I Knew That Not One Bit Of It Was My Fault
5 minute read.
This story was written by Autumn M. at 24 years old. Her parents divorced before she was 14. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
HER STORY
My father started his first of three affairs when my younger brother was a baby. He would put on his bedazzled jeans, whiten his teeth, and go out on "business meetings" Thursday nights with his secretary. Later, he would spend a large portion of his weekends anywhere but home, usually playing this sport or doing a bike ride, all the while meeting (and doing other things besides) with a fellow married triathlete woman.
My mother and father both came from broken families. My father's father was an adulterer himself, even leaving the family for a few years to sow his wild oats. While he eventually came back to the family, I'm sure it was painful for my dad, especially because his mother had "spouse-ified" him due to his emotional tenderness. My father's mother had her father walk out on her shortly after she graduated high school. This pain and suffering led to my grandmother falling into a borderline Christian cult just so some things seemed more certain in her life.
As for my mother, her father was a sexual abuser and her mother did not prevent it. In fact, her mom was in some ways the worse abuser of the two, at least physically and emotionally. My mom's mom had an alcoholic and sexually abusive father. Not surprisingly, her parents' marriage ended in divorce. The vow she made to herself was "I will never get divorced." Then, because of her husband's proclivities, she had to do just that.
My parents told me that Dad was leaving the house when I was 14. I was the only one of my siblings who really understood all of the ramifications – in fact, I had known this was coming. Kids see a lot more than their parents think they do. The music my mom was listening to and the sleeping in separate bedrooms did not go unnoticed by me.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL
The rupture was awful. After going back and forth on weekends for a few weeks, I chose my mother, forever. I was old enough to just barely escape the court system's clutches and I never went back to my father's house. My mom quickly became destitute because of the monetary costs of divorce, but she still always paid for my dance classes.
Meanwhile, I had just started high school. During that year, I quickly got sick and developed an immune condition I am still dealing with today. My mother friend-ified me; I unwittingly became her close confidant as she wept and wept over her rage at my father. I knew what my father did was heinous, but it hurt to hear her treat him this way even so.
My brothers continued going back and forth. I wrestled with knowing that I could not protect them from the women my dad would introduce them to. I struggled with the feeling that I was the only one who could stand up to my dad's BS, and I wasn't there. But I knew that if I was there, I would be one step closer to suicide. And I had to stay alive for my brothers. Only recently has my younger brother understood my choice. My older brother still does not.
I felt anxious, betrayed, angry at God, angry at my mom, and angry at my dad. Angry at the world. Unlike other children of divorce, I knew that not one bit of it was my fault. And that made me angrier. It made me angry that my mom treated me as her therapist and if I protested her emotional trauma-dumping, she would say that it made me a bad daughter. I was mad we were poor, I was doubly mad that my dad made off way better in the divorce, despite the myth that the system favors the wife. I couldn't trust, I couldn't believe God loved me. If He had, why did He let this happen to me, I would think.
HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER
Aside from developing depression and two other physical conditions, the divorce sent my faith (what little of it there was) into a death spiral. I became a nervous, sad, unvulnerable person. I struggled with receiving any sort of love and affection. I was hopelessly addicted to pornography, and as a woman, the shame the sin carried was even greater.
The first boyfriend I had had many of the neuroses of my father. Freud would have been proud. Anytime we had a fight, I would think that the relationship was over, a feeling I still struggle with today. I was a walking doormat, a people pleaser, and I could not voice when his behavior made me uncomfortable. Thankfully, through the grace of God and through wonderful friends and mentors, I found God, dumped the boyfriend, and began my healing process that I am still on today. Soon, I would like to meet my father again and forgive him in person.
ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
When your mom or dad speaks negatively about the other parent, just know that they are speaking out of hurt. They still love you and love the parts of you that are your father's or mother's. They were in love when you were made.
Second, please do not try to hide your pain or struggles so that Mom or Dad will be okay. You have needs and your parents' divorce does not mean that you put them on the back burner.
WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?
I think everyone from a broken family should be given conflict resolution tools. We all struggle with feeling that we are unlovable, so any argument feels like "the other person hates me." This is not true, but we could all use some communication tools to be better able to communicate our feelings in heated moments like these.
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