The Mentor Who Became the Father I Never Had | Brandon Allaman | 160
What if the person you need the most in your life is a mentor who finally shows you the love and guidance you never got at home?
Most people think mentors are just for career advice. But if you’re from a broken family, a mentor can help you transform your story. Without that kind of guidance, we stay stuck: angry, lost, or chasing love in all the wrong places. But with the right mentor, healing becomes possible.
In this episode, we dive into the power of mentorship: why it’s essential if you grew up without one or both parents, how to find the right mentor, and how those relationships can heal what was broken.
If you’ve ever wished someone older and wiser could show you the way, or wondered how to stop repeating your family’s dysfunction, this episode is for you.
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
Joey Pontarelli (00:26)
Welcome to the Restored Podcast. I'm Joey Pantarelli. If you come from a divorced or dysfunctional family, this show is for you. We mentor you through the pain and help you heal so you can avoid repeating your family's dysfunction and instead build strong, healthy relationships. When your parents divorce, you almost always miss out on the mentorship and guidance that your parents were meant to give you, meant to give their children about life, relationships, and so much more.
Without that guidance, you feel lost, you feel alone, you feel stuck, unsure what to do about it all. But that's where a mentor can be incredibly helpful and even healing. In this episode, we dive into the power of mentorship, why it's essential if you grew up without one or both parents, how to find the right mentor, and how those relationships can actually heal what's broken inside of you. My guest today is Brandon Alleman. He's the founder of LiveInYou. He shares how mentorship has transformed his life and how can help you too.
Now if you've ever wished that someone older or wiser could show you the way or maybe wondered how to avoid repeating your family's dysfunction, this episode is for you. In this episode we do talk about God and faith and if you don't believe in God you're totally welcome here. Anyone listening to this podcast for a while knows that this is not a strictly religious podcast. So wherever you're at, I'm glad you're here. If you don't believe in God, my challenge for you is this, just listen with an open mind. Even if you were to skip or take out the God part, you're still gonna benefit a lot from this episode. And with that, here's our conversation.
Brandon, good to have you man. It's been a while and I've wanted you on here so it's great to finally do this.
Brandon Allaman (01:55)
It's awesome, Joey. Great to see you again.
Joey Pontarelli (01:57)
Diving right in, I know that you grew up without your parents. What happened and when did you first realize that your family, your upbringing wasn't like other people's?
Brandon Allaman (02:07)
What happened was, my mom was in high school, my dad, I mean, he was in high school too, kinda, you know, at a party, met at a party, they weren't dating. And my mom, like, know, grandparents are Catholic, my mom was Catholic, I she went through, like, while pregnant with me. So they didn't, like, abort me. And, of course, because they're Catholic faith. And, you know, my dad, like, went off, did his own thing, and my mom, after high school, couldn't really raise me.
So I grew up with my grandparents. you know, they kind of made it normal for me, but they are my grandparents. And I don't think I really realized like until like high school, but I would brush it under the rug, right? Like I didn't really let it affect me, even though it was affecting me. I think it affected me from a young child, but I just didn't know what the problem was. And that was like not having my dad in my life.
He would only come around like once a year. I think I first met him in like sixth grade. And then my mom would have me like on the weekends and I would see her occasionally other than those weekends I had with her. It really didn't hit me until like I was 21, I would say, and started doing like missionary work and stuff like that. I found out the root cause of the behavior issues, the struggles that I had in high school and middle school.
So yeah.
Joey Pontarelli (03:36)
Yeah, yeah. And when you were 21, you mentioned it hit you. Was there a particular moment you can remember where you're like, dang, this is a lot?
Brandon Allaman (03:43)
And before like doing talks and stuff, one of my mentors sat me down and he's like, hey, how's your mom and dad? And I told him and he's like, I'm sorry. And I'm like, it's no big deal. But deep down inside, I realized like it was a big deal. And then when we did talks and retreats, like I saw other kids who came from divorced, broken families, and they showed like all these emotions. And I'm like, man, like I was just like them in high school.
I showed my emotions in different ways, other ways than like crying or being sad. So that's when I had the realization. And then seeing other missionaries who had like their parents in their life. And I was like, man, I'm just sitting on my bed scrolling through Instagram while they're talking to their families. And I'm like missing out on that. So I guess that's when I really realized like that struggle was a struggle. It wasn't.
Like I said, it wasn't a big deal, but it really was a
Joey Pontarelli (04:43)
Yeah, no, I hear you there man and that that image of you kind of sitting on the bed scrolling while they're talking to the family is it's like visceral That's wow. Yeah, man. You mentioned struggling in different ways You mentioned a few of them if you would yeah go into that a little bit more like how did you struggle? You know as a result of your
Brandon Allaman (05:00)
Yeah, I'd say like super angry, you know, just hurt people with my words Just yell pick on my siblings whenever I would see them I have four siblings three other from my mom and then one other from my dad and they live with like my mom like the half siblings on my mom's side live with my mom my brother from my other dad's relationship live with his mom
I didn't really get a chance to see him much, but the other siblings, I would pick on them whenever I'd see them, beat them up, all that stuff. And then in high school, using girls, drinking, drugs, smoking weed. just, I guess to numb the pain and then doing stuff, like going to youth group, football, masking my pain, masking that wound with doing more and more.
normal things, but it was just to feel loved, you know. So, so those are some good things I did, some really bad things, but it was all stemming from not a healed place.
Joey Pontarelli (06:09)
Man, you went through a lot and one of the things you made me think of is how a psychologist talk about type A and type B trauma. Type B trauma is bad events, things that you typically think of with trauma like your house burns down, you're abused, you're in a car accident, go to war, something like that. Type A trauma is the absence of good things that you should have had, the loving, supportive, stable family that you should have had. And so both of those are just as real.
