I Knew Finally That Somehow My Life Was Worth Living

18 minute read

This story was written by an anonymous contributor at 40 years old. His parents divorced when he was 9 years old. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

HIS STORY

I don't know. I still don't know.

In 1950, the United States of America entered the Korean War. A newlywed Catholic man in the city of New York joined the Army, left his new bride, fought in the Far East, won a Purple Heart, and returned home with a bad case of shell shock and mysterious brain cancer.

His family opposed the marriage for ethnic reasons and so disowned him. He fathered three daughters with his bride, but their stormy marriage ended when he succumbed to brain cancer barely two years after the birth of the youngest daughter.

The widow embraced a tyrannical and acrimonious parenting style. That youngest daughter went to a university on the other side of the state, earned a bachelor's degree, and met a young man. He came from a local intact Catholic family with several brothers, possibly with some alcohol problems, served for four years in the Navy, returned home, and met this young woman.

After a few years of various activities, they moved to Virginia Beach, where he started a job as a civilian mechanic for the Navy. They deluded the state into registering them as married but apparently never celebrated a sacramental wedding. When an unusual series of severe snowstorms struck the city, she conceived me, their firstborn son.

I thought that I had an idyllic childhood with two loving parents and three wonderful younger siblings. My mother took care of us children at home while my father worked as a civilian for the Navy. We went to Mass at the local Catholic parish every Sunday. In time, I attended the local public school and earned good grades.

They seemingly had no friends and almost never engaged in any social encounters insofar as I saw. I expected to emulate my father when I attained adulthood, and he encouraged and affirmed my chosen career path, which ultimately I followed, even though it didn't match his career.

Each summer, our family spent a week or so in the city of New York, visiting my maternal grandmother, her parents, and sometimes a few of her relatives. We never visited the family of my father, and they rarely conversed on the telephone or sent letters or packages. Apparently, my mother thought that a married man should have no contact with his family of origin.

As the United States of America achieved victory in the Cold War, the Navy began to prepare for major downsizing. My father wanted to continue his career with the Navy, so he occasionally took evening, overnight, and weekend shifts instead of or in addition to his normal daytime shift and trained for several alternative positions.

This change clearly upset my mother. I noticed an increase in acrimony, but I heard that parents sometimes disagree, so I didn't recognize any major problems. The idea of parents separating for a reason other than military deployment or death simply never entered my mind. Regardless, my father increased his alcohol consumption and on rare occasions engaged in mildly regretful behavior while drunk. Meanwhile, my newborn youngest sister experienced a series of worrisome health problems, beginning with a somewhat low birth weight, which my mother later attributed to stress from marital discord.

One summer, we went to the city of New York as usual, but my father stayed in Virginia Beach and worked at his job and repaired the house. Our vacation lasted not for one or two weeks but for four or five weeks. When we returned, I noticed that he hadn't mowed the lawn. After our return, my father mowed the lawn, and normal family life seemingly resumed. But a week or two later, he loaded his car with a rather large quantity of clothes and some other things and departed. He never returned.

What happened? I didn't know. I thought of perhaps a business trip or a sea voyage with the Navy or even in the merchant marine. But the hours turned to days and weeks and months and years. Strangely, cash began to appear in our mailbox on Navy paydays. My father must have sent it, so he probably went not far away, but confusingly, he didn't see, speak, or play with me anymore. And my mother used appalling language to describe him in his absence. Her spoken rationale for the separation made no sense in the context of my knowledge of my father. But one oft-repeated reason struck me: My father hated me and wanted to do terrible things to me

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL

Initially, little in my life changed with the absence of my father. We continued to live in the same house, to engage in the same type of activities, and to attend Mass every Sunday. I progressed from elementary school to middle school and knew nobody in my new class. I vented my anger at the alleged hatred of my father mostly through yelling despicable insults at the wind.

But as the firstborn son, I carried an obligation to my younger siblings to defend the honor and reputation of my family. Within the first year, I determined to conceal the shameful separation and never mentioned it to anybody. I never invited anyone to my house, and when I received invitations to social engagements, I always declined, lest I incur an obligation to reciprocate and thus risk revealing the absence of my father.

As a consequence, I developed few friendships in middle school, none of them close. If pressed for information about my father, I generally responded that he works on ships and that they go out to sea a lot and that he doesn't say much about his job.

The departure of my father from the family home left me, a nine-year-old boy, as the man of the house, implicitly responsible for providing my mother with the technical assistance, financial resources, muscle power, and emotional support to run a household.

In this role, I barely tried and failed miserably. I perhaps wanted to mow the lawn, but I couldn't even find a way into the garage to access the lawnmower, which as a child I wasn't allowed to use. I knew not how to fulfill this necessary role. Instead, after bumbling for a year or two, my mother developed a relationship with another man.

This new man took an interest in my family and genuinely tried to support me and better our lives whenever he experienced sobriety. Unfortunately, he often drank alcohol to excess and sometimes erupted in a drunken rage. Nevertheless, he capably fulfilled the duties of "man of the house" at which I failed completely. I still dreaded this new relationship because it both destroyed any potential for restoration of my father and brought the outbursts of alcohol-fueled rage into the house. But I could not deny my relative inadequacies as man of the house. Nor did I appreciate the trauma to come.

Increasingly, meanwhile, I began to wonder why my father suddenly hated me enough to abandon the family. In reality, he neither hated me nor tried to destroy my life nor wished me ill. But I had no means of knowing that my father didn't hate me. I ultimately concluded that I did something so reprehensible, so horrific, so despicable--something that no other child ever did--that it caused my previously loving father to hate me irreversibly. But what? I tried to remember but failed to identify the deed of mine that caused this separation.

Some time amid this situation, the state courts finalized the legal divorce between my father and my mother. The settlement made minor changes to the status quo but unleashed the opportunity for a new period of dysfunction and chaos. It began with cohabitation and fornication and culminated in another fake marriage. They deceived the state into accepting them as married but never received the sacrament of holy matrimony (nor any Catholic marriage preparation, however inadequate).

The drunken fits of rage gradually increased in frequency and intensity with the passing of the years, and this new man frequently insulted my mother, my siblings, and me even before they deluded the state into considering them married. Although he acted quite pleasantly and helpfully when sober, that sobriety came progressively less frequently. When drunk, his behavior varied from fits of rage to repeating verbal insults to urinating around the house to snoring semi-consciousness.

For all of these problems, I increasingly blamed myself. I accepted his insults as factual truths about my nature, my character, my identity. I thought that if only I didn't exist, then my family would revert to a peaceful, healthy state. I blamed myself for the departure of my father, for this abusive relationship, for his drunkenness, for the fits of rage, fights, and discord. I began to see this man as an innocent victim, as a tool with which I tortured my family. But I was too stupid, too malicious, too evil-hearted, too oblivious to identify and to reform the attitudes and the behaviors of mine that caused all of these problems.

Meanwhile, in middle school, I made little effort, and my grades plunged. I misbehaved frequently but rarely got caught. With the chaos at home, I continued to avoid friendships. In time, I passed from middle school to high school. I aspired to win admittance to a university to pursue my chosen career, and my mother and my father long earlier endorsed this goal.

Moreover, the prospect of traveling far away to attend a university represented an honorable escape from a profoundly unhappy home life, one that my younger siblings ultimately followed. Therefore, I began to put more effort into increasingly rigorous academic schoolwork and enrolled in several extracurricular activities.

But I still tried to avoid developing friendships, lest people come to know my shameful and awful family situation, or, worse, my malign influence ruin their lives too. Meanwhile, my prayer life utterly collapsed except continued attendance at Mass on Sunday (which I valued principally as an hour-long escape from almost incessant conflict) and at the mandatory but almost worthless religious education classes, which culminated in the sacrament of confirmation.

The situation at home deteriorated into unpredictable episodes of property destruction and criminal violence about which I never told anyone. I used school as a refuge from the chaos at home and trained myself to think only about the academic course material and not about the home situation while at school or on school buses.

At home, I tried to study but internalized the loud insults and assumed blame for the violence. The man of the house often dredged up minor incidents from years earlier and used them to taunt me for weeks on end. I erected numerous barriers in my mind to keep the problems as secret as possible. I tried to minimize the requests of my family. I imposed painful punishments on myself for causing the wrath and for failing to stop it.

Despite my improving grades, I still sometimes slipped back into those bad middle-school habits and fell short. I wanted to leave the family on honorable terms that set a good example for my younger siblings and so end the drunkenness and trauma.

Meanwhile, my already gravely awful self-image darkened still more. I tried to avoid social relationships in general, but once I reached the eleventh grade, numerous students saw me as a classmate in several classes during the school day and in extracurricular activities. Hence, peers began to capture me into their social networks, even if only for potential help with unrelentingly rigorous school classes and activities.

Insofar as I knew, everyone in the high school (or more properly, those who took advanced classes in preparation for university admission) except my sister and I all came from intact, functional, loving families. I began to think that my malevolence extended well beyond my family throughout the community like a sort of malicious, quasi-spiritual, almost demonic Rube Goldberg machine that I alone triggered with my misdeeds. And I couldn't find a way to stop triggering it. Meanwhile, in my worldview, everyone else in my life simply, effortlessly, and unfailingly avoided all the intuitively obvious misbehavior with which I continually drove my family into ever deeper dysfunction. Of course, this self-perception was utterly insane.

With the maelstrom at home continuing to intensify still further, I tried to reveal nothing and continued to decline all invitations for social interaction and even study groups outside the school day. Even so, people noticed something not right, including deep-seated pessimism and low self-esteem.

School teachers occasionally questioned me discreetly about my home situation, but I invariably identified myself as the only problem. I feared that if people learned the truth, then the state would take my siblings away to my father, who would torture, abuse, and abandon them as another manifestation of my malignity. Even if that didn't happen, I wanted people to think highly of my sister and my younger siblings.

Nevertheless, somehow, despite my concealment and aloofness, I managed to fall very unintentionally into a particularly helpful support network. My classmates treated me kindly and tried to encourage me, but I began to suspect (almost certainly wrongly) that they did so not from charity or amity but from fear of my malevolence. I don't know what my classmates knew, thought, or said of me in my absence.

Nowadays, I can see the hand of God working through the situation for my benefit. One day as a struggled through classes and contemplated the premature end of my wretched life, I turned, exasperated, to a particularly widely admired girl, who somehow made acing schoolwork appear easy. She smiled at me and softly spoke the best advice I have ever received in a single word: "Pray."

I should have followed, but I came to perceive the attitude of the man of the house on a drunken rampage as a mere shadow of the wrath with which God the Father intended to punish me eternally for my sins in causing all the trouble in my family and into the wider community. And I thought that that man forgave more easily than God. I feared that even attempting to pray only would provoke more intense wrath from God. Obviously, I suffered from horribly warped misconceptions and denial of the mercy of God.

I can relate still more horrible episodes from those years. But this essay has gone too long. The city police finally removed the man of the house after another drunken violent rampage, and he faced trial for felony assault charges. This outcome confused me as I saw him as an innocent victim, a tool of my malevolence, akin to an ax in the hand of an ax murderer, an automaton without sufficient capacity to choose less harmful actions.

