmas gift when I was 17 and stick a note on it that said "take the hint." And on my 18th birthday, I got a 2-pack of mugs that were given as a free gift with every purchase over $100 at our local grocery store. It was not wrapped and had a sticky note on it that said "happy b-day, dad".

Anyways. Needless to say, at 18 we all moved out. My eldest brother still has a tight relationship with him but my middle brother and I are completely out. It has now been 8.5 years since we moved out. Many times I attempted to make amends with both our mother and father but it didn't work out. They rejected me. "I don't have a daughter" are the words that struck me the hardest.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL

Extremely traumatized. Had my parents stayed together I would have never been abused by my brother. Probably not by my parents either. And definitely not by my stepmother. It was extremely traumatized. After I moved out at 18, I ended up with a severe cocaine addiction that led to me putting myself in a position to be raped. Two days after that I attempted to kill myself and spent a week in the hospital recovering.

But I have moved on.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her

I have made a promise to myself to NOT be my parents to my own kids. I have three of them now. Reliving the trauma of my childhood and adolescence helps to remind me of what kind of parent I will never, ever, EVER be to them

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

It's not your job to comfort your parents. But if you see that they are hurting, it's okay to sit beside them and just hold their hand in silence. It can bring them comfort, but most of all it can make you feel closer to them.

If it's a very traumatic separation (separation, in general, is traumatic, so the level of trauma you will experience is relative to your life experience thus far), seek therapy. If you can speak to your school guidance counselor, a teacher your trust, or another family member, that's a good place to start. I found a lot of comfort in sharing my life stories with my most trusted educators at school.

And most of all, remember this — you are not to blame. You are an innocent bystander caught in the crossfire, and nothing else.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Became a Recluse

2 minute read.

This story was written by Ken at 58 years old. His parents separated when he was 11. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

His STORY

I do not know specifically, my parents sat my sister (younger than myself) and I down and stated they were getting a divorce. I remember 3 very specific details 1) my sister said to me "I bet you're happy Mom and Dad are getting a divorce" and 2) both my Mom and Dad are standing on opposite sides of me in my Dad's garage of his rental house and both asked me which parent do I want to live with? 3) I believe after years of realizing some memories from my past that my Dad's adultery with another woman he worked with was part of the reason, which he ended up marrying, but the marriage lasted less than 1 year.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE him FEEL

I think I processed by being a reclusive person when I would be at my dad's house on the weekend visits or being a poor student, I would ride my bike and work my paper route after school. I also did not maintain a healthy weight from an early age and was made fun of it as the "fat" kid because of that.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED him

When I visit my Dad's home on weekend visits I also turned to pornography as an escape, also food/eating/junk food binging and being a loner and later a rescuer to help others more than I knew I needed help as a deflection outlet.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

I would say that after talking with a mentor I worked with and reading the book earlier this year, "The Power Of The Other" by Dr. Henry Cloud, and reading about the 4 corners. I decided I needed to tell someone about how Pornography was consuming me and I needed help, I had tried therapy, but I did not pursue it, I also read the book provided through SAA - Sex Addicts Anonymous and reading the real-life stories is very powerful. I also did not know this podcast was a thing (suffering in silence for many, many years) but found it by shear accident one day and started listening to your episodes and found there are others out there, and this podcast is a HUGE help in understanding what I have gone through and that I am enough and I can get help and can make a difference to somebody else.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Was Walking On Eggshells

2 minute read.

This story was written by Alana at 22 years old. Her parents separated when she was 5. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

My parents divorced when I was 5 and I honestly remember very little about my life from then until about 4th grade. I think I suppressed all those memories because it was filled with so much arguing and my younger brother always got much more attention than I did simply because he needed it more than me. Our dad always did the best he could to be active in my life, and he did an excellent job of that, but my mom's alcoholism and other personal problems got worse as I got older.

My dad remarried my abusive stepmom when I was 14, and she constantly tried to isolate me and my brother from our dad and from the rest of my dad's family as well. They're currently getting a divorce since my dad finally recognizes this abuse. My mom also remarried when I was 19 to a guy who is generally nice, but he enables my mom's excessive drinking behaviors.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL

It made me feel like I had no one to share my emotions with, and I never grew super close to either of my parents. My mom was much more invested in work or my brother, so I was just kinda on autopilot. My dad tried to make a connection with me, but since we didn't see him that much, it was hard. As a result, I would feel extremely uncomfortable sharing my own thoughts and emotions with others. I didn't even really know what anger felt like until I was 21 because I had repressed anger my whole life as a form of self-preservation.

It's taken 4 years of unpacking my childhood in order to start to get comfortable sharing my emotions, but I still feel like I can't talk to my mom about anything really. I was also extremely confused because I thought the abusive things my stepmom did were "normal." Deep down I knew something about her actions was wrong, but I convinced myself it was okay as a method of self-preservation. Interacting with her made me feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells, and I was always worried I would "do the wrong thing" around her and as a result, she'd do more to keep me away from my dad.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

As a teen it made me cling to unhealthy relationships with guys just to get the affection and attention that I didn't get from my parents. When I would think about my future in a potential marriage, I was terrified that I wouldn't know how to function because I had never seen how a marriage is supposed to work. I was also scared I wouldn't know how to be a good mother. I trusted that God would somehow use my parent's divorce to still teach me something, though, and looking back now I see all the ways that it prepared me for my current marriage.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

God doesn't give us crosses for no reason. No matter how bad the situation is, He uses it for something good. You might not find out what that reason is until years later, but your experiences will not go to waste. For me, it's helped me identify unhealthy practices in relationships, and has therefore helped me develop good practices in my marriage. It has also let me help a number of my friends and kids I work with as their own parents go through separation or divorce. As painful as my parent's divorce and other relationships have been, I am thankful that I experienced it so I can help others.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Grew Up Far Too Fast

2 minute read.

This story was written by Chloe at 23 years old. Her parents separated when she was 9. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

My mother was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma before I turned 9, not exactly sure what year, but it turned her world upside down, to say the least. Money was tight, we were in a recession, and she was barely keeping things together for both my younger brother and myself. My father decided this situation was enough to run away from, and so, found comfort in a very close female friend. What first was only talking over the phone, quickly turned into a visit across states, that then turned into an affair. Though he claims he and my mother were only "separated," they were not in fact divorced. It's funny, my mom and I just recently found the legal document of their divorce. On November 16th, 2010, it was finalized.

Furthermore, the woman he had been seeing, moved to our home state to be with him. She became my stepmother in a way, though they never married. I care about this woman very much, and I still keep her around in my life for I do not hold anything against her. Over the last 12 years that she and my father have been together, he has had 5 accounts of cheating on her that she knows of. My brother and I were always aware of the first two and the very last one, which has rattled our reality just this past year, as he has since broken up with our "stepmother" to be with this other woman. The first one was the biggest trauma I have suffered, considering my father was having an affair with a 19-year-old girl, and he always talked about this adult relationship with my brother and me when we were still children.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL

I remember the day my father sat both my brother and I down on the couch to break the news. I remember it profoundly. I have a very good memory and remember accounts of my father's behavior over the course of my entire life that I feel I have analyzed him as a whole person, knowing all of his tells and all of his flaws. I had to be overtly aware of everything as a child, picking up on his behavior, as well as other peoples'. I had to step up at a time when my brother and I felt our father had abandoned us (mind you, my brother acted out to this trauma in extreme ways of violent and angry behavior). My sense of empathy heightened, and my maturity shot through the roof. I grew up far too fast because of these situations and have felt the long-lasting effects throughout my life.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her

I was not given the right therapy as a child to thoroughly talk through my feelings. Because of this, I have therapized myself as an older woman and am still on this self-healing journey--even when I feel I have healed enough. I would encourage anyone who is going through divorced parents to seek professional help and talk through it.