They're just as hard and they impact us in so many ways. So it seems like that was like, even though you went through type B trauma, I'm sure, the type A trauma seems very prevalent in your life. I'm curious, you talk about generational sin. I honestly don't know a ton about that. And so I'm curious if you'd teach me like, what is generational sin? And was there a moment when maybe you realized like, if I don't heal, if I don't grow, I'm just gonna repeat the brokenness that I grew up with?
Brandon Allaman (06:58)
Generational sin, mean, you can kind of read about it in scripture, but I've read some books, it's called Healing the Family Tree, and that was just really eye-opening, ⁓ especially learning about that, the stories of people who had, they did something in their past and how it affected their future, and until they got healing, their future, I'll share an example, this woman, she had an abortion.
And then a couple years later, she had a kid and the kid was having like a lot of learning problems, like severe depression, all this mental stuff. And she went to a priest, went to a counselor who talked about healing the family tree and they had like a funeral for the baby and gave the baby a name, the one that she aborted. And when that happened, the child that she had was completely healed.
So there's like extremes like for healing the family tree like that. But where I get it from is like, you know, they talk about it, how King David had struggles, right? You know, he fell into temptation, but he still loved God. But Solomon didn't really heal the generational sin of lust, right? So he ended up having all these wives and didn't learn from his father's past sins.
And that's where I see generational sin with me is like, example is like alcoholism. It runs in my family and it's like, you I don't want to be an alcohol. I don't want to have that addiction. But I really like saw it with my dad. My dad, you know, was a womanizer. He used girls and now he's like, he's in jail actually. He got sentenced in Texas for 20 years. He's now getting sentenced in Massachusetts for like
40 years at least and it was sexual assault. You know, I've forgiven my dad, like that's a whole story that there's so much to that. But I'm like, you know, if I don't let go of this anger, if I don't let go of this, like my hate towards my dad, I'm just gonna create that, keep on going with that generational sin. I'm still gonna, like that hate is gonna make me be just like him. And I was seeing myself, like especially in high school,
using girls, not just like sexually, but emotionally, like, you know, manipulation and in physical, but it's like, man, I'm just like my dad, you know, I'm doing the same stuff that he did. I'm talking the same way he talked. And I learned like my grandfather like did stuff like, so it's like a cycle of abuse of her. And it's like, no, I have to break that. I have to create a new generation.
right, legacy of greatness. So that's really like where generation where I really dove deep into generational sin was and learning about it is because of my dad and that side of the family. Like my mom's side, like, you know, struggled with alcohol, but he's like broken that. So it's like, I don't even want to get to that, like being addicted to, you know, alcohol and those struggles. But my mom's dad like struggled with that.
And his dad struggled with it, but he never conquered it. So me, like my grandpa broke that legacy, that generational sin, but my goal is to not even have that and then teach my son because, you know, hopefully I have kids, you know, I desire to have kids and I'm not going to shy away and be like, yo, you know, grandpa was, you know, perfect. I mean, like he struggled with alcohol that runs in our family.
So just be careful. Like, you know, I don't drink a lot and you might have that desire and it comes from past generations. And that's scripture. It takes like seven generations to break a generational like curse or sin. It's not just like, you did it. Your son's going to do it. No, it's it's in that gene pool. So there's a lot more to it. It's like I love talking about it. Yeah, I need to dive more into it, but.
Healing the Family Tree was such a good book. It opened my eyes on a lot on this subject.
Joey Pontarelli (11:27)
Cool, no, it's good to hear. No, it's such a fascinating topic and something that again, I've heard loosely about, maybe read a little bit about, but I don't know much about it. So it's interesting to hear and to anyone listening who maybe is like skeptical or who's maybe not used to this God talk. One other way to think of it is kind of like you said, there's, you know, if you look at families, take religion, take God out of it, you kind of see these patterns of just like bad behavior, bad habits, things that hurt people. And you notice that it just kind of continues on down the line.
And sometimes we don't have that insight into like our grandparents generation or the great-grandparents generation But if you do I've dug into some of that stuff, too You start to realize like wow, it's really broken and there's some this kind of odd consistency From one generation to the next that you'd think wait a minute something doesn't add up there So I don't totally understand it if it's like purely spiritual if there's some like biological component to it too like in the case of alcoholism there would certainly be the case like a genetic like predisposition to you know alcoholism, let's say
⁓ But it's yeah, it's really fascinating. So I'm curious if there's anything you'd add to someone who's like I have no idea what you guys are really talking about.
Brandon Allaman (12:33)
I would say like vices versus virtues, right? So like, you know, your past family members could have different vices and it's like a learned behavior and it's like developed and it could be like, it could be physical, it could be emotional, but it's like, you know, diving more into virtues, right? So for every vice, there's a counter of virtue. like anger, right? So if you have anger, that can be transformed into passion.
right, taking that anger and turn it into passion. So there's something good about, you know, being like lighting a fire under you, right, but it's like bad when it turns into violence, right? So violence, anger, and then passion. So I would say like that, like looking at it, different vices in your life and being like, Hey, did my mom, did my dad struggle with that? grandpa struggle with that?
and learning how to transform that into a virtue.
Joey Pontarelli (13:36)
Beautiful. No, I like that. And I know we'd both say like God's grace can work miracles and work wonders and help us to like overcome those tendencies that we might have. And so no, this is really good. ⁓ Any advice, like if there's like one concrete thing that people can do, maybe you did it or you've heard about it, what would that one thing be? It sounds like the book is a good step, but I'm curious if there's something like really concrete that people can do to start healing their family tree, breaking that generational sin.