Although we expected him to return with even worse violence, he only engaged in occasional harassment, and I never saw him again outside the courtroom. Although he held a good job, his alcohol consumption, expensive toys, and property destruction made him a net drain on household finances. My younger brother assumed the role of man of the house, keeping the cars in good repair, mowing the lawn, fixing broken stuff, and warding away a series of suitors. A divorce ultimately followed sometime later but changed nothing.

Despite my manifest insanity and with tremendous unsolicited encouragement from that peer support network, I applied to a prestigious university in the Northeast. The university accepted me, much to my surprise, and my high school graduated me, so I went to higher education with even a partial scholarship.

HOW HIS PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HIM

I arrived on a university campus where I knew nobody. I intended to try to earn a degree and if possible to learn how to behave as a professional man. Although I suspected insurmountable academic challenges, the rigorous high school curriculum prepared me well.

Many years of intentional social avoidance, however, left me with very poor social skills. A deep depression haunted and engulfed me, and I often struggled to summon the willpower to complete the most basic tasks. The intense moral darkness that characterizes the American university scene eroded my already warped sense of right and wrong. I mistook sophistries for sapience and tried in vain to find the logical coherence of the incoherent nonsense of the day.

I concluded that I was simply too stupid for the university scene despite grades high enough to earn a bachelor's and master's degree. Hearing of the concept of "microaggressions," small, often unconscious actions with supposedly enormous potential to degrade entire cultures, made me fear participating in society, lest my already manifest malign influence ruin more and more lives.

And in a notorious "party school" culture, complete with alcohol abuse and widespread sexual improprieties, misery enveloped the lives of many students (and failed ex-students who continued to live in the community). My goal of training myself to act as an upright young American professional found no obvious solution. I frequently planned ways of ending my earthly life and proceeding immediately to Hell, which, I imagined, would bring relief and healing and joy to everyone around me. I just wanted to take as few other, innocent souls with me to Hell as possible.

Because I arrived from a household that always went to Mass on Sunday (and probably unconsciously because my father unfailingly took me to Mass on Sunday when he still lived with me), I mostly continued that habit on campus. Early in my university years, I somehow by the grace of God got sucked into the small Catholic community on this enormous campus.

At first, I went principally because it offered free food close to my dormitory. The food stopped, but for some not articulable reason, I kept going anyway. When I withdrew and ceased attending these functions, some fellow students noticed me on campus and goaded me into returning. These messages that I heard resonated in my heart and in my mind but contrasted sharply with almost every other influence in my life. I thought that I was just too stupid to understand the logical coherence between the message of the Church and that of the larger university community.

And I had no parents, no father to whom I might turn for help or even just emotional support in navigating this strange world. The upbeat, emotionally charged events managed if only briefly and partially to interrupt the thick fog of severe depression and constant negative self-talk. Somehow through those long and severely awful years, Jesus Christ through His Church gave me the will to live. But over many years, I adopted the actions and attitudes of the culture and a lifestyle of constant grave sin. And it wasn't just the despair and depression.

One April evening of my final year on that campus, I entered a large but otherwise empty university classroom, where I encountered a Catholic priest. He immediately began the sacrament of confession, "Father, forgive you, for you have sinned. It has been ___ months since your last confession. But that was not a good confession. In fact, you've never made a good confession." I did nothing to prepare for this encounter, but he was right. I couldn't identify sin in my life.

After so many years of university indoctrination, I wondered whether twitching the wrong way in an elevator was a grave sin, whereas killing a baby was a good deed. I never had a father to teach me manly virtue. I didn't know how to behave. I certainly didn't want to repeat any role in the trauma the unfolded over several years in my home, and I thought that God couldn't forgive me until I identified the sins of mine that precipitated the problems and restored the happy marriage of my parents, all without His divine assistance. And even if I managed that impossible task, then God probably would decline mercy and send me to Hell eternally anyway. Or so I erroneously thought.

Instead of requiring me to list my sins, however, the priest listed and described my sins for me; I said only, "Yes, Father," when asked to assent. He then led me through a primitive act of contrition. At this time, I fully expected to hear him berate me as irredeemable, but he instead pronounced the words of absolution.

He then reiterated and reemphasized that because God forgave me my sins, if I die immediately through no fault of my own, then I would go ultimately and eternally to Heaven. So for once, Jesus Christ, my God in the person of His priest gave me hope, set me free, and directed me on the right Way through this miraculous encounter. And although the deep depression quickly resumed, the suicidal impulses never returned. I knew then finally that somehow my life was worth living.

I ultimately graduated, left the world of academia, moved halfway across the country, and somehow managed to find a job. I tried to stop those habits of sin that I confessed. I joined a Catholic parish and began the practice of regular confession. I tried to follow a severely disciplined lifestyle. Initially, I expected to fail at my job, and I still feared that my malign influence would ruin the lives of my colleagues and particularly might destroy their marriages.

But as the months and years unfolded, events realized non of my fears. I kept my job, my colleagues did not turn into abusive alcoholics, their marriages didn't fail, and my fears slowly began to subside. With still no real social life, I began to seek answers to the deeper questions of life, obvious answers that everyone else already knew intuitively (or at least they so understood in the era of Christendom). Eventually, I quit the self-harm, and the depression gradually began to lift.

But even as I accepted the willingness of God to forgive my own sins, I still blamed myself entirely for the divorce of my parents and for the abusive relationship that followed. And as much as I wanted to marry, I had no positive male role models to follow. I only slowly after several years began to build a limited social life. I imagined that a married man confines his human interactions to the family of his wife and those minimally necessary to provide for his wife and children, as I observed as a small boy. Anything more, I presumed, constituted infidelity.

In conformity with this supposed societal expectation, I avoided conversations with persons whom I knew or suspected to be married. Of course, that meant that I had no even observational experience of healthy family life. And I never even dated a woman. In fact, I still haven't gone on a first date yet, even at my advanced age.

Eventually, more than twenty years after the separation, I found a telephone number for my father on the Internet and reestablished contact. I quickly found that he doesn't hate me, doesn't wish ill upon me, and doesn't even blame me for the separation, which, I now appreciate if only slightly, hurts him terribly.

I began to question whether perhaps I wasn't entirely and exclusively at fault. Then I wondered whether forgiving my parents for their separation necessarily entailed assuming the blame and guilt. I still struggle with these concepts. And I wish that I had performed better as an older brother to my siblings. Living a thousand miles away prevents my mother from running my life and interfering with my finances. But it also separates me from my sister and her family and from my brother and his family and from my youngest sister, also still unmarried. Hearing my mother repeatedly propose divorce to my siblings pains me greatly, and I regularly inveigh against the wretched idea.

And although I began to build a somewhat normal social life, I still avoid revealing the true state of my parents' marital status. I don't really have any close friendships. I try to avoid imposing burdens on people, asking for favors, or interfering in their private lives. I still struggle with negative self-talk, especially regarding interpersonal relationships. Nevertheless, I have one particular rather outgoing married friend, who has shared with me the joys of family life as he rears and educates his many children. I still look at faithful husbands with awe, and I struggle to attain to the maturity that they displayed even as teenagers. I recognize the great good of fatherhood. But I doubt that I ever will attain to the qualities and character necessary to start a family. Or even try.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

This wound doesn't heal. It only gets worse with time. This is your cross, so take up your cross and follow Jesus. You cannot control your parents and their relationship (really, you can't), but you still can attempt to minimize and control secondary wounds. But how?

First, get to confession. Even if you single-handedly caused the divorce (and assuredly you did not, but even then), then God wants to forgive you and awaits you in the confessional. Moreover, confessions are secret, and Saint Jan Nepomucký even died as a martyr in defense of the seal of the confessional. So don't worry about your parents or anyone else learning what you confess. (You may try to schedule your confession so that your parents aren't nearby and cannot overhear, but rest assured, Father will not tell them.)

If you cannot make the confession schedule, call the parish office or just visit when you can and dare to inquire. Try to find an "examination of conscience" sheet to help you to prepare. If you cannot find one or do not understand the vocabulary, do not fear. Just enter the confessional and say, "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. It has been (number) months since my last confession. I don't know what behavior is and is not sinful, so please help me."

If your parish doesn't help, then try a different parish; you can confess at any parish or anywhere else you may encounter a Catholic priest. And Church law requires confession at least once per year and whenever conscious of mortal sin, but many bishops encourage confession at least monthly, even weekly. It is perfectly okay to decline meeting your parents' new partners. It is okay to not attend family events for a bit if it will hurt you. You need to focus on your healing, not keeping your parents happy. Seek Christ, even when it is so hard and even if you are angry.

Second, pray every day, prayer brings you in communion with God. If your situation allows, pray in silence before the Blessed Sacrament exposed in adoration. A former youth minister at my current parish recommended an hour of contemplative prayer every day in addition to daily Mass and more. You may find that schedule too daunting or impossible to sustain in the face of your other obligations. But pray every day at least ten or twenty minutes.

Try to find a quiet space. If you cannot get to the local parish church, then pray in your room or in your backyard, stop at a local park en route to or from school, pray on the school bus, or wherever else you can find to make your sacred space. Saint Karol Józef Wojtyła, an orphaned slave of the Nazis, prayed daily at a cemetery in Kraków, where he learned of Saint Faustina Kowalska and the devotion to Divine Mercy. Just as that now-famous icon says, trust in Jesus. He will deliver you in the end, and he can assist you even now.

Third, get to church every Sunday and on any other day when the opportunity arises. If you have access to the Internet, a parish bulletin, or another resource, then try to follow the daily Mass readings. If you can go to Mass then go thither, regardless of how abandoned or awful or unlovable you may perceive yourself. Never miss church on Sunday.

God sent you a message in His Word, Jesus Christ, and in his word, the Scriptures. You have only to absorb the message. And remember that God did not forsake you; he never forsook His own Son. When on Good Friday, Jesus cries, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?," He in is excruciating agony does not despair of the presence of His Father; rather, He invites those within the range of His voice to join him in praying Psalm 22, He does not finish the psalm vocally because those in earshot already know the psalm because of their familiarity with this poetry of King David and also because he lacks the oxygen to continue; the crucified die of asphyxiation as they gradually lose the strength necessary to inhale. But Psalm 22 ends with a prediction of resurrection. You too should learn the Scriptures. And you too will flourish one day in a way that seems unimaginable now.

This isn't easy, and your life always will be complicated, confusing, and difficult. But sustain hope and persevere to the end and you will triumph, even if you cannot foresee any such possibility. Remember, God loves you.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES

Stop divorce before it happens. Help people to understand the sacramental and indissoluble nature of holy matrimony. Try to identify, assist, and coach troubled couples. Teach people the laws of nature and of nature's God, recognition of which almost has vanished in our society. Start early, even before serious dating begins.

Outlaw pornography. Restore the Comstock act and enforce it.

Remember that these teens and young adults exist on every part of the socioeconomic scale in America today. Although dysfunctional households pervade the underclass, many aspiring young professionals and housewives suffer from dysfunctional families of origin. And some of us never publicly acknowledge it because we don't want to bring further discredit upon ourselves and our families.