The divorce of my parents has affected me more than I realize, but it is the actions of my father that have traumatized me the most out of everything. It has fatally wounded my perception of love and even in my very first relationship ever with my boyfriend, whom I just met last year in college, I find these traumas are affecting me in various ways, such as shutting down in moments of emotional distress, self-sabotaging my own relationship, suffering various insecurities, a massive fear of my partner cheating on me, and the fear of marrying the right person.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

We need more conversation that surrounds the wounds that divorced parents leave young children. Many people don't think of it as a massive trauma, as if traumas can be compared to one another. We must not belittle the trauma of a child of divorce, as it most likely will have long-lasting psychological impacts in the future.

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I Felt Abandoned

2 minute read.

This story was written by Sam at 20 years old. His parents separated when he was 7. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

His STORY

I was born in Bangladesh in a Buddhist family. When I was around 6 years old they started fighting. My mom was still going to college and my dad had a job as an accountant. My dad would sometimes force her out of bed in the morning. My paternal grandma also used to live with us. One time my mom spilled tea on her by accident and I think my dad raged a lot that time but I don't remember exactly what happened. Then after some time both of my dad and mom's families came to our house to discuss about the situation; my mom took me to live with her until I was around 13 or something I started to live with my dad. My mom decided to marry a Muslim guy and started living with him. I stopped talking to my mom after that.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE him FEEL

I didn't actually feel anything that much at the time, I was still happy. What hit me was when she married someone else, I felt abandoned at the time and I had a lot of anger toward her for whatever reason. I already had problems telling people when they asked me about parents. All I felt was abandonment, anger and not knowing what I'd tell people when they'd ask me about my parents. When I'd go to school, I'd see everyone bringing lunch from home made by their moms and that'd make me so sad sometimes. My dad had to run for the job in the morning so he'd just give me some money to buy something from the canteen and food there was not good at all. I'd wish so much to have a normal family. When we'd have to write paragraphs about our family I didn't know what to write.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED him

When I was around 8th grade I started acting out and my father couldn't handle me anymore so he sent me to Thailand as a buddhist monk. I've been here for 4 years now. And I never wanted to live like this. I haven't been able to make any real friends or do anything that I like. I can't go just visit places as a monk. My life is really restricted. I always dreamed of studying astrophysics or anything astronomy related as kid but cause I'm a monk I couldn't choose science in school and now I'm studying in University and can't study anything I like as well. Not to mention the quality of education in buddhist universities are so bad too. I feel so miserable and lonely nowadays. I never had a problem with loneliness but it just started hitting me this year and I can't do anything about it and it hurts so much.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

I don't know what advice I can give but as a kid I had no understanding of the world but when I started growing I realized everyone deserves happiness no matter what. I became understanding of my mom's situation even though that's not what I wanted. I can't say much as I'm still struggling but I'd say try to understand their situation from their perspective.

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I Realized I Had No One to Comfort Me

2 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous Patrice Brown at 30 years old. Her parents separated when she was 11. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

The ultimate reason my parents split was infidelity. Being so young, I can’t remember exactly how they were in a relationship but I can remember very specific unhealthy interactions between them. I was standing there when my Dad pleaded with my mom and she yelled and screamed for him to go away. I remember a day after the divorce that changed everything for me. My dad was gone and my mom was out. I heard my two younger siblings crying while I was on the computer writing short stories. So I went to comfort them. In that moment everything became real. I realized I had no one there to comfort me. I spent the majority of my life and childhood making sure everyone else was okay and being a sounding board for my mom.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

It made me feel insecure and vulnerable. I proceeded to look for love in all the wrong places.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

I haven’t ever had a lasting relationship. I forgive people but only so much until I’m calling it quits. I was running from a fear of being with someone for 25 years and then discovering they were the wrong person. So out of that fear, I ended it with the wrong people before it went too far. I also chose the wrong people, people I wanted to fix instead of love.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Stay connected to your hobbies. Do self-care. Don’t go out looking for the love that’s missing at home. Take your time with yourself and your healing. Seek God.

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I Was Left Feeling Hopeless

2 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous contributor at 17 years old. Her parents separated when she was 17. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

As long as I could remember my parents would always fight. However, my dad’s mother, my grandmother, died of cancer in 2019 and my dad has increasingly become more of a workaholic and can be very temperamental.

My parents were in marriage counseling starting in 2020 and when my older sister went away to college in 2021 our family dynamic shifted and there were fewer distractions to keep them from fighting. I was jealous of my sister who was able to get away from that fighting. My whole life but especially in the past few years this has been a huge problem.

My parents have very different communication styles and my mom has a lot of childhood trauma. They would put me in between their arguments a lot and I was always left feeling hopeless. In July 2022, they separated with uncertainty of whether or not they would divorce. I’m going into my senior year of high school, and even though I have wanted my parents to separate my whole life, this was the one year I didn’t want them to because it’s my last year at home.

HOW THE SEPARATION MADE HER FEEL

I was not surprised, and I saw it coming. I was relieved, so when I became really anxious and depressed I was really confused. But then I had to be okay with not being okay. I think it really brought back up a lot of things I pushed aside when I was a kid that I thought weren’t big problems because my parents downplayed things as to make us feel like things were okay. I think that made me embarrassed to feel sad about it, like I was being dramatic. But your podcast has helped me validate my feelings.

HOW THE SEPARATION HAS IMPACTED HER

It’s really messed up my mental health so far and makes me think that nothing is permanent or secure.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES

I don’t really have any right now, I’m just trying to navigate things for myself. But I think what I would say is that don’t feel bad for feeling bad, or for feeling relieved.

Even though divorce and separation is so normalized—like half of my friends parents are divorced, we don’t really talk about how hard it is that much and I think that’s kept very hush hush and “it’s not really anyone’s business”, but that is very isolating. We need to have more open conversations about that.

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God Will Never Leave or Forsake You

2 minute read

This story was written by an anonymous contributor at 15 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 8 years old. She gave permission for his story to be shared.

HER STORY

I don’t really know an exact answer; as a child, I have always tried to figure this out. When my parents did live together I could tell as a child it wasn’t a healthy marriage. They would always argue though I feel as I get older my memory of when they were married is sketchy and hard to recall.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

It’s hard to figure out how/what I am feeling. When they were married I wanted them to separate because their marriage wasn’t healthy and they would always be arguing. They never communicated well and would always argue. My mom took me to church growing up and still does and I would blame her for not having a Godly dad.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

Yes, I believe having the family I do has impacted me and shaped me into who I am today. My parents’ divorce doesn’t define me but it has shaped me into who I am today.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES

Seek after God; know that God will never leave or forsake you. Find someone you trust to talk to about how you are feeling. Don’t be scared to talk to someone. It’s healthy to talk to someone about how you feel. Holding in your emotions and feelings is not healthy.