Brandon Allaman (14:02)
man, it's, I say just talk about it. Like a lot of families, like they sweep things under a rug. They want grandpa or great grandpa or mom and dad to look perfect. But it's just like, you know, talking about different struggles appropriately, like, you know, and respecting the individual just, you know, sitting down, having a conversation. Don't like sweep stuff under the rug.
Joey Pontarelli (14:30)
Good advice. I want to go back and talk about your relationship with your dad and forgiveness, but before we get there, I'm curious about mentorship. I want to talk about you, about this with you. So I'm curious, who was the first mentor that really helped you? And, you know, can you take me to maybe a moment when you really felt their impact, their help the most clearly?
Brandon Allaman (14:52)
Yeah, I would say so. I'm going to go with a guy mentor. And that would be I volunteered at the Veterans Hospital and I kind of got kicked out of the part of the Veterans Hospital because I was like causing chaos, throwing stuff in the library. And they moved me and because I got moved to the spinal cord unit, I met this guy who did KT physical therapy with the spinal cord patients.
and his name was Mike White. Still alive, but he just treated me like a son. I call him my dad. I call him pops. I just texted him. And he just didn't care about how wild I was, didn't care about my throwing stuff in the library. He taught me stuff at the KT. He would let me move the patient's legs and stuff.
And one day, like, I was like messing around, like messing with his stuff. He sat me down. He was like serious. Him and my his co-worker, Uncle Reggie made me memorize this responsibility statement. And it's all about like, if my behavior is poor, it's my responsibility and prove if it is to be it is up to me and like taking responsibility, not putting blame on others. Just like that mentorship, him like
Believing in me, loving me, no matter what I did and always accepting me, you know, that wasn't a real volunteer position, but I was like, they ended up letting me stay and help out and stuff like that. And I was the only person that was allowed to do that. So kind of bending those rules to mentor me, to love me, to support me. It's, yeah, he's like one of the first mentors in my life that really sticks out.
Joey Pontarelli (16:47)
I love that. When most people would have just, I don't know, shooed you away as this annoying kid or something, he really saw something in you and invested in you and helped you. I love that. I'm curious what you would say about why is mentorship especially critical for someone from a broken family?
Brandon Allaman (17:04)
Yeah, I would say it's because it's what you don't have, right? And I would say you can get a mentor or you can get a lost boy, right? So, know, Peter Pan and the lost boys. So, and this is the problem with gangs, right? So it's a bunch of lost boys. It's a bunch of people that come from a broken family, parents divorced, not having dad. So it's a bunch of people that have the same issue.
And if you're just surrounded by people just like you, there's comfort in that. But if you get a mentor who especially is a husband or a great father, a great dad, or just a great virtuous person, he can give you what you don't have and give you what your heart's desire is. And that's for love. It's for support. It's for someone to be there for you no matter what. That's a mentor.
In my eyes, it's someone that will bend over backwards for you, who will be there for you and show you how to be a great human being. that's why, especially like I've had many mentors. That's why I'm like where I am is just because like, I don't know, God like put all these people who not perfect, but you know, we're great husbands, virtuous men. And I desired that I would always seek them out. I would always go talk with them.
and I didn't realize it was because they were a great dad. It was because they were loving mother.
Joey Pontarelli (18:32)
I love that so much. And I would echo that for myself too, man. It's like, I'm kind of terrified to think about like where I would be without those mentors in my life. Cause it's, I was headed down a bad path at one point too. And it was really, yeah, the people who mentored me who kind of, I almost like to think of it in a way as like stepping into the parent role, you know? Like they're, fathering us or mothering us in some fashion. And I think that, like you said so well, that's like why, you know,
those of from broken families need this the most because when our parents split, when things fall apart at home, we usually lose one or both of our parents either physically or emotionally. And so we really need someone to step into that role because like you said so well, otherwise we're going to seek it in all the wrong ways. We're going to seek it in things that don't actually help like you said very particularly. So, so good, man. I think one of the struggles that people listening right now are facing though is like, well, like how do I go about that? Like how do I find a mentor?
Do I approach them? Do they approach me? What does it look like to actually get a mentor if someone maybe has never quite had that? What are some of your tips on that and finding a mentor? This episode is sponsored by Blackstone Films. They just released a new documentary called Kenny. It's about an ordinary Denver priest who lived like a true father and transformed families and inspired vocations. He would actually wake up at 4.30 every day to do an hour of adoration.
His parishioners would ask him to pray for them and they actually got those prayers answered. Some even call them miracles. He had to shepherd his people through the Columbine shooting, if you guys remember that horrible, horrible event. He ate with the families in his parish every night of the week. He hiked with groups of young adults in the Rocky Mountains on Colorado, and he sat with couples on the brink of divorce, even saving a marriage, which they talk about in the documentary. And so if you want a hopeful model of leadership and fatherhood, something worth watching with
maybe your spouse or your small group, watch Kenny. The trailer and the full film are now streaming on formed.org. You could just tap the link in the show notes to watch the full documentary or just the trailer. Again, thanks to Blackstone Films for sponsoring this episode and for telling such an inspiring story that I myself watched and really appreciate it.