Tragically, statistics now show that most American teenagers lack parents and survive in dysfunctional homes or otherwise lack stable home life. They need examples of healthy marriages, and with the suppression of good history and classical literature and moral instruction from public education, they also may need an introduction to the concept of genuine marital life.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Built Walls Around Myself

4 minute read

This story was written by Ashlyn at 27 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 24 years old. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

Over the past year, since writing my first story for the Restored blog, I have been forced to come to terms with the fact that my parents' marriage really is over. When the divorce happened—I knew it happened—but there was still a part of me that had a minor ounce of hope that maybe, somehow God would repair their marriage and renew my family. But it didn't quite happen that way.

My father recently got remarried, and now my mother is engaged to be married later this year. Watching your parents fall in love with other people comes with a great deal of mixed emotions. On one hand, I do desire my parents to be happy, on the other hand, I feel angry and betrayed.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I remember when my parents first got divorced, I spent hours in the Adoration chapel at Church begging God to heal my family. Asking for basically an impossible miracle. I didn't realize that I have still been praying this prayer for the past 3 years since the divorce.

When my dad got remarried, it finally hit me like a ton of bricks that this prayer had not been answered in the way I desired. I grew angry at God. The anger I had towards my parents shifted towards God. Over the past 6 months, since my dad got remarried, I've sat in church unsure of the relationship I have with God because of this anger.

I have told God that I am angry and I have told God that He betrayed me; that He didn't answer my prayers. With all this being said, I did have a moment of realization: for the past 3 years, instead of doing the work and taking the time to heal, I've been spending so much of my energy being angry. It is time for me to start healing.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

I built walls around myself. They are walls that were built by immense anger and feelings of betrayal. I hate talking about my family as I feel shame and embarrassment. There is also a level of justification I feel like I have to provide about my family. But like I said, I realized I had spent so much time and energy building walls out of anger that I wasn't spending any time focusing on any real healing.

Recently, I started seeing a new counselor and I am learning how to put up boundaries with my parents. I did not go to my dad's wedding because I wasn't ready and I couldn't bring myself to witness a new marriage. My dad's new relationship has hurt me and I couldn't be in support of something that has hurt me. I also am more honest about my feelings, and I speak more freely about my parents’ divorce because sharing my story has helped me find healing.

I am also rebuilding my relationship with Christ. I realized He isn't the one who made the decision for my parents. I realized that God is still working and does still keep His promises even if they look different than what I would expect. God is not done yet. He is healing me and I do believe He will heal my family and I will see new unity someday in my family.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

The best advice I would share with someone whose parents are divorced is to seek counseling as soon as possible. Do not put your healing on the back burner. If you do, you will build walls as I did. Create boundaries and be honest with where you are at with processing the divorce and healing.

It is perfectly okay to decline meeting your parents' new partners. It is okay to not attend family events for a bit if it will hurt you. You need to focus on your healing, not keeping your parents happy. Seek Christ, even when it is so hard and even if you are angry.

The cool thing about Jesus Christ is He already took our own wounds upon Himself by dying on the cross. He can handle us being angry at Him and telling Him so. In fact, tell Him how you feel because He will listen and He will answer your prayers. He will work in your life and you will receive His grace and see the fruits of His work in ways you never imagine.

The final piece of advice I would suggest is to find a community of other adults who have had similar experiences as you've had with all of this. Through Restored, I have made friends with whom I can share my struggles, and who share their struggles with me. We can share things with one another without feeling ashamed because we have both lived through it and understand.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES

I think so many people who have divorced parents feel a level of shame, especially if they come from strong Catholic or Christian communities who teach that divorce is wrong. I think each parish or diocese should have a ministry or support group for teens and/or adults who are maybe struggling with their parents’ divorce.

I think divorce is often a "taboo" subject and that is why many of us struggle to find a place within the church because somehow we feel guilty even though we were not the ones who made the decision to divorce. I think also encouraging married couples that it’s okay to receive marriage counseling even if they aren't having particularly large struggles in their marriage.

Marriage counseling should be encouraged in all phases and areas of marriage so that we can break the generational habit of getting divorced. Divorce does not have to be a family trend and we should be teaching engaged and young married couples skills to prevent their marriages from heading in that direction early on so when they do face big challenges, they are able to overcome them without getting divorced.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

You Can Still Love and Be Loved

2 minute read

This story was written by Cody at 22 years old. His parents divorced when he was 14 years old. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

HIS STORY

My parents fought a lot. Often over the most insignificant things; many mornings I would hear them fight over who stole the other person’s cigarette lighter. When I was fourteen my mother initiated the divorce after several intense fights that happened in the year leading up to that decision.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL

I was enraged. I felt incredibly alone and my parents kept using me as a pawn to hurt each other. I used the divide in parental authority to hide in my room and play video games; anytime I was outside my room I wore headphones and listened to music. I was very isolated.

All I could feel was anger. When I wasn't mad I just didn't feel anything at all. I feel so badly for my friends who had to deal with me being so angry and arrogant about everything. I am surprised that they still chose to be my friends through that first year of the divorce, though we never talked much.

HOW HIS PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HIM

I feel, for lack of a better word, socially handicapped. I struggle to empathize or show compassion with strangers or friends. My instinctual lack of trust makes it hard to foster real empathy and I become so frustrated with myself.

I think an especially broken area of my life is dating. Everything feels like it’s life or death. When a relationship is just starting I am gripped with fear that nothing is going to work out and I will get my heart broken. The fear leads me to become despondent and I am unable to care about the woman I am going out with. In long-term relationships, I am always afraid that the end is right around the other corner and that has a suffocating effect on the relationship.

It’s not all doom and gloom though! I have experienced real healing from my relationships. The divorce has been debilitating and I wouldn't wish anyone go through this, but it isn't a "Game Over". You can be happy, you can be loving, you can be loved, it just comes slowly.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

There must always be the hope that YOU can still love and be loved. YOU must make that the core of your being because, sadly, you're parents aren't capable of giving you that anymore. Don't despair, and try to find a way to love and care for yourself and for others (it doesn't have to be a big thing, and keep yourself safe).

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES

We need to have a way to share in family life. I have lost so much and now I struggle greatly with believing in the family. I want to learn how to interact in loving ways, how to be a good dad and a loving husband but all I have is books and podcasts. Sharing time in the midst of whole families has been so healing, I wish there was a way more young people could experience this.

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It's Not Your Fault and You Are Not Alone

6 minute read

This story was written by an anonymous contributor at 54 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 4 years old. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

I don't remember anything about the separation/divorce when it happened since I was 4 years old. Basically, my parents were swingers (going to parties and swapping partners) in Southern California during the seventies. My dad met a woman (my stepmom of 50 years) who he fell in love with before leaving my mom, who didn't want a divorce. The first summer after the divorce, my mom left on a trip to Europe for 3 months that dad had encouraged her to do before the separation. My mom was angry so she just drove to his new house and dumped us off with him and my stepmom for the summer. It was hard for everyone.

Because it was the seventies, moms usually got custody, so my two older sisters and I saw our dad every other weekend. We stayed in the family home, which in hindsight was a blessing. And while probably not great for my dad or our relationship, I'm glad we didn't have to live in two different households and go back and forth midweek with clothes and homework and the stress that brings to the situation.

My mom went to work full time, and I was a latchkey kid starting in kindergarten, walking home by myself and letting myself into an empty house. But even that wasn't so bad because the majority of the time I would stop at our family friends' house and their mom would give me snacks and let me hang out with her, or I'd go and play Yahtzee with the old man who lived next door to them.

There were several things that were hard then and now. I was the youngest and definitely daddy's little girl, but that all changed as he was fiercely loyal to my stepmom and she was very demanding of his time and attention. Also, I had the misfortune of being the spitting image of my mom, so while my sisters could fit in and form a relationship with my stepmom, I feel like ours was strained early on by my resemblance to my mom, and later by my anger and attitude.

Also, when I was 12 years old my mom got remarried and was moving to a new city. The courts decided I was old enough to decide who I wanted to live with. As my dad was hoping to get us to live with him the majority of the time, I felt torn and pressured in making the decision.

It was a lose-lose situation. If I chose my dad, my mom would have lost all 3 of her daughters as my sisters had already decided to live with my dad. If I chose my mom (which I ended up doing) my dad would feel slighted (which he did) and the relationship would be strained even more. To make matters worse, my middle sister decided to go with me to my mom's but left after a year because she had trouble adjusting and making new friends. So I had another big abandonment in my life from the sister I was closest to.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I can't say how it made me feel at the time because I was so young, but I know I developed a lot of insecurity, anger, trust issues, and daddy issues. It was stressful because our parents didn't want to talk to each other. My mom had us coordinating weekend visits with my dad who was angry himself, so my sisters and I used to argue over who had to call him to make arrangements because we were all scared of him.

He wasn't violent, but he always treated us like adults when we were kids, had unrealistic expectations of us, and had a steely voice that was very intimidating. We never knew what was going to set him off because we didn't have clearly defined rules for him. We always felt like we were walking on eggshells. I never felt like I had unconditional love. In hindsight, I think a lot of that was because he was being influenced by stepmom and what she wanted, so if she was angry over something, he would get angry at us.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

I became very promiscuous, always looking for love in all the wrong places. It became an addiction that I couldn't stop, and it made me hate myself a little more every time. I had my first drink at 11 years old and continued to drink a lot during high school and college.

I had trouble with relationships, male and female, forming attachments due to my fears of abandonment. I mistrusted men and adults, who I felt let me down. I felt very vulnerable like I was a creep magnet. I had so many strange encounters with men: a Halloween flasher wearing only a plastic mask over his privates, a flasher in a speedo harassing women in our dorm, a guy who pulled up in a car outside my elementary school, asked for directions, and then started masturbating in front of me, another one in a park in the middle of the day in D.C.

I had crippling self-esteem issues from the divorce, and the choices I made after the divorce made it worse. My lack of confidence affected my ability to get things done and advance in a career. I jumped around a lot. I have had lifelong depression that has just started to lift over the past 2 years.

I have been married for 20 years and it's by far been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I've never been one to stick around in a relationship. I always wanted to end it before I could get hurt. We struggled for the first 17 years, and I stayed mostly because of my son, and because I had told myself I would never, ever get a divorce.

When my husband wasn't treating me with respect and our relationship was spiraling, I finally started thinking about the possibility of divorce. It was shortly after that things started to get better because I felt more empowered. Also, before that, I had been living with one foot in and one foot out of the relationship which didn't work. I wasn't committed enough to make it work. I decided it wasn't fair to either of us to be half in. I either had to be all in and try and make it work or end it.

We were stuck in unhealthy patterns and both felt helpless to turn it around, but it miraculously turned around after many years of therapy for me. I now have the marriage I always wanted.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

I think it's hard to understand how much it affects you until you get older, so I guess find someone to talk to or journal your feelings. You need to voice it. To sort it out for yourself. And that will be a lifelong journey. Read David Kessler's On Grief and Grieving and allow yourself to grieve the divorce. You have lost so much! It's okay to acknowledge that. Don't be afraid to feel the pain and sorrow. You need to grieve that in order to move on eventually.