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The Scary Thing Is That I Feel Nothing

2 minute read

This story was written by an anonymous contributor at 23 years old. His parents divorced when he was 14 years old. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

HIS STORY

Well, before all this, I was used to my parents fighting at home. I remember one time the fight got really bad. It got to the point where my dad was strangling my mum. I was a kid at the time and I remember trying to pull his hands off her neck. The scary thing about all this is that I feel nothing when revisiting this memory. Anyway, before the divorce, there was another nasty fight just before I went back to school from a school break we were taking. ( I was in a boarding high school at the time).

At the end of that semester my mum came for me at school as usual, but this time she told me we would be going to a new house and that she and my father had separated. She explained that the separation had to happen to make sure the fighting at home did not get worse. I talked to my dad that day and all he asked me was what I thought about the whole divorce situation. That was all the explanation I got on that day and since then I have been navigating the holidays by just thinking about who I will visit and for how long.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL

To be honest, nothing. I never dealt with it, all I remember doing is agreeing to all explanations and moving on like nothing was different. I still do this to date.

HOW HIS PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HIM

I am just learning about the impact of the divorce even as I type this. I find it hard to trust and I appreciate that this has strained most of my friendships. I have never been in a romantic relationship (which is embarrassing considering almost everyone I know has been in one) and I find it hard to connect to people intimately. I have struggled with substance abuse (marijuana), porn, and suicidal thoughts for the past few years. Fortunately, I was able to kick the marijuana use a few months ago. My self-esteem has also been severely impacted and I am trying to improve this because otherwise, I become too self-conscious and unable to properly interact with others.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES

Free or affordable resources such as Restored, therapy, and counseling should be availed for those affected because the healing goes a long way in living a fulfilled life.

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My Heart Began to Tear in Two

5 minute read

This story was written by an anonymous contributor at 31 years old. His parents divorced when he was 8 years old. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

HIS STORY

I was 8 years of age when my mom filed for divorce after finding a man who made her happier than my dad. In the end, my dad wanted the divorce as well. My parents didn't discern their choice to marry very well: my dad didn't really 'love' my mom, and my mom thought she could accept certain character flaws in my dad that, turns out, she could not. (Among other things from both sides). It sounds like they shouldn't have married in the first place.

I hear much of their marriage was unhappy. But, as an adolescent, I was oblivious to much of it. They would fight—yell at one another, primarily. But rarely did it amount to anything, or so it seemed. As far as I was concerned, life was good. My sister and I had numerous friends about our same age in the neighborhood with whom we'd play roller hockey, tag, jump on the trampoline, play in dirt piles, etc. School was good. Sports were enjoyable. We went on family vacations to the beach which were the best. Life was oh so good.

Then one day, shortly after a rough fight, my mom and dad sat my sister and me down in the sunroom, and my mom told us that she and my dad would be spending some time apart for a while. I really didn't understand the ramifications of that until some time later when we were cleaning up our house in order to sell it and move into two separate houses. I remember my mom complimenting me on how clean and orderly my room looked; it was bittersweet receiving the compliment knowing that on the one hand, I was pleasing my mom, and on the other, I was helping mom and dad go their separate ways. My heart began to tear in two in order to follow both.

A few months later my mom and stepdad married and moved into a house in a retirement neighborhood. My dad had moved into a house outside of town where there were no kids. And then the every other week routine began.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL

Sadness was the prevailing emotion. I was (and still am) sad at the loss of my parents' marriage, our family, a stable home, consistently playing with and visiting friends. My mom had taught us to pray before going to sleep at night when we were quite young. After their divorce, I would frequently pray the "Parent Trap" prayer hoping they would get back together. I also recall times of anger, loneliness, confusion. After a while, I simply stopped feeling anything.

HOW HIS PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HIM

I feel like I am still uncovering the ways. These effects may be from my parent's divorce or elsewhere; I find it confusing. One effect has been on my internal stability. I can feel anxious and lost even at home. Where is home, by the way? I've noticed a difficulty in making and keeping friendships. Oftentimes I can be quite independent. After the divorce, I began to occasionally skip outings with friends or feigning an illness during sleepovers so I could just be home with mom or dad. After all, I would tell myself, "I only get to see my mom and dad half as much as my other friends." I have difficulty feeling emotions and being vulnerable with others. Sometimes I become aware of this and realize just how oblivious I can be to my emotions. I also experience much confusion and a deep wanting for connection and direction. A big impact has been a lack of trust in romantic relationships. I have felt very sensitive to signs of betrayal from previous girlfriends. This can lead me to close off if I'm not careful.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

I'd advise the person to share his/her thoughts and feelings with a trusted person as soon as possible, and frequently. Also, maintain your other relationships: with God and with good family and with good friends. See a counselor/therapist as well, someone who is trained to help children of divorce.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES

Help him/her process what is happening as soon as possible.

A child of divorced parents needs a consistent listening ear, someone with the disposition to understand as opposed to being understood, and who gives the child time and space to share. The child needs someone who recognizes that when the child says that everything is ok, it's really not ok. The child needs the acknowledgment that what he/she is feeling is real and important. Unfortunately, during a divorce, the parents may not be emotionally available, and, frankly speaking, perhaps they never were. This can lead to the child holding in thoughts and emotions that can lead to future harm.

I think helping the children form healthy relationships is also quite important.

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I Knew Finally That Somehow My Life Was Worth Living

18 minute read

This story was written by an anonymous contributor at 40 years old. His parents divorced when he was 9 years old. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

HIS STORY

I don't know. I still don't know.

In 1950, the United States of America entered the Korean War. A newlywed Catholic man in the city of New York joined the Army, left his new bride, fought in the Far East, won a Purple Heart, and returned home with a bad case of shell shock and mysterious brain cancer.

His family opposed the marriage for ethnic reasons and so disowned him. He fathered three daughters with his bride, but their stormy marriage ended when he succumbed to brain cancer barely two years after the birth of the youngest daughter.

The widow embraced a tyrannical and acrimonious parenting style. That youngest daughter went to a university on the other side of the state, earned a bachelor's degree, and met a young man. He came from a local intact Catholic family with several brothers, possibly with some alcohol problems, served for four years in the Navy, returned home, and met this young woman.

After a few years of various activities, they moved to Virginia Beach, where he started a job as a civilian mechanic for the Navy. They deluded the state into registering them as married but apparently never celebrated a sacramental wedding. When an unusual series of severe snowstorms struck the city, she conceived me, their firstborn son.

I thought that I had an idyllic childhood with two loving parents and three wonderful younger siblings. My mother took care of us children at home while my father worked as a civilian for the Navy. We went to Mass at the local Catholic parish every Sunday. In time, I attended the local public school and earned good grades.