Brandon Allaman (20:41)
I would say if you know someone that kind of has shown interest, like it could be a coach, could be, you know, like a teacher, could be if you go to church, someone in your church, it could be like a family friend. But I would say like make sure you're picking like someone that's like virtuous, right? Someone that you see like their loving husband, wife, mother, you know, father.
or just like a good person, someone that serves the community and the community. And then someone like that has similar interests in you. So if you're ⁓ like young adult, right? You're playing on an adult softball team or something like that, like, and he's older and he's like, you're like, he's cool or she's cool. Hang out with them, like be like, hey, would you be my mentor? You know, I would say like that, find someone in similar interests that you've had.
Joey Pontarelli (21:35)
That's such great advice. One of the things that was helpful for me, think, is exactly what you said of like, look around to the people who are already in your life and see who you admire. Like, who would you want to become if you followed, you know, the path that they're on? And then yes, like you said, seek them out. And I think one of the tactical things that was helpful for me is realize that you might have to take the first step sometimes. And it might not always work out. I think it's important to say too that like you might approach someone to be your mentor and they might not have the capacity because they're
so busy with life or work or family, but that doesn't mean to just stop. There's maybe other people out there who can help you. And I've had mentors for like seasons of my life and then they left my life and that's okay. I benefited a lot. We had a great relationship, but that's okay. So one of the tactics I like using though is going to, know, building a little bit of relationship with someone if you can. If you can't, that's okay. But building a little bit of a relationship and then maybe asking them to sit down with you to give you some advice. It might be on a particular...
problem you're facing, struggle you're going through, whatever, and you could, whether you text them or ask them in person, you can say, hey, I'm dealing with this in my life and I'd really love someone who's older and wiser than me to guide me, to mentor me a little bit on this. Would you be down for grabbing coffee or something at some point? And then just see what they say. And I've found that a lot of times if you pursue it,
people will be open to giving advice. A lot of people like giving advice. And then that could be the beginning of a mentor relationship. Like you don't ask them necessarily to be your mentor right away unless you have a good relationship, but start with like that kind of one sit down that you have, get some advice on a topic, and then maybe do that again, or maybe you ask them at that point to kind of mentor you. So that's been helpful for me. Is there anything else like you would add to that?
Brandon Allaman (23:14)
I would say especially the topic, so having different mentors for different things. So if you're struggling in sports, get someone that you know is good at sports. You don't want the mentor, say you're struggling with math, you don't want the math guy to help you with football. And I would say especially with this podcast and Broken Families Divorce,
Because one of your parents might seek one of their friends, right? And they seek their friends because they look up to them and it's like maybe go to them because they're like a neutral party because they care about your parents and they care about you. And they won't talk trash about your parents and they're not going to go to your parents and be like, yo, Johnny hates you, right? Because they respect both of you.
So that's just something that I was thinking about, just like going to someone that your parents trust. And that will help because it's like, that your parents trust them, that could be a good mentor. Because that's important to not replace your parents, right? You're biologically engineered to have the mom and dad that you have and you can't really replace them. And that's not what we're supposed to do. And I feel like having someone.
neutral can make you be like, yo, you still have to love your mom, you still have to love your dad. They're important in your life. And then you never know people like they'll try and replace your mom and dad and then turn you against them and then use you and then creates a bigger mess. So I also have to be cautious of mentors and make sure your parents know like if you're under 18, hey, this guy's my mentor and we're hanging out. He's helping me.
with this, this, and this.
Joey Pontarelli (25:09)
Yeah, no, that's so good. That's a good warning that not everyone who wants to be a mentor has good intentions or might be a thought through who don't. But no, I love that advice. And one of the things too is if you do have a good relationship with one of your parents, hopefully both, but especially one of your parents, they might even be able to recommend someone for you. I remember talking to a mom who was going through a divorce and...
we were kind of brainstorming together like who might be able to mentor her daughter because she needed someone to walk with her. And so we came up, we thought of it like there was a teacher I think and then a coach as well like you mentioned. And so the idea was like maybe that mom could like text or call or talk to that coach next time they're at school to see like, hey, you know, here's the situation at home. Would you kind of watch over and maybe even mentor, you know, my daughter, you have my full permission and all that. And I thought that was kind of a cool and beautiful thing that, you know, that mom who has a good relationship with her daughter.
was kind of doing some of the legwork to get her some mentorship. One final thing I wanted to say because you hit on the topic of like having boundaries too, which I think is so important, we'll get to that in a second. But yeah, just this whole ⁓ idea that you need a mentor even if you don't have him in person. So we have all these great videos on YouTube, we have podcasts, we have books, like there's all this content out there that the authors, the creators can mentor you through. Now obviously I think in person is the best.
That's gonna typically be the most like fruitful, but you know Jocko Willink can mentor you on leadership You know you could have like all these other people, know, CS Lewis mentor you through whatever, you know You have all these like beautiful like deep spiritual writers who can mentor you through your spiritual life So there's all this all these people out there that even if you can't have one-on-one contact with them They can mentor you from afar and I think that's super valuable and a great starting point Especially if you're a little hesitant to jump into an in-person mentorship relationship
Brandon Allaman (26:55)
Listened to David Goggins second book and I was really like struggling with like my mom and like the boundaries and our relationship and he had his mom like he had struggles with his mom, you know, of course had
Everyone, if you've read his first book, knew the struggles with his dad, but his mom was like the constant in his life. But that relationship wasn't perfect. And he had his mom like basically say sorry and like read the chapter. It was healing for me because I'm like, that's what I want from my mom. And at that time, she couldn't give it to me. So it was like my mom, like his mom speaking the words that my mom wants to say to
So was like, so you bring it out, Jaco. I was like, man, yeah, feel that was like Jaco too. read his stuff, but David Goggins, his mom and yeah, that memory popped in my head. That just happened like a year and a half, two years ago.