Also, know that it's not your fault and that you are not alone. If you are angry, depressed, lonely, whatever, just know that a lot of that stems from the divorce. But you also can decide how you want to respond, and what kind of person you want to be. Anger hurts you more than the object of your anger, and it doesn't change their behavior at all. Try to control what you can, and accept the things you can't.

Also, try to recognize your parents as flawed human beings like the rest of us who are just doing the best they can. If you can do that, you can have more mercy and forgiveness towards them. You may think your parents know what they are doing, but they are just as clueless as you are. They think divorce is the answer to all their problems, and it's not. If your parents are separated or thinking about divorce, beg them not to. Your life will never be the same. Even if it's a difficult marriage, encourage them to stick it out.

Also, it may not seem like it sometimes, but your parents do love you. Break the wound of silence and let them know how much you’re hurting. Stop trying to protect them from their mistakes. Your feelings are just as important as theirs!

Read up on the common effects of divorce on children and learn to recognize your destructive habits. If you have religion, lean into it, if you don't, think about what's working in your life and what's not working for you, and try to find a way to make your life livable. Don't just keep repeating the same behaviors and expect different results.

Also, you will be amazed by how you can change other people's behavior by first changing your own. They will respond to positive changes from you. Loving others unconditionally changes people! Even if you didn't receive that love, you can give it to others, and eventually, you will get it back.

And finally, be gentle with yourself. Life is hard. Life for children of divorce is harder. Love yourself even if nobody else does. Treat yourself with kindness, gentleness, and patience the way you would want a good friend to treat you.

Get rid of any self-destructive behaviors. You are a child of God first and foremost, and He loves you unconditionally! He wants to use you for good, to help yourself and others to not just survive, but to thrive, and to live the life you were born to live!

Things will get better, but you will have to work hard at healing yourself. You are worth the time and effort. It's hard, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES

They need mentors--someone they can talk to, and not just in therapy. They need to learn how to communicate with their parents in constructive ways. They need coping skills. How to handle different situations and emotions. They need conflict management skills. And lastly, support groups.

Also if they do go to therapy, it needs to be with someone who is experienced and educated about the issues plaguing children and adult children of divorce.

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I've Realized This is My Life Now

2 minute read

This story was written by Haley Calonge at 19 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 19. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

I came home for a weekend from college and my parents sat me down. They told me they were getting a divorce. They told me that they had argued for too long to continue to be married and that their paths were going in different directions.

I had noticed that for a while they had been sleeping in separate rooms and they weren't as communicative to each other as usual.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

To be completely honest, I don't know how this divorce has made me feel. I was upset for about 3 hours a week after my parents told me. The rest of the time, I have had no feeling towards it.

I guess you could say I am sad, but I know they won't get back together so I have started to realize this is my life now. Don't get me wrong, I'm sad about it but I don't think about it often until it pops into my head that my family is broken.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

It has been rough. There aren't many people in my family who are divorced, so it has been rough telling people and realizing that I have divorced parents. I have told 3 of my friends, so it has also been hard telling people I can trust.

It has also made me question love and marriage as a whole. Overall, I would just say it has been rough on me mentally.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

Coming from someone whose parents are recently divorced, I would say just find someone you trust 100% and talk to them about it.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES

If teens’ and young adults’ parents are separated or divorced, they just need to talk about it with someone they trust and that they know that it's not their fault.

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My Parents' Divorce Made It Hard for Me to Believe in Lasting Love

1 minute read

This story was written by Shenandoah Lawson at 30 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 12 years old. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My parents should have never gotten married. There was no love between them. They only got married because my mom got pregnant with my older sister and my father guilted my mother into marrying him, saying that she would go to Hell if she didn't.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

Honestly, my parents’ divorce was a relief at first. We didn't have to hear them fight every day, but then things got very bitter and we hardly saw my mom. My dad used us and tried to turn us against her which was so hurtful because she was my hero growing up.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

My parents’ divorce made it very hard for me to believe in lasting love. I felt scared of and unworthy of love. My father never made me feel beautiful and the fact that I always had to try so hard to earn his love set me up for giving too much in relationships because I felt I wasn't enough and had something to prove.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

We are the sum of many broken parts, but that doesn't mean we are broken. We can choose to love and live better. We are not destined to make the same mistakes, but we can learn from them.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES

I like to say "When your heart hurts, love even more." I think looking for ways to practice showing and receiving love helps heal so much, whether it's volunteering or working somewhere that requires you to show patience and empathy.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

In Search of Protection and Security

3 minute read

The story below is by an anonymous author, written at 42 years old. Her parents’ divorced when she was 5. She gave permission for this story to be shared.

HER STORY

It wasn’t until years after the divorce that I learned my father had been unfaithful. At the time I just knew he wasn’t around like other kids’ dads. Someone at school mentioned the word and I came home and asked my mom if that was what they were: divorced.

We went from living in a big house in a manicured neighborhood to living in an apartment in a totally different part of town. I had to change schools. My dad ended up moving across the country with his new wife.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

My dad was the apple of my eye, and I was his. While it’s hard to remember how I felt at the age of 5, I know that there was a sense of deep, deep change. And the fact that there was a new wife meant that my position had changed, too. Later on, I understood these to be wounds of abandonment and rejection.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

As a teenager and young adult, I lost respect for my dad. I sought the security and comfort of family life by integrating myself into the families of others, in particular into the families of boyfriends. As a young adult, I was seeking masculine love and security and was very careless as to how I found it.

When I experienced an unplanned pregnancy with someone I barely knew, I chose to marry him because I believed that’s what marriage was meant for, to provide a safety net for a child. I had no understanding of the spousal relationship independent of parenthood.

I sought in my spouse the security and protection of a father, what I had lost when my father left. I didn’t realize our own lack of relationship would corrode our family life, no matter how hard I worked to “stay married.”

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

Have mercy on them. Their actions do not reflect their love for you. There is a brokenness they cannot rise above.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES

They need to be engaged in dialogue that promotes healing. Someone needs to help them name what they could be feeling, what feelings would be normal, and then help them process those feelings.

The identity of what it means to be a family needs to be affirmed even if the parameters of said family have been altered. And, most importantly, the distinction between being a part of a human family which involves brokenness and the Holy Family where we are loved perfectly is something we should all be taught from as early as possible.

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I Thought Something Was Wrong With Me, Not My Family

6 minute read

This story was written by an anonymous author at 23 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 18 years old. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

Growing up, I always thought I lived in a normal family. Though I experienced what I now know was anxiety and depression from the time I was a young girl, I always thought it was because something was wrong with me—not my family situation.

Looking back, I see how far from a normal, healthy family we were. My mother tried to have a closer relationship with me than my father from the time I was born. As early as eight years old, she confided in me about her struggles with my dad.

By the time I was in high school, I knew all about his alcoholism, pornography addiction, and the hundreds of other ways that she told me he did not measure up to other married men she admired. I was her shoulder to cry on for years, having to remain strong and take care of my younger siblings while she was emotionally unstable and my dad was not present.

My parents rarely showed affection and when my dad attempted, my mom showed expressions of disgust. Family outings always ended in a fight between them that they would take out on me and my siblings. My mom made me "choose sides" and would give me the silent treatment if I talked to my dad while she was angry at him.

My parents spent more years sleeping in separate bedrooms than together, and to me this was normal. It was only in high school, after talking with friends, that I realized married couples could actually be friends and trust each other.

My mom had "kicked" my dad out of the house time and time again, so when it happened during my freshman year of college, I figured they would make up and get back together again. However, what proceeded was a divorce pursued by my mom, which led to the unraveling of both of their lives and those of my siblings.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

For the first year after, I was completely numb. The divorce was no surprise, but I couldn't believe it actually happened. I thought I was happy and lived a great life. Looking back, however, I can see that under that happy shell, inside I was so empty.

I had trouble praying and felt that God was far from me. In the years since, there have been many times that I have broken down crying or felt rage well up in me thinking about all that has been taken from me—my memories, childhood home, visits with grandparents during holidays, and parents, who have only become more emotionally unstable since the divorce.

I felt deep loneliness in college as my parents were going through the divorce and struggled to believe I was loved or cared for by anyone. I struggled greatly with self-confidence and suffered from feelings of low self- worth. I deeply sought the affection and approval of others, but could not believe that anyone truly liked me.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

At first, it numbed me inside. I fell into deep perfectionism, anxiety, and overexercised while undereating. By God's grace, I was led to seek help in counseling, which has greatly helped me recognize my wounds, coping behaviors, and begin the process of healing.

I was blessed to meet my husband, a godly man, who truly supported me and helped me to trust in men. Without his presence, I would have easily fallen into a lifestyle of promiscuity. I struggled in our dating relationship to live out chastity because I was constantly seeking his validation and approval.

Holidays these past years have been gut-wrenching as they are constant reminders of the divorce. Growing up, holidays were one of the bright times as we lived out traditions with cousins, grandparents, and family. Since the divorce, my grandparents have fallen into depression and neither side wants to see each other.

My parents have had new girlfriends/ boyfriends at each holiday, which has only made the loss more real. Even though my parents weren't happily married, I deeply miss when they would at least pretend for us kids. I struggle now as a married woman with family boundaries and the loss of my childhood home to go back to and visit.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

1. Counseling with someone of similar values! This truly saved me from going down a path of destruction. Through counseling, I was able to heal and discern my vocation to marriage in a healthy way. I have learned to see myself as God does, which has slowly healed my prayer life and relationship with God.

Counseling has taught me how to cope with anxiety and helped me recognize and heal my eating disorder tendencies. I still continue seeing my counselor today.

2. Form healthy friendships with those of the same and opposite sex. It can be easy to isolate ourselves from friends and to seek love and validation from a romantic partner rather than truly forming a friendship.

3. Realize that you are loved. Regardless of what your parents have led you to believe or what you may feel, it is an objective truth that you are loved, treasured, and protected by your Heavenly Father regardless of the wounds committed against you or the sins you have committed as a result.

My counselor, husband, and time in prayer have helped me realize these beautiful truths. Though I am still early in the journey of healing, I have lived in such freedom from realizing that all that has happened in my family is not my fault and that I am so loved.

4. Seek and create beauty. In times where I felt a loss of identity or found it hard to pray, I was able to connect to God through buying a bouquet of flowers, enjoying a nature walk, cooking, singing, or holding a baby—all tangible reminders of His love and goodness.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES

The issue needs to be talked about—in homilies, youth groups, online blogs. I also think that better marriage preparation should be given to young adults dating or engaged to be married. The accompaniment should not stop there but should continue after.

Married couples need constant support and fellowship, especially those, who did not grow up with a healthy example of marriage and are now navigating the waters of marriage and parenthood. I also think retreats for married couples, which contain one spouse from a divorced family, would be beneficial and healing for both spouses.

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My Parents' Divorce Made Me Feel Abandoned

6 minute read

The story below is from an anonymous author, written at 15 years old. Her parents’ divorced when she was 4 or 5, then again at 14. She gave permission for this story to be shared.