They seemingly had no friends and almost never engaged in any social encounters insofar as I saw. I expected to emulate my father when I attained adulthood, and he encouraged and affirmed my chosen career path, which ultimately I followed, even though it didn't match his career.

Each summer, our family spent a week or so in the city of New York, visiting my maternal grandmother, her parents, and sometimes a few of her relatives. We never visited the family of my father, and they rarely conversed on the telephone or sent letters or packages. Apparently, my mother thought that a married man should have no contact with his family of origin.

As the United States of America achieved victory in the Cold War, the Navy began to prepare for major downsizing. My father wanted to continue his career with the Navy, so he occasionally took evening, overnight, and weekend shifts instead of or in addition to his normal daytime shift and trained for several alternative positions.

This change clearly upset my mother. I noticed an increase in acrimony, but I heard that parents sometimes disagree, so I didn't recognize any major problems. The idea of parents separating for a reason other than military deployment or death simply never entered my mind. Regardless, my father increased his alcohol consumption and on rare occasions engaged in mildly regretful behavior while drunk. Meanwhile, my newborn youngest sister experienced a series of worrisome health problems, beginning with a somewhat low birth weight, which my mother later attributed to stress from marital discord.

One summer, we went to the city of New York as usual, but my father stayed in Virginia Beach and worked at his job and repaired the house. Our vacation lasted not for one or two weeks but for four or five weeks. When we returned, I noticed that he hadn't mowed the lawn. After our return, my father mowed the lawn, and normal family life seemingly resumed. But a week or two later, he loaded his car with a rather large quantity of clothes and some other things and departed. He never returned.

What happened? I didn't know. I thought of perhaps a business trip or a sea voyage with the Navy or even in the merchant marine. But the hours turned to days and weeks and months and years. Strangely, cash began to appear in our mailbox on Navy paydays. My father must have sent it, so he probably went not far away, but confusingly, he didn't see, speak, or play with me anymore. And my mother used appalling language to describe him in his absence. Her spoken rationale for the separation made no sense in the context of my knowledge of my father. But one oft-repeated reason struck me: My father hated me and wanted to do terrible things to me

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL

Initially, little in my life changed with the absence of my father. We continued to live in the same house, to engage in the same type of activities, and to attend Mass every Sunday. I progressed from elementary school to middle school and knew nobody in my new class. I vented my anger at the alleged hatred of my father mostly through yelling despicable insults at the wind.

But as the firstborn son, I carried an obligation to my younger siblings to defend the honor and reputation of my family. Within the first year, I determined to conceal the shameful separation and never mentioned it to anybody. I never invited anyone to my house, and when I received invitations to social engagements, I always declined, lest I incur an obligation to reciprocate and thus risk revealing the absence of my father.

As a consequence, I developed few friendships in middle school, none of them close. If pressed for information about my father, I generally responded that he works on ships and that they go out to sea a lot and that he doesn't say much about his job.

The departure of my father from the family home left me, a nine-year-old boy, as the man of the house, implicitly responsible for providing my mother with the technical assistance, financial resources, muscle power, and emotional support to run a household.

In this role, I barely tried and failed miserably. I perhaps wanted to mow the lawn, but I couldn't even find a way into the garage to access the lawnmower, which as a child I wasn't allowed to use. I knew not how to fulfill this necessary role. Instead, after bumbling for a year or two, my mother developed a relationship with another man.

This new man took an interest in my family and genuinely tried to support me and better our lives whenever he experienced sobriety. Unfortunately, he often drank alcohol to excess and sometimes erupted in a drunken rage. Nevertheless, he capably fulfilled the duties of "man of the house" at which I failed completely. I still dreaded this new relationship because it both destroyed any potential for restoration of my father and brought the outbursts of alcohol-fueled rage into the house. But I could not deny my relative inadequacies as man of the house. Nor did I appreciate the trauma to come.

Increasingly, meanwhile, I began to wonder why my father suddenly hated me enough to abandon the family. In reality, he neither hated me nor tried to destroy my life nor wished me ill. But I had no means of knowing that my father didn't hate me. I ultimately concluded that I did something so reprehensible, so horrific, so despicable--something that no other child ever did--that it caused my previously loving father to hate me irreversibly. But what? I tried to remember but failed to identify the deed of mine that caused this separation.

Some time amid this situation, the state courts finalized the legal divorce between my father and my mother. The settlement made minor changes to the status quo but unleashed the opportunity for a new period of dysfunction and chaos. It began with cohabitation and fornication and culminated in another fake marriage. They deceived the state into accepting them as married but never received the sacrament of holy matrimony (nor any Catholic marriage preparation, however inadequate).

The drunken fits of rage gradually increased in frequency and intensity with the passing of the years, and this new man frequently insulted my mother, my siblings, and me even before they deluded the state into considering them married. Although he acted quite pleasantly and helpfully when sober, that sobriety came progressively less frequently. When drunk, his behavior varied from fits of rage to repeating verbal insults to urinating around the house to snoring semi-consciousness.

For all of these problems, I increasingly blamed myself. I accepted his insults as factual truths about my nature, my character, my identity. I thought that if only I didn't exist, then my family would revert to a peaceful, healthy state. I blamed myself for the departure of my father, for this abusive relationship, for his drunkenness, for the fits of rage, fights, and discord. I began to see this man as an innocent victim, as a tool with which I tortured my family. But I was too stupid, too malicious, too evil-hearted, too oblivious to identify and to reform the attitudes and the behaviors of mine that caused all of these problems.

Meanwhile, in middle school, I made little effort, and my grades plunged. I misbehaved frequently but rarely got caught. With the chaos at home, I continued to avoid friendships. In time, I passed from middle school to high school. I aspired to win admittance to a university to pursue my chosen career, and my mother and my father long earlier endorsed this goal.

Moreover, the prospect of traveling far away to attend a university represented an honorable escape from a profoundly unhappy home life, one that my younger siblings ultimately followed. Therefore, I began to put more effort into increasingly rigorous academic schoolwork and enrolled in several extracurricular activities.

But I still tried to avoid developing friendships, lest people come to know my shameful and awful family situation, or, worse, my malign influence ruin their lives too. Meanwhile, my prayer life utterly collapsed except continued attendance at Mass on Sunday (which I valued principally as an hour-long escape from almost incessant conflict) and at the mandatory but almost worthless religious education classes, which culminated in the sacrament of confirmation.

The situation at home deteriorated into unpredictable episodes of property destruction and criminal violence about which I never told anyone. I used school as a refuge from the chaos at home and trained myself to think only about the academic course material and not about the home situation while at school or on school buses.

At home, I tried to study but internalized the loud insults and assumed blame for the violence. The man of the house often dredged up minor incidents from years earlier and used them to taunt me for weeks on end. I erected numerous barriers in my mind to keep the problems as secret as possible. I tried to minimize the requests of my family. I imposed painful punishments on myself for causing the wrath and for failing to stop it.

Despite my improving grades, I still sometimes slipped back into those bad middle-school habits and fell short. I wanted to leave the family on honorable terms that set a good example for my younger siblings and so end the drunkenness and trauma.