Joey Pontarelli (27:57)
Wow, we walked me through exactly what happened in the book. So it's a second book What's the name of that in case anyone wants it and then remind me? So he wrote something maybe about his mom and then he had a reader or how did that go down?
Brandon Allaman (28:08)
Never Finished is the book David Guygan's Never Finished. So he was talking about just because like his mom like grew up in a good family but had bad relationships like these men and like they would be abusive and stuff like that and David just struggled with that and very similar stuff with my own mom and his mom like read that part and read an apology like
She wrote an apology, she wrote like her side of the story, what she was going through, like kind of her history in the book and David let her read it and she like apologized to him and said she loved him and all this stuff in the book. Like they were in person too so it was like super emotional like you hear
Joey Pontarelli (28:58)
So
you're listening to this on like audible or something? to it.
Brandon Allaman (29:01)
And I was on a run, I was struggling because my mom, same stuff, had bad relationship, she was in a bad relationship. it's like, you know, I struggled with depression and it's like she can't say sorry to me. And it was just like, I don't know, that apology really healed my heart because I know that's what my mom wants to say. That's where my mom wants to be. And it was like...
a taste to when that transformation happens or is happening and it was like a belief in me like, yo, this is possible. Like my mom one day will love me how I desire to be loved.
Joey Pontarelli (29:43)
So good, yeah. I think that's beautiful that, you know, through David Goggins of all people, like got that message. It's amazing. I love it. Maybe right now let's throw out some of the mentors that we've had from afar. Let's call them mentors from afar so that people can learn more if they want to. So the one that I mentioned before was Jocko Willink. So I learned, you know, like you, I've learned so much just about like being a man and leadership in particular when it comes to ⁓
whether leading in business or just life, leading your family. So that was one person I've learned a lot from. On the business side of things, one guy I've learned a ton from was Dave Ramsey actually. So everyone knows Dave Ramsey as this personal finance guru and I've learned a lot. He's mentored me in that area of life too, in the finance area. But I've learned a lot from him and his team through their Entree Leadership brand. And I don't wanna get too far on topic, but for anyone out there who's hoping to develop their career, run a business or something, he's another mentor that was really helpful for me too.
We can maybe go back and forth if you want and just throw out some of the ones that have helped us so that maybe people can look into them. What are a that come to mind for you? Okay, real talk. If you've been trying to get in shape so you feel better physically and emotionally but nothing is working, you're not crazy. I've been there myself. I recently read a free guide by Dakota Lane, a certified personal trainer who we've partnered with that's helped about a thousand people and it was really helpful for me personally. In the guide, he breaks down the biggest fitness mistakes that we all make, like under eating, over stressing.
or focusing too much on the scale and it gives really simple practical tips that you could actually use, you can implement today. And so if you're tired of feeling like you're never gonna get in shape, just click on the link in the show notes and grab the guide today. It's totally free and it might just be the thing you need to start feeling healthier physically and emotionally.
Brandon Allaman (31:25)
So I would say Jeff Cavalier, I say like working out, like fitness. He's a big mentor. Like I do a lot of stuff through his programs, watch his videos. His is like ATHLEANX. So that's his, his like business. mean, spiritually, Fulton Sheen, that's my guy. That's like, you know, he has topics, non-spiritual topics, just life.
He has a book called Peace of Soul that talks about anxiety and the mental health that I think is really good.
Joey Pontarelli (32:00)
No, so good. And on the spiritual note, while you're thinking of that, I was just thinking of, I've learned a lot from Father Jacques Philippe. He's a French priest who just writes really beautifully on just life in general. But he has this great book called, Searching for and Maintaining Piece of Heart. And so if you're ever struggling with, you know, anxiety, if you're struggling with just a lot of like preoccupation or worrying about like life,
That book will bring you peace. It's amazing. It's so good. I've read it multiple times. I've given it away to people. So he's been a mentor from afar. I got to meet him in Denver years ago, really briefly. He primarily speaks French, so he doesn't really speak much English, but we were able to communicate like really briefly and it was beautiful. Another one I would say, Jason Everett, both from afar and I've gotten to know him. We have a partnership between our apostles now, which has been really fun. And he...
I know he just so articulate when it comes to relationships, like dating relationships, navigating any sort of like struggles with sexuality, like porn or masturbation, things like that. He was just so helpful when I was like going through breakups or had struggles in relationships, I would reach out to him and he'd give me some good guidance. But his books, like the Dating Blueprint, I'd say is really good for men. If you wanna know like how to pursue a woman, like tactically, like all the...
the right ways to do that and things to avoid. And then for women, he wrote the book, How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul. And that one's for women, for like what to know to look for in a man and how to go about that the right way. And so he and his wife, Kristalina too, but especially Jason for me in particular, were great mentors of mine.
Brandon Allaman (33:37)
Yeah, I say, I mean, I have a business. It's the first business book I ever read. was DL Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People. That book really, especially in high school, is probably the only book I ever read in high school. that's business leaders use that book. mean, it's one of the best books written for business. And I still use it in what I do.
I tell people in my field, like, you know, forget about the catechism, forget about all that stuff. If you want to do correct ministry, read how to win friends and influence people, like, that's the base.
Joey Pontarelli (34:18)
I love it and it's really good for anyone who wants to you know, build good relationships like having friendships good romantic relationships One guy I've been listening to a little bit recently is Jefferson Fisher He's a trial attorney and he's really great at communicating like he helps he gives really practical tips tactics on how to communicate especially in like conflict and difficult situations So he's like a really great one
Who else? Ken Coleman, I always recommend him to people who, and we'll close this down in a second here. I don't want to overload you guys with resources, but Ken Coleman is another great one who he's like a career coach. He helps people find work they love and how to get into that role. So anyway, there's a lot here and I don't mean to go off topic, but we want to help you guys thrive. And like we said, mentors are important and these are some of the ones that you can start with. But any final thoughts on mentors you would recommend?