HER STORY

We were a pretty normal middle-class family. We attended a local Baptist church. We had just recently moved from California to Oregon to be near family. At the time, my dad was working a lot to support my family. He was working a lot of graveyard shifts and sleeping when he could. My mom was staying home and taking care of my three older brothers and me.

Within my mom’s boredom and loneliness - at least that's her excuse - while my dad was at work she would lock herself in our office and go on the computer to play this online “adult game.” She would chat with men on there and flirt with them. She also talked bad about my dad to her friends on there and online male acquaintances.

My dad eventually looked through the computer‘s search history. He found the game and what she was spending hours on. He found the messages to these men. (God, when I write this out I realize how dumb this is....) He confronted her about it and he really wanted to work it out and go to counseling. She rejected his offer and she packed her things. She left for a few months, leaving my whole family behind.

My dad was left to support us on his own. Within months, they finalized the divorce. I was with my dad most of the time and with my mom every other weekend. It is still like this to this day.

Both of them remarried. My dad married my stepmom, whom I cherish very much. She has three boys too, so they are my brothers as well.

My mom married my stepdad. I didn't really have much a relationship with him but he wasn't a bad guy. He has a son that is a year younger than me. He was my best friend. I love him very much and I always looked forward to seeing him every other weekend and chatting about life. We were very close. Yes, we had our occasional arguments just like all siblings do. If you've noticed I am talking in the past tense... My mom initiated the divorce with my stepdad because he was having trouble with alcohol. There was no physical abuse, but he would be a real jerk when drinking. That is one of the many reasons she had for the divorce.

Last December, they got divorced and we moved out into a tiny apartment. It’s just my 16-year-old brother and me because my other two brothers are in the Air Force. My mom put a restraining order against my stepdad. That means I can't talk to my younger stepbrother - I am not allowed to see him till next December and I really miss him. He was my best friend and that really sucks to not see him. He was the good that came from my dad and mom’s divorce.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

Well, at the time I was quite young and didn't really understand it. I don't remember it very well but I have a few vivid memories of the situation. But I remember being confused and thinking, "Where's Mommy?" But I am very thankful for my Dad, how he handled it and supported my brothers and me.

But with my mom and my stepdad’s divorce, I feel very resentful toward my mom because I feel like she is being really selfish about it and she doesn't care about how I miss my brother. (I don't want to use names so that's why I'm using pronouns.) Don't get me wrong, I love my mom very much, we just have a very complicated relationship. But my stepdad and mom’s divorce hit really hard since I'm older and can remember it. It’s definitely made me sad and unmotivated. Not exactly depressed but it’s hard since it happened pretty recently.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

It's really affected my friendships. It really caused some abandonment issues since my mom left us when I was younger. With my friends, I get really hurt if they have other friends, or if I have a fight or argument with them I get really scared for the future of the friendship.

Most of my friendships have failed and when they have, it took a big toll on me. To this day, I have very few friends and it’s hard for me to connect with people because of insecurities. I don't want temporary friendships. For me, it’s important to have true bonds with people.

My best friend is amazing, Godly, and a great friend but she has a very normal Christian life, so she doesn't really understand but she tries her best. And since my mom and stepdad’s divorce just happened and I am still a teen, I'm not really sure what to say because it’s still going on...

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

There is the cliché, "You are not alone." Which is very true. But one thing that has really helped me was this: We all have a story.

We all have things that happened to us in adolescence that affected us in a negative way. Some may be bigger than others. But what matters is that you can either learn from your parents’ mistakes, or you don't and instead act out upon them.

Some of the most troubled people had a trauma they experienced earlier in life. They didn't get the help they needed and they changed in a negative way rather than positive. So I guess what I'm saying is that you have the choice to choose your path in life.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

I believe that although the divorce and separation rates are very high, I don't think it should be normalized. Nowadays it’s easy to just look over the fact that someone is a child of divorce/separation. I think that they all need to be given a safe place to be heard and share their story. Because processing it on our own is not good.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

The Key to Ultimate Wholeness

8 minute read

This story was written by Raschelle at 55 years old. Her parents divorced when she was only 1 year old. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

I have no personal memory of my parent's separation and subsequent divorce. What information I do have, I have been told over the years by both parents, my older sister who was 6 years old at the time, and my grandparents.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

This is an interesting question when your parents separate and divorce before you have the ability to actually remember the specifics. I literally grew up with divorced parents being my norm even though in 1965 it was not the world's norm.

I remember recognizing and observing my family was different than others around me when I was about the age of 4 years old. However, I did not have the maturity of thought to understand exactly what this meant or to put it into context. Therefore, at times I felt afraid, not because each of my parents did not do the best they were individually able to do to offer us security and stability, but because I didn't understand all the uncertainty around me.

I learned my Dad would leave and come back by observation because I could not understand, at this age, what "I will see you in two weekends" actually meant. Young children don't have a context of time. Therefore, I gained confidence and trust observing my parents following through on commitments and through promises kept. As I aged and matured, my feelings changed.

At times I felt feelings of abandonment by my Dad; feelings of frustration because I wanted a "normal" or intact family; feelings of guilt as if my parent's felt I loved one more than the other; feelings of not being enough because I obviously wasn't enough to stop my Dad from pursuing affairs with multiple women over the course of my lifetime. (At the time of his death my Dad was married to his sixth wife.)

And yet beyond my feelings of confusion, hurt, abandonment, frustration, insignificance, among others, as I aged and matured in thought and feeling, I came to understand, believe, and feel, given the circumstances surrounding my parent's separation and subsequent divorce, my Mother made the only decision she could have made at the time to save me and my sister from a life of inconsistency, instability and lacking in security.

This understanding came through first, my faith and trust in a God, Heavenly Father, who does not abandon us, loves us completely just as we are and right where we are, even in the midst of heartache, disappointment, trauma, and great loss. I also embraced therapy while in college. I had a deep desire to unpack what I had stuffed inside my heart for so many years so I could reach a place of wholeness and healing.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

I honestly believe it impacted me most during the time just after I moved to college. I spent my childhood concerned about things children should not have to be concerned about. I would like to reiterate, this was not because my parents lacked the desire to give us the best they could, it was, I believe, more because divorce was NOT the norm at this time and there was still so little understood about its impact on children. I am confident my parents each did the best they individually knew how to do.

I say individually because they each grew up in very different environments. Yet, they each were raised in intact homes themselves. So, it wasn't until I left home to attend college, that I allowed myself to fully comprehend and begin to unpack the magnitude of my parent's divorce, our blended families on both sides, and the impact all these thoughts, feelings, and experiences, spoken and unspoken, had on my life.

It was very heavy and it was also the first time I realized this could and most likely would affect my ability to have a stable marriage and family if I did not choose to go there and unpack everything I had stuffed deep inside over my life's first 18 years.

College was a struggle for me academically. Not because I was not smart or capable of being successful in the classroom, more because of the weight of emotions I felt yet buried because to voice them might cause the ones I loved so much more pain and heartache. Things a child should never have to worry about, yet most Children of divorce do. In some ways when divorce occurs in a child's infancy, I believe a certain emotional innocence is forever lost for that child.

And I also want to be clear with this, it is often NOT the intention of the parents for this to occur, it is because of the emotional, physical, spiritual and mental immaturity of the child. Infants grow up in an environment where the opportunity to bond equally with both parents is not possible. Bonding is critical for the overall health and wellness of children. However, it doesn't mean it can not occur it still can, it will just occur differently and over time rather than being an innate part of an infant's experience.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

First, I am so sorry. My heart aches with and for you. Nothing that you feel is wrong. Your feelings are valid and real and you were created on purpose and for an incredible purpose! You are seen, you are known, you matter, and you are loved!

No one else fully determines the course of your life... you do! Your life doesn't have to follow your parent's decisions or experiences. You have the incredible opportunity to choose your own path, write your own life's story, and paint your life's own spectacular and individual picture. You did not cause your parent's separation or divorce.

The key to ultimate wholeness is forgiveness. It is not always easy and it does not necessarily happen in one moment, it is a process. Sometimes, you don't forgive for others, you forgive for the wholeness and freedom it gives you. In some situations, which was true in my experience, my Dad never felt he did anything he needed forgiveness from or ever apologized for. So there was not a big forgiveness conversation, I made a decision to do so for me. And, in doing so, I forged a deeper love for and understanding of my Dad. I also found and continue to experience joy in my life.

My mother, on the other hand, has lived much of her life feeling guilt over the effects of my parent's divorce on her children. This breaks my heart for her. I pray she can let go of her guilt. I pray she comes to the place where she believes me when I tell her I honestly wouldn't change the circumstances of my life because they brought me to where I am today, and honestly, I like who I am and I love myself in a healthy and whole manner.

God knew I needed both of my parents to be who I am today. I believe by grace, I was given the best parts of who they both were and are. It has been a process to reach this place in my life, however, I am living proof you can find, live, experience, and celebrate all the very best life has to give! It's a choice. Having the choice is also having the power to write your own story and paint your own picture!

We all have choices we must embrace them. My hope for all children of divorce is that you realize you have a voice, you deserve to be heard and listened to, your experiences, feelings, and thoughts matter.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES

1. The stigma the world places on children of divorce needs to be unveiled and changed. We are all members of this silent club none of us asked to join. We were enlisted in it by our parent's choices.

2. Teens and young adults need the tools, opportunities, and freedom to unpack the emotions, feelings, and experiences they have stuffed inside. It is not an easy journey but it is a journey worth taking as the end result is wholeness and health, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. It is not a sprint, there are no shortcuts, it is a marathon.

3. The Act and Gift of Forgiveness needs to be better explained and understood. It is a process and understanding of what this process looks like and feels like brings healing, freedom, and wholeness.

4. Help in understanding each sibling in a family will have their own unique and individual experience that may or may not be similar to one another. This is key in forging stronger bonds, and in understanding and appreciating one another's own stories. It gives validation to how each person's experiences, memories, and feelings combine together and ultimately paint the picture of your family.

5. More tools need to be available to help teens and young adults realize they don't have to live in a continued pattern of chaos and uncertainty which tends to be the norm. They can find comfort and familiarity living in a place of peace, calm, and security. These things can feel and be your norm, not just a sometimes reality.

6. Living a life of Wholeness, Health, Forgiveness, and Joy are choices we choose to embrace! They are possible even in the midst of the most heartbreaking of circumstances. We choose our outcomes no one else has the right to determine this for us!

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Abuse, Addiction, and How I've Found Healing from my Parents' Divorce

10 minute read

This story was written by Sara Meyer at 26 years old. Her parents began separating when she was 14 and eventually divorced years later. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

I grew up in a Catholic family and I thought my parents were a loving couple when I was young. But there were big problems that I didn’t know about, problems that had started before I was born. And the problems centered on my dad. My dad was always moody and I knew I couldn't count on him to be compassionate when I was sick or hurt or feeling sad, but I thought that was just how men were and I didn't expect anything else.