Meanwhile, my already gravely awful self-image darkened still more. I tried to avoid social relationships in general, but once I reached the eleventh grade, numerous students saw me as a classmate in several classes during the school day and in extracurricular activities. Hence, peers began to capture me into their social networks, even if only for potential help with unrelentingly rigorous school classes and activities.

Insofar as I knew, everyone in the high school (or more properly, those who took advanced classes in preparation for university admission) except my sister and I all came from intact, functional, loving families. I began to think that my malevolence extended well beyond my family throughout the community like a sort of malicious, quasi-spiritual, almost demonic Rube Goldberg machine that I alone triggered with my misdeeds. And I couldn't find a way to stop triggering it. Meanwhile, in my worldview, everyone else in my life simply, effortlessly, and unfailingly avoided all the intuitively obvious misbehavior with which I continually drove my family into ever deeper dysfunction. Of course, this self-perception was utterly insane.

With the maelstrom at home continuing to intensify still further, I tried to reveal nothing and continued to decline all invitations for social interaction and even study groups outside the school day. Even so, people noticed something not right, including deep-seated pessimism and low self-esteem.

School teachers occasionally questioned me discreetly about my home situation, but I invariably identified myself as the only problem. I feared that if people learned the truth, then the state would take my siblings away to my father, who would torture, abuse, and abandon them as another manifestation of my malignity. Even if that didn't happen, I wanted people to think highly of my sister and my younger siblings.

Nevertheless, somehow, despite my concealment and aloofness, I managed to fall very unintentionally into a particularly helpful support network. My classmates treated me kindly and tried to encourage me, but I began to suspect (almost certainly wrongly) that they did so not from charity or amity but from fear of my malevolence. I don't know what my classmates knew, thought, or said of me in my absence.

Nowadays, I can see the hand of God working through the situation for my benefit. One day as a struggled through classes and contemplated the premature end of my wretched life, I turned, exasperated, to a particularly widely admired girl, who somehow made acing schoolwork appear easy. She smiled at me and softly spoke the best advice I have ever received in a single word: "Pray."

I should have followed, but I came to perceive the attitude of the man of the house on a drunken rampage as a mere shadow of the wrath with which God the Father intended to punish me eternally for my sins in causing all the trouble in my family and into the wider community. And I thought that that man forgave more easily than God. I feared that even attempting to pray only would provoke more intense wrath from God. Obviously, I suffered from horribly warped misconceptions and denial of the mercy of God.

I can relate still more horrible episodes from those years. But this essay has gone too long. The city police finally removed the man of the house after another drunken violent rampage, and he faced trial for felony assault charges. This outcome confused me as I saw him as an innocent victim, a tool of my malevolence, akin to an ax in the hand of an ax murderer, an automaton without sufficient capacity to choose less harmful actions.

Although we expected him to return with even worse violence, he only engaged in occasional harassment, and I never saw him again outside the courtroom. Although he held a good job, his alcohol consumption, expensive toys, and property destruction made him a net drain on household finances. My younger brother assumed the role of man of the house, keeping the cars in good repair, mowing the lawn, fixing broken stuff, and warding away a series of suitors. A divorce ultimately followed sometime later but changed nothing.

Despite my manifest insanity and with tremendous unsolicited encouragement from that peer support network, I applied to a prestigious university in the Northeast. The university accepted me, much to my surprise, and my high school graduated me, so I went to higher education with even a partial scholarship.

HOW HIS PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HIM

I arrived on a university campus where I knew nobody. I intended to try to earn a degree and if possible to learn how to behave as a professional man. Although I suspected insurmountable academic challenges, the rigorous high school curriculum prepared me well.

Many years of intentional social avoidance, however, left me with very poor social skills. A deep depression haunted and engulfed me, and I often struggled to summon the willpower to complete the most basic tasks. The intense moral darkness that characterizes the American university scene eroded my already warped sense of right and wrong. I mistook sophistries for sapience and tried in vain to find the logical coherence of the incoherent nonsense of the day.

I concluded that I was simply too stupid for the university scene despite grades high enough to earn a bachelor's and master's degree. Hearing of the concept of "microaggressions," small, often unconscious actions with supposedly enormous potential to degrade entire cultures, made me fear participating in society, lest my already manifest malign influence ruin more and more lives.

And in a notorious "party school" culture, complete with alcohol abuse and widespread sexual improprieties, misery enveloped the lives of many students (and failed ex-students who continued to live in the community). My goal of training myself to act as an upright young American professional found no obvious solution. I frequently planned ways of ending my earthly life and proceeding immediately to Hell, which, I imagined, would bring relief and healing and joy to everyone around me. I just wanted to take as few other, innocent souls with me to Hell as possible.

Because I arrived from a household that always went to Mass on Sunday (and probably unconsciously because my father unfailingly took me to Mass on Sunday when he still lived with me), I mostly continued that habit on campus. Early in my university years, I somehow by the grace of God got sucked into the small Catholic community on this enormous campus.

At first, I went principally because it offered free food close to my dormitory. The food stopped, but for some not articulable reason, I kept going anyway. When I withdrew and ceased attending these functions, some fellow students noticed me on campus and goaded me into returning. These messages that I heard resonated in my heart and in my mind but contrasted sharply with almost every other influence in my life. I thought that I was just too stupid to understand the logical coherence between the message of the Church and that of the larger university community.

And I had no parents, no father to whom I might turn for help or even just emotional support in navigating this strange world. The upbeat, emotionally charged events managed if only briefly and partially to interrupt the thick fog of severe depression and constant negative self-talk. Somehow through those long and severely awful years, Jesus Christ through His Church gave me the will to live. But over many years, I adopted the actions and attitudes of the culture and a lifestyle of constant grave sin. And it wasn't just the despair and depression.

One April evening of my final year on that campus, I entered a large but otherwise empty university classroom, where I encountered a Catholic priest. He immediately began the sacrament of confession, "Father, forgive you, for you have sinned. It has been ___ months since your last confession. But that was not a good confession. In fact, you've never made a good confession." I did nothing to prepare for this encounter, but he was right. I couldn't identify sin in my life.

After so many years of university indoctrination, I wondered whether twitching the wrong way in an elevator was a grave sin, whereas killing a baby was a good deed. I never had a father to teach me manly virtue. I didn't know how to behave. I certainly didn't want to repeat any role in the trauma the unfolded over several years in my home, and I thought that God couldn't forgive me until I identified the sins of mine that precipitated the problems and restored the happy marriage of my parents, all without His divine assistance. And even if I managed that impossible task, then God probably would decline mercy and send me to Hell eternally anyway. Or so I erroneously thought.

Instead of requiring me to list my sins, however, the priest listed and described my sins for me; I said only, "Yes, Father," when asked to assent. He then led me through a primitive act of contrition. At this time, I fully expected to hear him berate me as irredeemable, but he instead pronounced the words of absolution.

He then reiterated and reemphasized that because God forgave me my sins, if I die immediately through no fault of my own, then I would go ultimately and eternally to Heaven. So for once, Jesus Christ, my God in the person of His priest gave me hope, set me free, and directed me on the right Way through this miraculous encounter. And although the deep depression quickly resumed, the suicidal impulses never returned. I knew then finally that somehow my life was worth living.