Brandon Allaman (35:08)
Spread your wings because like you said, your mentors will be in a season ⁓ and also yourself, you're in a season so you can always grow, can always improve, you can always get better, you can always learn. Not just in high school and college, but even as adults, still seeking out mentors is so important.
Joey Pontarelli (35:30)
So good. I want to transition now to ⁓ talk about boundaries a bit. So can you walk me through maybe a time when you set a boundary in your family that was really hard to do but necessary?
Brandon Allaman (35:42)
I say like with my grandma. This grandma is my mom's mom. And my grandma, like she's Catholic. She has a heart for other people and her empathy can kind of get herself in trouble and end up hurting people. Like she really cares about everyone. But like about like six years ago, she like was like communicating with my dad from jail. And I told her that hurts me that, you know,
He still talks bad about me. He threatens me. He did hurtful things when I was in high school around him, middle school. Can you please stop communicating with him? And she said no. And I'm like, okay, well, I'm gonna have to put a boundary up between us because I can't trust you. ⁓ Our trust is broken because it's like this man who hurt your daughter has done.
a bunch of bad stuff throughout the years to different family members, to myself hurting me, putting me in bad environments. You're communicating with them. Yeah, you're supposed to write that in prison, love everyone, but you got to love me. You got to take care of me. I'm your grandson. He's not your son. And I had to put that boundary and it was hard because, know, I love my grandma. I care about her, but I also have to protect myself and protect the people that like
I'm around because I was like traveling and I don't know if my dad's gonna break out of prison or get out and my grandma's telling him, he goes here and he finds me there and hurts like the people I'm around. So that's like a boundary where like I had to like kind of distance myself, stop talking to like a family member because it led to more pain for me and protecting people around me.
So it's so important, like a boundary just doesn't protect you, it protects the people that you can love. Like for me, like when my dad gets out of jail, like I'll still like talk with him, I'll go out to eat with him, but I won't let him be like be around like when he gets out, probably have kids and a wife, God willing. And like I gotta protect them. So I have to create a boundary, still love my dad, but also protect my hopefully future family.
Or current family like my mom and my siblings, my niece, my nephews. That's just like two instances with the same person. And my grandma like ended up saying, I'm not going to write to them. You know, we have a great relationship. mean, through that we had a great relationship, but it was kind of, it was hard because I wasn't talking there, but had to make my point of how much my dad has hurt me.
Joey Pontarelli (38:30)
Yeah,
I'm so sorry man. That's rough. that's so good, though. Such a good, story and good advice, even though it's painful. I think we need to learn to like, our ground and speak, you know, speak up when there's maybe behavior around us, deterting us and we shouldn't have to put up with that. I think that's like really, really important. And like you saw too, with the right people in our life, they'll recognize that and be like, oh shoot.
I made a mistake here, I'm sorry. I definitely want to respect this boundary. If they're healthy and respectful, right? And I've seen that too. It actually makes people respect you more and it actually can help you have a healthier relationship with those boundaries. It's not all about like putting up a fence and keeping people out, it's about having like that proper relationship with that.
So I think it's your story eliminates that really well I'm curious about ⁓ I know any advice you have for someone who's maybe struggling to put up boundaries Or maybe making mistakes in the way that they do it like what have you seen and what advice would you give in terms of like? How do you do this? Well for countless teens and young adults their parents divorce is actually the most traumatic thing that they've experienced But so many feel lost and alone and navigating the challenges. I've been there myself It's really not easy and it shouldn't be this way my book. It's not your fault
guides them through those challenges by helping them put their pain into words and begin to heal, work through the emotional problems that they face, cope in healthy ways instead of falling into bad habits, improve their relationship with their parents, navigate the holidays and other life events, and build healthy relationships and so much more. One Amazon review said this, this book is packed full of really practical help. If you come from a broken family, or even if you don't, but you love someone that does, this book is so helpful. I can't recommend this enough.
By the way, it's a quick read and it doesn't need to be read cover to cover. Since it's in question and answer format, you can just read one of the questions and one of the answers. And so if you want to join the thousands of people who've gotten a copy, just go to restoredministry.com slash books to get the book or download the free chapters. Again, that's restoredministry.com slash books, or just click the link in the show notes.
Brandon Allaman (40:30)
Yeah, I mean, respect yourself. You got to take care of yourself. because forgiveness does not mean forgetting. And I feel like we have a misconception of forgiveness. Yeah, you forgive the person, you love the person, but also you don't know if the person has forgiven themselves or
Reconciled, right? Has like fixed their mistake. So until some testing time, you got to kind of remember what they did and create a boundary so they don't hurt you and they don't hurt themselves. like that boundary, it does not just protect you, it protects that person. And you have to take care of yourself. Like that's how I started it. Yourself, your wellbeing is so important and you might not do it perfect and that's okay.
You're learning. This is hard. Boundaries are hard. That's why most people don't do it. That's why most people don't have boundaries and they end up getting hurt more and more. people don't talk about it much. People just say, forgive them, forget it. Just be normal and you can't do that. I know there's a book called Boundaries out there, but I don't know really any other book that talks about boundaries and the importance of it.
I just know it's like important to protect yourself, to take care of yourself.