When I was young I thought my dad loved me and my sisters and my mom, and I was convinced that I would never have to face the heartache of being a divorced kid. But when I was fourteen, my world fell apart overnight and life became a nightmare, a nightmare that lasted over ten years. My mom and dad suddenly started fighting, and my oldest two sisters and brother-in-law were also involved.

It quickly became a whole family division. The focus of the arguments was on religion after my dad and oldest siblings left the Catholic Church but my mom and my sister closest in age stayed. But the problem was much deeper than that and after many years I realized that the base problem was that my dad was a toxic man, a narcissist and that no matter what my mom did, she would never be good enough for him.

My teen years were very hard, my dad slowly became more and more unkind and finally became very psychologically and verbally abusive and when I was 19 I saw the first of his rage episodes. I walked in on him screaming insults and horrible things at my mom and when I tried to approach him and help him see the truth of who my mom was and tried to be loving and patient with him, he shut me down roughly and refused to listen.

I had never been so hurt and angry in my life. This continued for years and many problems arose that had been hidden for a long time, dark things started to come out of my dad's past that made me realize I had never really known him. For many years my parents didn't sleep together. People blamed my mom but it was never her fault. Finally, my dad became threatening and we felt very unsafe in our home and when I was 22 he moved out and about a year later he divorced my mom

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

In my experience, my parents’ separation started many years before the divorce and it was a gradual and very painful process. There were a few times throughout the years that I dared to hope that my dad would change and become loving to my mom and that the marriage would be saved but I eventually realized that hope was futile.

He was very rejecting and cold toward her and toward me as well. He called my mom "it" and a "thing" and treated her like an object. At these times I felt very angry at him, sometimes I felt very angry at myself for reasons I couldn't even explain. I felt like it was all my fault. Sometimes I felt very afraid and sometimes very grieved but always there was a deep heartsick feeling that nothing could comfort.

On the night before my dad left, I was very scared, I felt very alone and felt like life was ending and when I watched him walk away the next day, it felt like he had cut out part of my heart and taken it with him and like I would never be whole again, and it still feels that way in some ways. Before I understood about my dad's abuse I sometimes got mad at my mom because it sounded like she was talking bad about him. But I came to realize that she was only telling me the hard truth about him because she loves me and was trying to protect me from being sucked into his lies and his abuse.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

I don't know how to trust men, I ache to be happily married and have a family of my own but it doesn't feel at all safe or possible. After my dad left and after I found out things about him that were very horrible, things he had done sometime before I was born, I felt like half of me had died, nothing made sense anymore and to escape from the intense pain, anxiety, and self-hate, I started excessively picking my skin and making myself bleed which eventually turned into an addiction to cutting.

I had never ever thought that I would fall into self-harm, but I had never thought I would be a divorced kid or have a broken family and when that happened I didn't know how to cope. I began hating myself and my addiction made it worse. I had constant nightmares, was often depressed, very anxious, and afraid of my own shadow.

I lived in a constant sense of gloom and lost many friends because they said they "couldn't handle my emotions and my depression." I began to feel like a burden to everyone and there were times that I didn't want to live. One thing that I had to do to even begin the slow process of healing was to learn the real truth about my dad which I did after finding and reading an incredible book called Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas. This book perfectly explained the type of personality my dad was and the type of abuse that we had suffered from him; psychological abuse.

It was a very hard read because it hit so hard on my heart but it was a lifesaver and I started to stand up straight and look the truth in the face after reading it. I also had to write a letter to my dad expressing all of my hurt and when he replied and denied everything he had done, I knew I had to cut ties and not have him in my life. Only when the break had been made, could I heal.

But still, I struggled for years and I attempted counseling but had a counselor in college who did not understand how to help me and ended up making me feel worse about myself. I felt like so few people understood what I was going through and no one seemed to have the ability to help me make sense of the turmoil I was going through.

Then I found an amazing woman when I saw her on the EWTN channel, Sarah Swafford. She spoke to so much of what I was going through and after a few years of listening to her talks, my dream came true and I got to meet her and through her, I found my current incredible counselor who has been helping me heal for over a year and a half now and helping me sort through over ten years of emotional pain and abuse.

Currently, I can finally say, though life is still hard and some days I feel like a failure, I am healing, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and my life is gaining a sense of peace and happiness that I have never known before. I still struggle to trust men, I still struggle with my addiction at times, I still have emotional triggers from my dad and my past in general, but I find myself laughing and smiling more often than before, my life is becoming brighter and the dark clouds leave quicker when they roll across my sky.

But there is part of my heart that will never be complete again. My dad's abuse and the divorce cut out part of me that will never come back. That is a sad fact of being a kid of divorced parents. You can and will heal, but you will never be the same again.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

Know that even when you feel like you are the only one left in the world, the only one who has the pain you have, you are NEVER alone. There are others out there who understand your pain and will lovingly help you carry your burdens and when you find those people, hold onto them tight and let them hold you up when you are drowning.

Know that those loving people are out there but that most people will not understand and when they tell you things that are hurtful, know it is not YOUR fault. Fight the urge to internalize any blame that is thrown at you and know that your parents’ divorce is NEVER your fault. If you have a story like mine and feel that one parent has been the cause of the divorce and the other is not, know that some people will hurt you deeply by insisting that both parents were at blame.

I find it very offensive and deeply hurtful when someone insists that both people in a divorce are always to blame and that if you say that only one parent was the cause of the division, they will accuse you of "taking sides." I had a member of my family tell me that I was being blind and judgemental against my dad by claiming that his toxic behavior was the cause of ruining the marriage and that my mom did nothing to destroy it. This person caused me extreme grief and horrible self-doubt by telling me that the divorce was as much my mom's fault and as much MY fault as my dad's.

Yes, all humans make mistakes and need to do everything they can to heal any hurt they caused others, but I cannot agree that every divorce is caused by both people, not every person is toxic or at fault for a broken marriage. If you feel rejected by one or both parents specifically, try to find a mom or dad figure in a dear older friend, someone who can be there for you to help fill the holes. I have a dear uncle who is a dad to me.

Also, know that you are loved by God, even when you feel no one can love you. Know that there will be a hole in the world that no one else can fill if you choose to leave it. Know that if you hang in there long enough, life will show you reasons to live. I know all this advice is very hard to follow and believe me, I have struggled with it all and still do. But I have to believe that the fight is worth it and I do. To all those hurting from the pains of divorce, I believe in you, I am sending you prayers and know you ARE worth it!

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

Kids of divorced parents NEED to be validated. They should have more books, talks, shows, and other resources to help them with the effects they suffer from the death of their parents’ marriage. More counselors need to be trained specifically on this topic. Maybe even prayer groups could be formed for teens and adults of divorced parents so they can gain in-person support.

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I Became My Mother's Counselor After the Divorce

3 minute read

This story was written by Kate Meyer at 36 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 6 years old. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My biological father was/is an alcoholic, lacked responsibility, and was emotionally and physically abusive to my mother. After a few years of trying to make her marriage work with my father, she decided it was best to separate and later divorce him. Within a couple of years, she met my stepdad and when I was eight years old she married him.

Through the years they have had their fair share of disagreements and power struggles. Two years ago (2018) my stepdad had to have a major abdominal surgery requiring several months of recovery time. Since then, he's become more angry and controlling, often yelling at my mother and seems to think she doesn’t do anything right.

This triggers my mother’s childhood memories of times when her mother was overly controlling and belittling. Sadly their marriage has disintegrated, as they barely say more than a few words to each other each day. Currently, my mom is in the process of moving to a separate residence and has regained employment.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I don't remember very much about the first years after the divorce. Growing into adolescence was challenging. When I was a little girl, I remember feeling the need to take responsibility for my mom's emotional wellbeing.

Taking ownership, I became like a counselor, listening and comforting her. Throughout my childhood and young adult years, we've depended on each other for emotional support. Over the last few years, I've come to notice how I often feel slightly despondent around her. There has also been some resentment.

Growing up, I always felt the need to be overly calm, balancing out the stress and anxiety that my parents exhibited towards each other. While being calm has served me well, it also has had its drawbacks, in limiting my more creative, light-hearted side.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

My parent’s divorce has impacted my dating life. Unfortunately, I haven't had a close relationship with my biological dad or my stepdad, basically surface level conversations and YES I jump into that counselor role sometimes by listening to their woes and concerns. . . I’m still trying to turn away from those conversations.

Overall though, when it comes to dating, I think I've longed for companionship and have often dated out of a sense of loneliness instead of dating a man that I'm deeply attracted to or experience a deep connection with.

Realizing these dynamics, I've decided to "reset" my dating ways, trusting that God will fill the void of loneliness and if He sees fit will provide a loving boyfriend when the time is right.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

I would advise going to counseling and talking out your thoughts and feelings. I never had the opportunity to go to counseling when I was young, I didn't know there was such a thing until college.

I would also encourage you to lean on your faith, asking God for strength and opportunities to learn more about His healing power. I've experienced so much healing through the years by taking advantage of retreats, prayer experiences, and learning more about myself through these kinds of processes.

Don't let opportunities pass you by!

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

This networking opportunity is great, continued outreach helps reduce isolation and helps us feel like we're not alone. Thank you so much for all your hard work!

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

All Children of Divorce Deserve a Voice

4 minute read

This story was written by Janelle Peregoy at 38 years old. Her parents separated when she was 6 years and divorced when she was 7. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

Even now, I am uncertain as to what was the final "catalyst" for what finally caused my mom to leave my dad. She had separated from him a couple of different times in their 14-year marriage.

My father's emotional maturity/intimacy is, in my opinion, deeply stunted. He has always equated his role in marriage and/or parenting with monetary value. As long as he was paying bills, he was doing his "job" well.

The most telling story is that my dad nearly missed my brother's birth because he was at a Stanford football game and hadn't wanted to change his plans. My mom later confided in me that she was already functioning as a single parent in the relationship; why not make it official?

My mom, brother, and I moved in with my maternal grandparents after my parents separated. We were so fortunate to have them and they really provided a sense of stability for all of us.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I don't have a lot of memory of the first years after the divorce. Growing into adolescence was challenging; I share a lot of mannerisms and patterns of speech with my mom.

My dad focused a lot of anger towards me, whom he perceived to be my mom's representative. My relationship with my dad is better as an adult, but all the anger and negativity toward my mom and I during those years didn't accomplish "turning us to his side." It had the opposite effect of just alienating us from him for a long time. I certainly understood why my mom felt she had to leave the marriage.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

When I consider my parents’ divorce, a lot of the longer-term impact involved my dating life. Even though I wanted to date, part of me was so terrified of getting into a relationship similar to my parents' marriage.

I mostly avoided the romantic realm until my 20's. Later, I got into a relationship with a guy who had a series of traumas and mental health concerns. I liked him because he was seemingly the opposite of my dad: very emotionally available.

I reverted to a caretaker role, not unlike the one that many children of divorce feel forced into during their childhood. Thankfully, I was able to see the inequities in that relationship and end it. My husband and I have been married six years; he's truly my guiding light.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

Easier said than done, but it is critical for children of divorce to learn how to self-advocate. For a 7-year-old, this may look like having the courage for both parents to attend his/her birthday party without fighting. For a teen or young adult, that may be the insistence on not having to attend multiple Christmases at each of your parents' families.