I ultimately graduated, left the world of academia, moved halfway across the country, and somehow managed to find a job. I tried to stop those habits of sin that I confessed. I joined a Catholic parish and began the practice of regular confession. I tried to follow a severely disciplined lifestyle. Initially, I expected to fail at my job, and I still feared that my malign influence would ruin the lives of my colleagues and particularly might destroy their marriages.

But as the months and years unfolded, events realized non of my fears. I kept my job, my colleagues did not turn into abusive alcoholics, their marriages didn't fail, and my fears slowly began to subside. With still no real social life, I began to seek answers to the deeper questions of life, obvious answers that everyone else already knew intuitively (or at least they so understood in the era of Christendom). Eventually, I quit the self-harm, and the depression gradually began to lift.

But even as I accepted the willingness of God to forgive my own sins, I still blamed myself entirely for the divorce of my parents and for the abusive relationship that followed. And as much as I wanted to marry, I had no positive male role models to follow. I only slowly after several years began to build a limited social life. I imagined that a married man confines his human interactions to the family of his wife and those minimally necessary to provide for his wife and children, as I observed as a small boy. Anything more, I presumed, constituted infidelity.

In conformity with this supposed societal expectation, I avoided conversations with persons whom I knew or suspected to be married. Of course, that meant that I had no even observational experience of healthy family life. And I never even dated a woman. In fact, I still haven't gone on a first date yet, even at my advanced age.

Eventually, more than twenty years after the separation, I found a telephone number for my father on the Internet and reestablished contact. I quickly found that he doesn't hate me, doesn't wish ill upon me, and doesn't even blame me for the separation, which, I now appreciate if only slightly, hurts him terribly.

I began to question whether perhaps I wasn't entirely and exclusively at fault. Then I wondered whether forgiving my parents for their separation necessarily entailed assuming the blame and guilt. I still struggle with these concepts. And I wish that I had performed better as an older brother to my siblings. Living a thousand miles away prevents my mother from running my life and interfering with my finances. But it also separates me from my sister and her family and from my brother and his family and from my youngest sister, also still unmarried. Hearing my mother repeatedly propose divorce to my siblings pains me greatly, and I regularly inveigh against the wretched idea.

And although I began to build a somewhat normal social life, I still avoid revealing the true state of my parents' marital status. I don't really have any close friendships. I try to avoid imposing burdens on people, asking for favors, or interfering in their private lives. I still struggle with negative self-talk, especially regarding interpersonal relationships. Nevertheless, I have one particular rather outgoing married friend, who has shared with me the joys of family life as he rears and educates his many children. I still look at faithful husbands with awe, and I struggle to attain to the maturity that they displayed even as teenagers. I recognize the great good of fatherhood. But I doubt that I ever will attain to the qualities and character necessary to start a family. Or even try.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

This wound doesn't heal. It only gets worse with time. This is your cross, so take up your cross and follow Jesus. You cannot control your parents and their relationship (really, you can't), but you still can attempt to minimize and control secondary wounds. But how?

First, get to confession. Even if you single-handedly caused the divorce (and assuredly you did not, but even then), then God wants to forgive you and awaits you in the confessional. Moreover, confessions are secret, and Saint Jan Nepomucký even died as a martyr in defense of the seal of the confessional. So don't worry about your parents or anyone else learning what you confess. (You may try to schedule your confession so that your parents aren't nearby and cannot overhear, but rest assured, Father will not tell them.)

If you cannot make the confession schedule, call the parish office or just visit when you can and dare to inquire. Try to find an "examination of conscience" sheet to help you to prepare. If you cannot find one or do not understand the vocabulary, do not fear. Just enter the confessional and say, "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. It has been (number) months since my last confession. I don't know what behavior is and is not sinful, so please help me."

If your parish doesn't help, then try a different parish; you can confess at any parish or anywhere else you may encounter a Catholic priest. And Church law requires confession at least once per year and whenever conscious of mortal sin, but many bishops encourage confession at least monthly, even weekly. It is perfectly okay to decline meeting your parents' new partners. It is okay to not attend family events for a bit if it will hurt you. You need to focus on your healing, not keeping your parents happy. Seek Christ, even when it is so hard and even if you are angry.

Second, pray every day, prayer brings you in communion with God. If your situation allows, pray in silence before the Blessed Sacrament exposed in adoration. A former youth minister at my current parish recommended an hour of contemplative prayer every day in addition to daily Mass and more. You may find that schedule too daunting or impossible to sustain in the face of your other obligations. But pray every day at least ten or twenty minutes.

Try to find a quiet space. If you cannot get to the local parish church, then pray in your room or in your backyard, stop at a local park en route to or from school, pray on the school bus, or wherever else you can find to make your sacred space. Saint Karol Józef Wojtyła, an orphaned slave of the Nazis, prayed daily at a cemetery in Kraków, where he learned of Saint Faustina Kowalska and the devotion to Divine Mercy. Just as that now-famous icon says, trust in Jesus. He will deliver you in the end, and he can assist you even now.

Third, get to church every Sunday and on any other day when the opportunity arises. If you have access to the Internet, a parish bulletin, or another resource, then try to follow the daily Mass readings. If you can go to Mass then go thither, regardless of how abandoned or awful or unlovable you may perceive yourself. Never miss church on Sunday.

God sent you a message in His Word, Jesus Christ, and in his word, the Scriptures. You have only to absorb the message. And remember that God did not forsake you; he never forsook His own Son. When on Good Friday, Jesus cries, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?," He in is excruciating agony does not despair of the presence of His Father; rather, He invites those within the range of His voice to join him in praying Psalm 22, He does not finish the psalm vocally because those in earshot already know the psalm because of their familiarity with this poetry of King David and also because he lacks the oxygen to continue; the crucified die of asphyxiation as they gradually lose the strength necessary to inhale. But Psalm 22 ends with a prediction of resurrection. You too should learn the Scriptures. And you too will flourish one day in a way that seems unimaginable now.

This isn't easy, and your life always will be complicated, confusing, and difficult. But sustain hope and persevere to the end and you will triumph, even if you cannot foresee any such possibility. Remember, God loves you.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES

Stop divorce before it happens. Help people to understand the sacramental and indissoluble nature of holy matrimony. Try to identify, assist, and coach troubled couples. Teach people the laws of nature and of nature's God, recognition of which almost has vanished in our society. Start early, even before serious dating begins.

Outlaw pornography. Restore the Comstock act and enforce it.

Remember that these teens and young adults exist on every part of the socioeconomic scale in America today. Although dysfunctional households pervade the underclass, many aspiring young professionals and housewives suffer from dysfunctional families of origin. And some of us never publicly acknowledge it because we don't want to bring further discredit upon ourselves and our families.

Tragically, statistics now show that most American teenagers lack parents and survive in dysfunctional homes or otherwise lack stable home life. They need examples of healthy marriages, and with the suppression of good history and classical literature and moral instruction from public education, they also may need an introduction to the concept of genuine marital life.