Joey Pontarelli (41:53)
No, no, and I found the Boundaries book helpful personally and so I'd recommend that to everyone listening and ⁓ if you want a kind of quicker overview of the book we reviewed it and we kind of give you like the main points in podcast episode I think it's episode 36 if you guys want to go well We'll link it in the show notes, but if you guys want to check that out ⁓ If you're you struggling in this area and need some help That's a great start to listen to the podcast maybe get the book and try to put some of the stuff into action in your life I want to transition to forgiveness because you mentioned it
forgiveness is hard for a lot of people for lot of reasons. And so I'm curious, like, yeah, how have you struggled with it? And what helped you get to that point in particular? Was there like one thing that helped you get to the point where you're like, okay, I can forgive my dad for all the harm he's done to me.
Brandon Allaman (42:37)
Yeah, I would say I was like 22, I think. my dad, so my dad went to jail in 2013. I was 21. So a year later, I went to Texas, I was going to go see him in jail. And I went to confession. And I told the priest who could be a mentor to like if you're Catholic.
or any of your spiritual leaders, they can be mentors. But it was a random priest and I was real with him. I was like, yeah, I'm struggling with my mom and my dad. Like I can't stand them. Like I hate them for what they did to me. And he's like, you have the perfect mom and dad for you. Like if you didn't have your mom and dad, you wouldn't be who you are. And he didn't know who I was or anything like that. And then I went to like Texas.
I saw my grandparents, my aunt, and my aunt really told me about my dad and how when he was a young kid, he was abused. And then when he was 15, this woman from the church, older woman from his church did stuff with him. And I'm like, two years later, he met my mom and was Mormonizer and all that stuff. So I was like, hurt people, hurt people. And my dad,
been through stuff, right? So I was like, you know, if I hold on to this, I'm gonna be just like my dad. You know, my dad probably held on to all his abuse and all his hurt and blamed other people. And I was like, you know, I'm gonna forgive him. I'm gonna let it go. And yeah, so I'm like, I love my dad. Like I tell people, pray for him. You know, it's, you know, all the pain that he went through. And it's like, you know, I wanna create a legacy.
for him. I want to be great for that person inside that he desired to be, but he never got to be because he held on to stuff. ⁓ It's funny because my grandparents on that side said my dad always talked about wanting to be a missionary, right? And I got a chance to live that out. And it's just like, if I would have held on to that and still hate my dad,
I couldn't be doing what I'm doing, right? So, and that's my dad's side, like, ⁓ of letting go and forgiveness and everything like that. It was kind of like a one-time thing just because my dad's not in my life constantly. Not my mom, it's been different. It's been a different journey, but also a beautiful journey.
Joey Pontarelli (45:16)
No, it's super mature of you to be able to get to that point because I feel like there's a lot of people in life and I've struggled in this area too where you just carry unforgiveness with you for years and years and years and that weighs you down. You know, there's that whole saying unforgiveness is like
drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. And there's all these other sayings about it too. And we did an episode for anyone interested on this topic more with Father John Burns on this whole topic of forgiveness. And he is a Catholic priest, but he did his secular PhD dissertation on the topic of forgiveness. And he looked at psychologists and other experts who saw what they have to say and how forgiveness can actually help you be better, healthier.
So really fascinating. Again, he did his whole PhD dissertation on it. It will become a book at some point in the future. But we'll link to that episode in the show notes. If you're struggling with forgiveness and you need some more help guidance there, Father John is great. So check that out as well. But so good. I want to transition into like the final question I have for you and that is about rebuilding trust.
think it's very appropriate given everything we've talked about. After betrayal, especially rebuilding trust is super hard. I know you talk about this. What's maybe the most helpful advice that you give to people when it comes to ⁓ rebuilding trust after betrayal? Do you have maybe a story to go along with that?
Brandon Allaman (46:36)
I'm glad you asked that. I had a perfect thing. We kind of preface this, but I would say like my mom. And like I said, just a moment ago, like it's been a constant like ebbs and flow, good relationship, bad relationship. And just recently had to like build a lot of trust because a year ago she was in a bad relationship, abusive relationship. And I tried to save her. You know, I tried to like go there and
And she said no. And I begged her, I'm like, stop. Why do you love all these guys over me? Like, you know, why do you keep choosing all these guys and not loving me, your son? And she just couldn't break that. And she couldn't come with us. She didn't come with us. But like a couple months later, she got out of that relationship. But the trust was gone. you know, I was just like, you you hurt me. I tried to get you out. I tried to be your savior.
and that trust was broken. And it was beautiful because I got back home and I went to church and I looked over and I saw her and I texted her afterwards. I was like, hey, I saw you at church. I didn't text her in a while. And she's like, yeah, I've been going. And I was like, awesome. So we've been rebuilding our relationship and I'm like trusting her, like, you know, I'm hanging out with her.
you know, texting her more, FaceTime-ing. And it's hope, it's like trust and hope that, you know, like she's not gonna cave back. She's not going to like go backwards. And she's doing a lot of stuff that I know is helping her like going to church, taking vitamins, like reaching out, texting me. So that trust is rebuilding. So like, if you hurt someone, it's like be interested in what they like and what they're telling you.
like be open and if you're hurt, like just be like honest, be like, hey, this is gonna help me to like trust you again, doing stuff that I like, you know, reaching out to me, going to dinner, you know, so it's a process and it's rebuilding trust, but rebuilding hope and it's a constant battle because like every day I wake up, I'm like, is my mom gonna slip? And it's like, I can't have that mindset. All I have to do is like, I trust today.
I'm going to text her, I'm going love her, I'm going to update her on my life, I'm going to see how she's doing. So yeah, it's a constant battle, especially if you're constantly in the person's life that you've been disappointed over and over again.