Everything in one's parents' divorce is being "done to" the child, teenager, or young adult. All children of divorce deserve to regain their voices.

All divorcing parents need to take a back seat and learn how to listen to how their decision affects their children's lives.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

Going along with what I said above, all young adults and teens need to have access to counselors, teachers, coaches, or trusted adults outside their parents, who can successfully model that self-advocacy.

Teens and young adults need to lean into their friends! This may initially sound obvious but our society doesn't give enough credence to the power of friendships to shape our attitudes and capacity for resilience. We all need spaces where we can be vulnerable and laugh at ourselves. For a child of divorce, that safe space may not be family and therefore they should be finding that safe space in the relationships where it is possible.

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Something Has Been Taken From Me

4 minute read

The story below is from Marissa, written at 29 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 20 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

I grew up in a home where I never really saw my parents express love to each other. There was a lot of fighting and hiding things from each other but I still never thought my parents would divorce.

When I was a freshman in college my mom called to tell me that my dad moved out. The whole process was kept quiet from me and my brothers. We never even were told the day they actually got divorced.

I did not think it affected me. I thought it was better. Both of my parents seemed happier. I went down a path of self destruction in college. For two years I spent almost every night intoxicated in some way. I was very promiscuous and detached any intimacy or real love from my friendships and relationships. So many wounds in my sexuality were caused then.

I went to confession one day after spending less time with my “friends” and more time with a virtuous friend who respected me - he’s now my husband. In confession, the priest told me I am behaving as though I feel something has been taken from me. He did not know my parents were divorced. The phrase “taken from me” resonated on every level.

I spent time in confession over the next year, I went to a theology of the body camp, I started dating my husband and finding authentic relationships. I started a deep prayer life of healing with our Lord.

We are married for 4 years and have two little girls. Only through God’s grace is my sexuality redeemed and my relationship with my mom and dad strengthened.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I realized after two years that I felt that something had been taken from me.

I felt that my dad was taken from me when he started seriously dating his new wife.

I felt that my mom had taken information and closure on the divorce from me by not telling me the details.

I felt that my childhood was taken from me because all of our family traditions did not exist anymore.

I felt that my faith had been taken in many ways because my family growing up helped shape my faith and now my family was not the same.

I finally had to realize that God had so much more to give me than anything that had been taken from me.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

It’s affected my ability to trust and receive intimacy (emotional and physical). I did not work through the divorce during it happening, so I was wounded in many ways but primarily in my sexuality. So much of my healing has been in restoring my femininity and receptivity.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

Don’t be afraid to ask your parents questions. If you have siblings, don’t be afraid to ask them how they are doing.

It’s okay to use the word “divorce” when talking to your family. You can still be a family by listening to one another.

Make sure to surround yourself with virtuous people and seek out authentic relationships. Hang out with people that you admire.

• Speak to God the Father. Listen to him call you his child.

• Hold the hand of Our Mother and don’t let it go.

• Pray for healing.

• Read about Theology of the Body.

• Tell your Mom and Dad that you still need to be their child.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

More content that uses the word "divorce.” Easier and more mainstream resources that talk about relationships and divorce.

Youth ministry resources sent to diocese and parishes. Partnerships with big conferences to host breakout sessions on the topic.

A family home ministry where young adults are invited to a married family’s home to share a meal, pray, hang out, and just be in relationship with a virtuous married family. Give them the encounter of a holy, loving, authentic relationship.

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Why Wasn't I Able to Have a Normal Family?

2 minute read

This story was written by an anonymous author at 24 years old. His parents divorced when he was 2 years old. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

HIS STORY

They divorced when I was two. This of course hurt, but the pain was intensified by my father divorcing my stepmother after I got to know her for 7+ years.

Then, my mother separated from a boyfriend she had been with for over ten years who I had become very familiar with, enough to call my stepfather.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL

At first sad. I couldn't understand why I wasn't able to have a normal family. The separations after that are when I really started to self-destruct and develop some seriously toxic behaviors.

HOW HIS PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HIM

It has caused me to have an absolute terror of intimacy with both friendships and especially anything romantic. I distrust most people and tend to believe everyone has a secret intention to manipulate me or hurt me in some way.

I have grown up with an extreme sense of emotional loneliness due to me not allowing anyone to know anything about me. I based most of my life until right now, at the age of 24, on doing anything I could to make my father happy. He's the one that physically moved somewhere else after the divorce, even though I saw him every weekend almost during my childhood.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

• Don't ever allow someone to tell you that it's normal for a family to separate

• Avoid shoving feelings aside

• Seek counseling

• Tell your parents how it makes you feel

• Don't be scared to tell friends how you feel

• Don't attempt to give a positive light to the divorce

It will blow up eventually, whether in a few days or ten years. You'll have to deal with it sometime, and I think it would have been easier for me had I not tried to rationalize the divorce.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

Counseling services. To be clear, I don't mean prescribed medication for depression, but rather a specialized counselor who can help a person deal with all the pain that comes from your parents divorcing and broken families.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

Seeing My Family Fall Apart Was a Very Real Loss

5 minute read

The story below is from Erin, written at 25 years old. Her parents separated when she was 16 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

For as long as I can remember, my parents had a pretty rocky marriage. My mom has Multiple Sclerosis, which made things more difficult as well. They fought frequently and some of the fights were pretty bad.

During the fall of my junior year of high school, a couple of months after my sister left for college, they had a bad fight, which ended when my mom told my dad to get out. He moved in with his brother for a few weeks and then moved into an apartment. Their legal separation began a few months after that.

HOW THE SEPARATION MADE HER FEEL

Their separation made me feel confused, guilty, and very lonely. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was also grieving - having my intact family fall apart was a very real loss.

During some of their particularly bad fights, I would sometimes wish they would split up because those fights were extremely scary and terrible to hear and see. After they actually did split up, I felt so guilty for wishing that, because the separation is even worse.

I was confused because I was upset that they separated, yet very few adults in my life checked to see how I was doing and some that did acted like it was normal. My guess is they were trying to downplay it to make me feel better, but it just made me wonder if there was something wrong with me that I was feeling so much about it. That also played into the loneliness I felt.

My parents, while they did their best to check on me, were dealing with their own issues and emotions, and my sister was away at college, so I felt very lonely, especially since all of my closest friends' parents were still married. I felt that, because everyone was treating it as such a normal thing, I had to pretend everything was normal and fine, so I buried those feelings.

I also felt that I had to take care of my parents and keep them happy because they were suffering, so I buried my feelings further so I could be there for them.

I started to struggle with depression, but felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about it, so that continued to get worse, until my grandma passed away during my senior year. The grief I felt from losing my grandma caused all the emotions I had suppressed to come to the surface.

My depression worsened to the point of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Luckily, one of my friends and a couple of my teachers noticed and encouraged me to go talk to someone. I was able to begin talking through all the grief and emotion I was feeling.

HOW HER PARENTS' SEPARATION HAS IMPACTED HER

Even though it's been almost 10 years since my parents separated, I do sometimes feel the effects of it.

I still have some trouble standing up for myself and saying no because I feel like I need to make people happy so they won't stop loving me or leave me. I know that my parents love me and didn't leave me when they separated, but it's hard to trust that people won't leave you when you've seen it happen with your parents.

I've had trouble in relationships because I don't trust that a guy will stay if I make a mistake or we disagree about something.

I still struggle sometimes with feelings of guilt, especially around the holidays when I know one parent will be alone.

The other thing I've noticed is that I hear some women talk about how they are a daughter of God and how wonderful it is to know that part of their identity. I struggle with that. I spent so much time, even before the separation, trying to take care of my parents and taking on more of an adult role that I don't know how to understand that part of my identity.

However, I can say that, through the grace of God and with counseling and prayer, I am no longer depressed and am starting to heal some of these wounds. So know that there is hope!

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

My biggest advice would be to take the time and space you need to grieve. Find a counselor, a spiritual director, and some friends you can talk to about how you are feeling.

Take the time to sit and write down your story. It wasn't until I wrote my answers for the Primal Loss book that I realized how much my parents' separation impacted me. It really shows you a lot of the feelings and fears you've been avoiding.

Most of all, take what you are feeling to the Jesus. I spent a lot of time in chapels and in Adoration, letting myself cry and giving it all to Him. That's been a huge part of my healing.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

I think the pain and grief of teens and young adults needs to be acknowledged. When someone's parents split up, counselors and other support options should be made available. Most churches have support groups and programs for separated or divorced couples, but I don't know of any churches that have anything for the children, young or grown.

I would also like to see secular support groups (similar to AA or grief groups) for children of divorce.

I'd just like for the assumption that "children are resilient" to stop. Yes, children are resilient, but only to a certain extent. We still need support and healing and not to be brushed aside just because divorce is so common.

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I Am So Lost and Hurt

2 minute read

The story below is from an anonymous author, written at 19 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

Because I was so young I didn’t and still don’t know the main cause of my parents’ divorce other than the fact that they “didn’t get along anymore.”

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

Awful, broken, unwanted, afraid, stressed, and angry.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

My stepmother has emotionally abused me throughout the past 10 years that she and my dad have been together. She takes advantage of my dad, makes him chose her over me and my little brother ever since I can remember.

She drove me and my brother out of our own dad’s life and spoils our stepbrother endlessly. Ever since I can remember she has gone out of her way to push me down and make me feel like me and my brother are dirt.

I’m in college and dread coming home but still want to see my mom and dad. But every time I come home my stepmom does something that triggers all the other awful things she’s done to me and I break into a million pieces. I also realized over Christmas that she is a functioning alcoholic which plays into why she would freak out on me.

My dad has more money than my mom and is paying for my college so I am stuck having to be involved with them. My dad also holds a big name in our town and if I speak out about it, I will ruin the picture-perfect family they try to portray...

I am so lost and hurt I feel I will never be okay. There’s so much more I could say about how this has hurt and impacted my life.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

Obligated therapy for the kids with the parents. A bigger platform for kids of divorce to feel like they aren’t alone...

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Watching Your Family Die

The story below is from an anonymous author, written at 21 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

I don’t know exactly why my parents chose to separate and pursue divorce. They have never seemed to get along super well, but as a child, I failed to realize the depth of the issues that were going on.

My mom planned to be with another man years before I was born, but somehow changed her mind. After I was born, she packed my brother and me in the car and threatened to leave my dad unless he did what she wanted. This happened on several occasions.

My parents never slept in the same room when I was growing up. I can remember telling them they should go to dinner together when I was younger, but they would almost always decline, saying that they didn’t want to leave me and my brother alone (my brother is two-and-a-half years older than me). When they did spend time together, they would return from their outing irritable. My mother would go to her room and my dad would go into his office and work (he worked from home).

Their fighting used to make me upset and insecure as a kid, but when they converted to Catholicism, I thought they would be together forever since the Church does not support divorce. I failed to realize the difference between divorce and separation, however.

I also failed to fully realize that my parents were human and therefore not perfect. More recently, family issues have escalated. These have resulted in my dad pursuing legal separation or divorce – whichever is cheaper.