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I Built Walls Around Myself

4 minute read

This story was written by Ashlyn at 27 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 24 years old. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

Over the past year, since writing my first story for the Restored blog, I have been forced to come to terms with the fact that my parents' marriage really is over. When the divorce happened—I knew it happened—but there was still a part of me that had a minor ounce of hope that maybe, somehow God would repair their marriage and renew my family. But it didn't quite happen that way.

My father recently got remarried, and now my mother is engaged to be married later this year. Watching your parents fall in love with other people comes with a great deal of mixed emotions. On one hand, I do desire my parents to be happy, on the other hand, I feel angry and betrayed.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I remember when my parents first got divorced, I spent hours in the Adoration chapel at Church begging God to heal my family. Asking for basically an impossible miracle. I didn't realize that I have still been praying this prayer for the past 3 years since the divorce.

When my dad got remarried, it finally hit me like a ton of bricks that this prayer had not been answered in the way I desired. I grew angry at God. The anger I had towards my parents shifted towards God. Over the past 6 months, since my dad got remarried, I've sat in church unsure of the relationship I have with God because of this anger.

I have told God that I am angry and I have told God that He betrayed me; that He didn't answer my prayers. With all this being said, I did have a moment of realization: for the past 3 years, instead of doing the work and taking the time to heal, I've been spending so much of my energy being angry. It is time for me to start healing.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

I built walls around myself. They are walls that were built by immense anger and feelings of betrayal. I hate talking about my family as I feel shame and embarrassment. There is also a level of justification I feel like I have to provide about my family. But like I said, I realized I had spent so much time and energy building walls out of anger that I wasn't spending any time focusing on any real healing.

Recently, I started seeing a new counselor and I am learning how to put up boundaries with my parents. I did not go to my dad's wedding because I wasn't ready and I couldn't bring myself to witness a new marriage. My dad's new relationship has hurt me and I couldn't be in support of something that has hurt me. I also am more honest about my feelings, and I speak more freely about my parents’ divorce because sharing my story has helped me find healing.

I am also rebuilding my relationship with Christ. I realized He isn't the one who made the decision for my parents. I realized that God is still working and does still keep His promises even if they look different than what I would expect. God is not done yet. He is healing me and I do believe He will heal my family and I will see new unity someday in my family.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

The best advice I would share with someone whose parents are divorced is to seek counseling as soon as possible. Do not put your healing on the back burner. If you do, you will build walls as I did. Create boundaries and be honest with where you are at with processing the divorce and healing.

It is perfectly okay to decline meeting your parents' new partners. It is okay to not attend family events for a bit if it will hurt you. You need to focus on your healing, not keeping your parents happy. Seek Christ, even when it is so hard and even if you are angry.

The cool thing about Jesus Christ is He already took our own wounds upon Himself by dying on the cross. He can handle us being angry at Him and telling Him so. In fact, tell Him how you feel because He will listen and He will answer your prayers. He will work in your life and you will receive His grace and see the fruits of His work in ways you never imagine.

The final piece of advice I would suggest is to find a community of other adults who have had similar experiences as you've had with all of this. Through Restored, I have made friends with whom I can share my struggles, and who share their struggles with me. We can share things with one another without feeling ashamed because we have both lived through it and understand.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES

I think so many people who have divorced parents feel a level of shame, especially if they come from strong Catholic or Christian communities who teach that divorce is wrong. I think each parish or diocese should have a ministry or support group for teens and/or adults who are maybe struggling with their parents’ divorce.

I think divorce is often a "taboo" subject and that is why many of us struggle to find a place within the church because somehow we feel guilty even though we were not the ones who made the decision to divorce. I think also encouraging married couples that it’s okay to receive marriage counseling even if they aren't having particularly large struggles in their marriage.

Marriage counseling should be encouraged in all phases and areas of marriage so that we can break the generational habit of getting divorced. Divorce does not have to be a family trend and we should be teaching engaged and young married couples skills to prevent their marriages from heading in that direction early on so when they do face big challenges, they are able to overcome them without getting divorced.

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You Can Still Love and Be Loved

2 minute read

This story was written by Cody at 22 years old. His parents divorced when he was 14 years old. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

HIS STORY

My parents fought a lot. Often over the most insignificant things; many mornings I would hear them fight over who stole the other person’s cigarette lighter. When I was fourteen my mother initiated the divorce after several intense fights that happened in the year leading up to that decision.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL

I was enraged. I felt incredibly alone and my parents kept using me as a pawn to hurt each other. I used the divide in parental authority to hide in my room and play video games; anytime I was outside my room I wore headphones and listened to music. I was very isolated.

All I could feel was anger. When I wasn't mad I just didn't feel anything at all. I feel so badly for my friends who had to deal with me being so angry and arrogant about everything. I am surprised that they still chose to be my friends through that first year of the divorce, though we never talked much.

HOW HIS PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HIM

I feel, for lack of a better word, socially handicapped. I struggle to empathize or show compassion with strangers or friends. My instinctual lack of trust makes it hard to foster real empathy and I become so frustrated with myself.

I think an especially broken area of my life is dating. Everything feels like it’s life or death. When a relationship is just starting I am gripped with fear that nothing is going to work out and I will get my heart broken. The fear leads me to become despondent and I am unable to care about the woman I am going out with. In long-term relationships, I am always afraid that the end is right around the other corner and that has a suffocating effect on the relationship.

It’s not all doom and gloom though! I have experienced real healing from my relationships. The divorce has been debilitating and I wouldn't wish anyone go through this, but it isn't a "Game Over". You can be happy, you can be loving, you can be loved, it just comes slowly.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

There must always be the hope that YOU can still love and be loved. YOU must make that the core of your being because, sadly, you're parents aren't capable of giving you that anymore. Don't despair, and try to find a way to love and care for yourself and for others (it doesn't have to be a big thing, and keep yourself safe).

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES

We need to have a way to share in family life. I have lost so much and now I struggle greatly with believing in the family. I want to learn how to interact in loving ways, how to be a good dad and a loving husband but all I have is books and podcasts. Sharing time in the midst of whole families has been so healing, I wish there was a way more young people could experience this.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

It's Not Your Fault and You Are Not Alone

6 minute read

This story was written by an anonymous contributor at 54 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 4 years old. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

I don't remember anything about the separation/divorce when it happened since I was 4 years old. Basically, my parents were swingers (going to parties and swapping partners) in Southern California during the seventies. My dad met a woman (my stepmom of 50 years) who he fell in love with before leaving my mom, who didn't want a divorce. The first summer after the divorce, my mom left on a trip to Europe for 3 months that dad had encouraged her to do before the separation. My mom was angry so she just drove to his new house and dumped us off with him and my stepmom for the summer. It was hard for everyone.

Because it was the seventies, moms usually got custody, so my two older sisters and I saw our dad every other weekend. We stayed in the family home, which in hindsight was a blessing. And while probably not great for my dad or our relationship, I'm glad we didn't have to live in two different households and go back and forth midweek with clothes and homework and the stress that brings to the situation.

My mom went to work full time, and I was a latchkey kid starting in kindergarten, walking home by myself and letting myself into an empty house. But even that wasn't so bad because the majority of the time I would stop at our family friends' house and their mom would give me snacks and let me hang out with her, or I'd go and play Yahtzee with the old man who lived next door to them.