Joey Pontarelli (49:16)
Okay. No, man. That's good advice. And what I hear you saying is don't be surprised if there's a slip up, like you slip backwards. And then also you can put action in, you can, you know, of course with proper boundaries, you can put the effort in despite if they put maybe the effort in or as much as you want them to put in. And that trust is slowly rebuilt. It's not something that you're going to snap your fingers and it's going to come out like it's going to go back to what it was or be even stronger. takes time. It takes months and years to, you know, build
Yeah, years, yeah, to build that trust that maybe you want to have. What else would you say in terms of final things on this particular topic before we close out the show?
Brandon Allaman (49:54)
Yeah, I mean, just like patience, like being patient and then like trusting yourself, like trusting yourself to like be okay. You know, if they do slip up, like trusting yourself to be okay, to not like cave back into your own hurts and to kind of like get back on the horse, like get back on the horse of still loving them. You know, like trusting yourself that no matter what, you'll still love them.
I think is so important.
Joey Pontarelli (50:25)
Good stuff, man. If you would, tell us about your organization, your apostolate, your ministry. What do you guys offer and how can people find you online? How could they follow you?
Brandon Allaman (50:36)
I run a ministry called Live in You, so it's my body, I have a t-shirt on and I do retreats, talks, and mentorship. So I do a lot of follow-up, so it's not just a one and done retreat or talk. So I go back to the areas, go to like sports, games, plays of the kids from the retreats. I'll go to the youth group, go to, you know, take them out to eat, just to like...
refreshed from the retreat or talk they heard. And then I have a career mentorship program where say a kid wants to be an aerospace engineer, I'll connect them with a virtuous aerospace engineer so they can prepare in college. When they graduate college, they can have a job and trust someone in their field because it's a dog-eat-dog world and we need to uplift people. We need to help people with their passions, careers.
in life. So that's where that's kind of like what I do what the ministry is all about. Like I said, we're big on follow up. It's not just about the events. It's about creating a lasting relationship. And yeah, so I'm on social media, Instagram, YouTube, everything really, but I prefer to be in person. So if you're in a town like I come visit, I go to the Midwest a lot, go all the way to San Diego, Florida.
Texas everywhere so.
Joey Pontarelli (52:06)
nationally. I love it. I love the in-person component because so much is online and it's needed there. But I also love the follow-up too. It's like really cool that you're able to kind of fill that space because so often like, yeah, you're kind of in and out when you're doing this sort of thing. And it's cool that you go back.
Brandon Allaman (52:22)
Yeah, it's a charism of the ministry of living you. It's like we're not better or worse than anyone. That's just our charism. That's just what we're founded on. So we're all in it together.
Joey Pontarelli (52:36)
I love it. And do you do online mentorship too? Like if someone listening right now is like, I'd love to be mentored by Brandon. Is that something you offer? Yeah.
Brandon Allaman (52:44)
I do do that. ⁓ And then we also have, I have a female partner who has a career life stress burnout ministry and she does one-on-one coaching. So she's on my website too. Her name is Anna. So she helps out with the females also. Females want some.
Joey Pontarelli (53:04)
Cool, nice, good stuff man.
Cool, and it's liveinu, so it's livingwithoutthegu.org, right? Cool, good deal. We'll link to all that in the show notes if you guys wanna follow Brandon and check out his channels and everything. Man, it's been good to have you.
Brandon Allaman (53:13)
Yeah.
Joey Pontarelli (53:23)
It's been a great conversation. have a lot of wisdom to offer and I really wish you the best in everything. I hope to collaborate with you more in the future. I wanted to, and thank you so much for everything you've done with getting restored out there. I wanted to say that too, because I know you've been, since the beginning, you've been a big proponent of just getting our resources into young people's hands. So just wanted to say it's been awesome to work with you and partner in that way. Can I? Yeah, please.
Brandon Allaman (53:46)
Can I say something about...
Like, I love your book. I love the title. ⁓ It's Not Your Fault because one of my favorite movies is Good Will Hunting. And if you've seen that movie, the breaking point of that movie is when he says, it's not your fault. It's not your fault. And I just love that book. It gives me chills in that scene is so amazing. So always, always, I think what you're doing is great and so important in today's culture.
society.
Joey Pontarelli (54:17)
I appreciate that man. Yeah, no, you're the man. Thank you. You're doing the hard work of getting out there on the ground with people and then putting the appropriate resource, whether it's mine or someone else's, into their hands, which is so important. So yeah, thank you for that, for the kind words. I couldn't agree more that it's super needed. I want to give you the final word. What final encouragement, advice would you offer to everyone listening, especially maybe to that younger you who's listening right now and maybe struggling and feeling stuck in life?
Brandon Allaman (54:44)
Yeah, I would say like you're important. Like you have a passion. Follow your passion. Follow whatever you've been through. Use it. I'd say like my greatest strength is my weakness. So my greatest strength is my pain is that I don't have a dad is like my relationship with my mom is not great. That's my greatest gift. And I figured out a way to use that as a passion.
So find your passion, could be your pain or could be cars, could be whatever, and live out your dream, live out your passion like you have a purpose, find it, and don't be afraid to live that out. Just do it.
Joey Pontarelli (55:30)
That wraps up this episode. this podcast has helped you, feel free to subscribe and rate or review the show. You'll avoid missing future episodes and help us reach more people. closing, always remember you are not doomed to repeat your family's dysfunction. You can break that cycle and build a better life and we are here to help. And keep in mind the words of C.S. Lewis who said, you can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.