My brother recently overheard a phone conversation my mom had in which she expressed plans to be intimate with the man on the phone, but said she couldn’t because she already made plans to be intimate with a different man (and it’s not my dad). I am sure this has not helped her relationship with my dad.

My parents are still separated, but have not actually moved apart yet. They live separated under the same roof. Yes, it is as miserable as it sounds.

HOW THE SEPARATION MADE HER FEEL

When my mom told me she and my dad were separated, I can’t even describe how horrible I felt. It was like my world was falling apart in a thousand ways, like my image of family being forever was a lie, like even my faith was somehow flawed. After all, they were Catholic! Separation led to divorce, and divorce wasn’t a thing.

I wondered how God could have let this happen, and I wondered what was going to happen to me. I was looking at colleges at the time and had planned to go to school close to home so that I could commute. Where would I be living now? Would I have to go back and forth between my mom and dad? Or was I old enough to decide for myself? I had a horrible knot in my stomach that has never really left.

I remember how I felt when I went to bed that evening. My world was shattered and my heart was broken, but maybe it was just a bad dream. When I woke up the next morning, the memories of the previous evening washed over me. I felt hopeless, miserable, abandoned by God, and terribly alone, like someone had removed me from my home and left me in the middle of nowhere with no supplies and only the assurance that I would figure it out. I remember the feeling so acutely because every morning since then I have felt that way to some degree.

HOW HER PARENTS' SEPARATION HAS IMPACTED HER

My parents’ separation has impacted me in a multitude of ways, some of which I am still working to identify.

I blamed and still blame myself for the separation, largely because I was told it was my fault. This has led me to struggle with really disliking myself.

I don’t trust people and I don’t trust God. After all, if my own parents couldn’t be trusted, how can I trust other people? And if parents are spiteful, how do I know that God the Father isn’t more of a Zeus-like god, striking me with a spiritual lightning bolt when I step out of line?

I struggle in all of my relationships because of my lack of trust, and I can’t even imagine being in a romantic relationship. Marriage seems to frequently end in misery, and even though I know this is not true all the time, I still struggle with feeling that it is not worth it.

Parents (or at least my parents) comfort themselves with the thought that their kids are resilient and will be just fine, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that our worlds are destroyed by the dissolution of our parents’ marriage.

I struggle on a nearly daily basis with suicidal thoughts, and though I have never attempted it, I have come very close. Sometimes, the family tensions are so enormous that the only means I have of dealing with them is cutting. It is a terrible coping skill that I would not recommend to anyone. Please, if you are reading this and thinking of using self-harm as a coping skill, do not do it!

Family problems are intense, horrible, destructive, and can make you feel utterly miserable. Talk to someone. Go for a walk or a run. Listen to music. Pray. You are strong and you will get through this. Don’t give in and don’t give up.

Despite the negative changes, my parents’ separation has also changed me in positive ways.

I am far more independent now. I am closer to my extended family than I was before (I have lived with all of my local extended family at some point since the separation). I can empathize with people who are struggling because of their parents’ divorce/separation. Almost all of my friends at college come from broken families, so the benefits of being able to empathize should not be overlooked.

Even though I struggle with my faith more now, I also think I am closer to it. My self-harm habit has put me in the confessional a ridiculous number of times (I have most definitely found myself saying, “forgive me Father for I have sinned, it’s been a day-and-a-half since my last confession”), but this has also allowed me to encounter the love and mercy of Christ. No matter how many times I fall, He is there to forgive me and pull me back on my feet.

My parents’ separation has led me to view life differently, to realize that even seemingly perfect families have their demons, and to understand just how difficult parenthood and family life are.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

It is so hard to give advice for this situation.

I guess I would start first with this: God loves you. I know it sounds cheesy and unhelpful, but it’s true. Nothing can separate you from the love of God. Your parents might not seem to care about you while they wage war against each other; God cares. Maybe one of your parents is leaving you; God will never leave you. Draw close to Him. Tell Him how you feel. If you can’t trust anyone else, trust Him.

I love the song “Stars” by Skillet because it talks about everything God created, how He holds the stars in place, how He tells the oceans how to form, and how despite all of these majestic things He created, He also holds and knows your heart and calls you by name. You are just as majestic as the heavens and the seas to Him.

Second: it’s not your fault. Maybe your parents told you it’s your fault, so you blame yourself. Maybe they didn’t, but you think that if you just hadn’t acted out that one time (or all those times). Or if you had done what your mom or dad told you to do the first time. Or if you had done your chores. Or if you had been a perfect son/daughter. Then your parents wouldn’t have split. It doesn’t matter. Your parents made a vow to each other and to God, and they were to stay true to those vows, no matter what happened. Nothing you have done can change that.

Third: reach out to someone. Maybe you are comfortable talking to someone you know well, or maybe you are afraid of what a friend might think and you would rather talk to someone you don’t know well. Maybe you want to talk to a counselor. Whoever it is, just PLEASE reach out.

The thoughts and feelings that stem from your parents’ marriage dissolving are powerful, overwhelming, and too much to keep locked in your own head. I know it hurts. I know you don’t want to talk about it. But you will most likely find that talking will help. It helps even more to talk to someone who experienced divorce and/or separation as a kid themselves.

Fourth: it’s okay to not be okay. I think people try to console children of divorce/separation with comments like “at least there isn’t abuse,” “at least you know your parents love you,” “there won’t be as much fighting now,” or “it will get better.” Even worse, you might have been told that you need to get over it, that it has been long enough that you should be over it, or that your parents weren’t happily married and so the destruction of their marriage was necessary since everyone deserves to be happy.

When I found out my mom was cheating on my dad, two people told me “I know you are upset, but your mom is cheating on your dad, not on you.” Though well-intentioned, that comment did not help at all. When a loved one passes away, it is expected for you to mourn. Why shouldn’t it be the same when you are watching your family die? Your world is being shaken. You are the physical manifestation of your parents’ vocation and love for one another. It is understandable that you feel upset, broken, and just not okay.

Fifth and lastly: try to be gentle with your parents. I know they are the source of your pain. I know they are difficult. I know they try to make you choose sides, and then get upset when/if you do. I know they act more like a child than you. I know that the parent-child role is reversed and you feel like it is your job to be the parent to your squabbling, toddler-like parents.

My grandmother called me one day and asked me to physically check on my mother, or to have my dad do it, as she was worried my mother was a risk to herself. My dad thought it wasn’t serious, so I had to drive over to my parents’ place (as I mentioned previously, they were and are separated, but living in the same house). She was fine and very condescending about my concern for her.

It is hard in these moments to gentle, kind, and merciful to our parents when we really just want to throw things and scream. But we are called to honor our parents (when they are acting reasonable) and to love and forgive always.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

I don't know what specifically needs to be done, but teens and young adults from divorced and separated families need to know that someone cares about them. There are so many support groups out there for spouses who are divorcing/separating, but almost nothing for the kids. These teens and young adults need support too. I am not sure what form that support needs to take, however.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Just Want to Feel Healed

The story below is from an anonymous author, written at 25 years old. He gave permission for this story to be told.

HIS STORY

My parents were always arguing when I was younger and I think my dad had another woman. He moved to a different city and then my mum followed. Mum has Alzheimer's now so I don't know her version of events but my dad said they became just like friends which I take to mean he was unhappy with their sex life.

I used to blame my dad for everything but now I realise there were two adults involved. Mum could be extremely stubborn and just did things her way. Dad is very unstable and mentally ill.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL

For years I suppressed it especially as my dad had two further divorces and my mum got dementia when I was 16. It was normal at school, even though it was Catholic, and nobody cared. All people care about is the adults having 'freedom of choice'. I feel sad, lonely and disparate, like I have two irreconcilable sides to my personality. I just want to feel healed but I am carrying around all of these wounds and scars.

I really liked where we were originally and my whole life was totally uprooted because of my parents' inability to love one another. Looking back now I feel like they failed me and can't help but feel that if they loved me more then they would've stayed together. Why weren't me and my siblings good enough?

HOW HIS PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HIM

From 17-24 I slept around, did drugs, drank, smoked and treated women like sexual objects. My dad was a womanizer so I just followed suit. I hated God and was angry. I had this constant feeling of melancholia and I never understood why. I suppressed it and told myself I was stupid and a baby. I hated myself and still do sometimes.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

Don't let people tell you to be grateful that you have two sets of Christmas presents or that it's “normal.” Don't listen to the lies. Allow yourself to be sad because you need healing. Reject the culture around divorce. Lies everywhere we look. Finally, don't blame yourself even though that's the easy thing to do.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

The Catholic Church needs to be more proactive about it and stop focusing their attention on trying to give communion to the divorced and remarried. There ought to be greater understanding about the hurt it causes and how we can overcome it. It's such an overwhelming problem I think the Church is scared to tackle it head on through fear it will offend people and drive them away but the children come first.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Felt Incredibly Betrayed

The story below is from Ashlyn, written at 26 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

I was 24 when my parents finally divorced after years of infidelity, countless arguments that ended yelling at each other long into the night, and many other lies and wounds. I grew up in a large Christian family. We always attended church together and my family was the "staple" Christian family at said church gatherings. But as long as I can remember my parents argued. My parents were angry with each other and there was a lot of dishonesty in their relationship and eventually, it led to their divorce.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

The divorce was incredibly difficult at first, and still is at times. I was a young adult already on my own when it happened, but I had an unshakable feeling of shame and embarrassment of my family. I often questioned myself and would ask questions like; "Am I like my parents? Am I a product of a broken divorced family? Am I guilty for this?" I felt incredibly betrayed by God, my parents, and even other family members. I was always taught that marriage is forever and that you do not break the vows you made at the altar, so when I saw my parents doing this it almost destroyed everything I ever understood or knew about marriage and family.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

My parents’ divorce has impacted me as an adult substantially because I still have young siblings at home. I often felt like I had to step up and keep the peace between my parents for the sake of my younger siblings. I felt like I had to take care of them which caused me to ignore my own feelings and my own experience of the divorce for a long time. I also have shame and embarrassment when I talk about my parents’ divorce because I am Catholic and Catholics aren't supposed to get divorced.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCEd OR SEPARATED

Develop your relationship with Jesus and allow yourself to experience all the feelings that come with the situation.

Additionally, I would encourage you to set boundaries with your parents. I often found myself in the middle of my parent's arguments growing up which caused a great deal of confusion and harm to me. When I finally told my parents I was not going to participate or talk poorly about the other parent I found a lot of freedom and was able to move on the way I needed to.

Seek counseling and spiritual direction.

Do not allow your parents’ divorce cloud your view of marriage and family.

Share your story honestly. When I finally started sharing my story with others I realized I was not alone and that my story was not shameful or my fault. That is when I started to receive the most healing.

Take care of yourself. You have the freedom to change your situation. I am in the process of trying to change mine by moving out of the state where my parents reside. I have realized that I am not responsible for my parents and that it is not my duty to keep the family together.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

Better counseling and better services within the Catholic Church. Many of us feel shame because the Catholic Church doesn't do a good job of providing ministries or support groups. It is not discussed in a manner that is helpful.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.