There were several things that were hard then and now. I was the youngest and definitely daddy's little girl, but that all changed as he was fiercely loyal to my stepmom and she was very demanding of his time and attention. Also, I had the misfortune of being the spitting image of my mom, so while my sisters could fit in and form a relationship with my stepmom, I feel like ours was strained early on by my resemblance to my mom, and later by my anger and attitude.

Also, when I was 12 years old my mom got remarried and was moving to a new city. The courts decided I was old enough to decide who I wanted to live with. As my dad was hoping to get us to live with him the majority of the time, I felt torn and pressured in making the decision.

It was a lose-lose situation. If I chose my dad, my mom would have lost all 3 of her daughters as my sisters had already decided to live with my dad. If I chose my mom (which I ended up doing) my dad would feel slighted (which he did) and the relationship would be strained even more. To make matters worse, my middle sister decided to go with me to my mom's but left after a year because she had trouble adjusting and making new friends. So I had another big abandonment in my life from the sister I was closest to.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I can't say how it made me feel at the time because I was so young, but I know I developed a lot of insecurity, anger, trust issues, and daddy issues. It was stressful because our parents didn't want to talk to each other. My mom had us coordinating weekend visits with my dad who was angry himself, so my sisters and I used to argue over who had to call him to make arrangements because we were all scared of him.

He wasn't violent, but he always treated us like adults when we were kids, had unrealistic expectations of us, and had a steely voice that was very intimidating. We never knew what was going to set him off because we didn't have clearly defined rules for him. We always felt like we were walking on eggshells. I never felt like I had unconditional love. In hindsight, I think a lot of that was because he was being influenced by stepmom and what she wanted, so if she was angry over something, he would get angry at us.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

I became very promiscuous, always looking for love in all the wrong places. It became an addiction that I couldn't stop, and it made me hate myself a little more every time. I had my first drink at 11 years old and continued to drink a lot during high school and college.

I had trouble with relationships, male and female, forming attachments due to my fears of abandonment. I mistrusted men and adults, who I felt let me down. I felt very vulnerable like I was a creep magnet. I had so many strange encounters with men: a Halloween flasher wearing only a plastic mask over his privates, a flasher in a speedo harassing women in our dorm, a guy who pulled up in a car outside my elementary school, asked for directions, and then started masturbating in front of me, another one in a park in the middle of the day in D.C.

I had crippling self-esteem issues from the divorce, and the choices I made after the divorce made it worse. My lack of confidence affected my ability to get things done and advance in a career. I jumped around a lot. I have had lifelong depression that has just started to lift over the past 2 years.

I have been married for 20 years and it's by far been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I've never been one to stick around in a relationship. I always wanted to end it before I could get hurt. We struggled for the first 17 years, and I stayed mostly because of my son, and because I had told myself I would never, ever get a divorce.

When my husband wasn't treating me with respect and our relationship was spiraling, I finally started thinking about the possibility of divorce. It was shortly after that things started to get better because I felt more empowered. Also, before that, I had been living with one foot in and one foot out of the relationship which didn't work. I wasn't committed enough to make it work. I decided it wasn't fair to either of us to be half in. I either had to be all in and try and make it work or end it.

We were stuck in unhealthy patterns and both felt helpless to turn it around, but it miraculously turned around after many years of therapy for me. I now have the marriage I always wanted.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

I think it's hard to understand how much it affects you until you get older, so I guess find someone to talk to or journal your feelings. You need to voice it. To sort it out for yourself. And that will be a lifelong journey. Read David Kessler's On Grief and Grieving and allow yourself to grieve the divorce. You have lost so much! It's okay to acknowledge that. Don't be afraid to feel the pain and sorrow. You need to grieve that in order to move on eventually.

Also, know that it's not your fault and that you are not alone. If you are angry, depressed, lonely, whatever, just know that a lot of that stems from the divorce. But you also can decide how you want to respond, and what kind of person you want to be. Anger hurts you more than the object of your anger, and it doesn't change their behavior at all. Try to control what you can, and accept the things you can't.

Also, try to recognize your parents as flawed human beings like the rest of us who are just doing the best they can. If you can do that, you can have more mercy and forgiveness towards them. You may think your parents know what they are doing, but they are just as clueless as you are. They think divorce is the answer to all their problems, and it's not. If your parents are separated or thinking about divorce, beg them not to. Your life will never be the same. Even if it's a difficult marriage, encourage them to stick it out.

Also, it may not seem like it sometimes, but your parents do love you. Break the wound of silence and let them know how much you’re hurting. Stop trying to protect them from their mistakes. Your feelings are just as important as theirs!

Read up on the common effects of divorce on children and learn to recognize your destructive habits. If you have religion, lean into it, if you don't, think about what's working in your life and what's not working for you, and try to find a way to make your life livable. Don't just keep repeating the same behaviors and expect different results.

Also, you will be amazed by how you can change other people's behavior by first changing your own. They will respond to positive changes from you. Loving others unconditionally changes people! Even if you didn't receive that love, you can give it to others, and eventually, you will get it back.

And finally, be gentle with yourself. Life is hard. Life for children of divorce is harder. Love yourself even if nobody else does. Treat yourself with kindness, gentleness, and patience the way you would want a good friend to treat you.

Get rid of any self-destructive behaviors. You are a child of God first and foremost, and He loves you unconditionally! He wants to use you for good, to help yourself and others to not just survive, but to thrive, and to live the life you were born to live!

Things will get better, but you will have to work hard at healing yourself. You are worth the time and effort. It's hard, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES

They need mentors--someone they can talk to, and not just in therapy. They need to learn how to communicate with their parents in constructive ways. They need coping skills. How to handle different situations and emotions. They need conflict management skills. And lastly, support groups.

Also if they do go to therapy, it needs to be with someone who is experienced and educated about the issues plaguing children and adult children of divorce.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I've Realized This is My Life Now

2 minute read

This story was written by Haley Calonge at 19 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 19. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

I came home for a weekend from college and my parents sat me down. They told me they were getting a divorce. They told me that they had argued for too long to continue to be married and that their paths were going in different directions.

I had noticed that for a while they had been sleeping in separate rooms and they weren't as communicative to each other as usual.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

To be completely honest, I don't know how this divorce has made me feel. I was upset for about 3 hours a week after my parents told me. The rest of the time, I have had no feeling towards it.

I guess you could say I am sad, but I know they won't get back together so I have started to realize this is my life now. Don't get me wrong, I'm sad about it but I don't think about it often until it pops into my head that my family is broken.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

It has been rough. There aren't many people in my family who are divorced, so it has been rough telling people and realizing that I have divorced parents. I have told 3 of my friends, so it has also been hard telling people I can trust.

It has also made me question love and marriage as a whole. Overall, I would just say it has been rough on me mentally.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

Coming from someone whose parents are recently divorced, I would say just find someone you trust 100% and talk to them about it.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES

If teens’ and young adults’ parents are separated or divorced, they just need to talk about it with someone they trust and that they know that it's not their fault.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.